I Bought A New Red Dress To Lift My Spirits Up, Just Like You Did Honey It Cost Me Way Too Much

You’ll Never Know, Mindy McCready

Today has mostly been about dresses. There’s a possibility I’ll be at a party next weekend so I decided to have a poke around for something pretty. I managed to find a gorgeous one in New Look. One of these black 60’s box style dresses. With a belt worn very high up it looks pretty darn good on me. And this will make you laugh, it’s from the maternity section!

I spent the afternoon helping my mum figure out what to wear when she went out this evening, and in the process we discovered a couple of other lovely dresses my mums made over the years but no longer fit her. I spotted this lovely looking navy fabric with bright blue print on it, inside out in her wardrobe and my inquiry revealed a pretty pinafore dress. Add a belt in the right place to give it some shape, (it was made when boxy styles were fashionable, but I’m far too fond of my waist for them), and it looks stunning on me. We also discovered another dress, this time a longer summer one in a small red and white flower print that was all fluty and swirly at the bottom. That looked just as good on me. I’m very please. I’ve gained three lovely dresses, (one of them the essential Little Black Dress), and only spent £7. (Give or take a blouse and 2 belts…….)

It was nice to briefly feel attractive. Pity it didn’t last. I looked so good, when I checked myself out in the mirror. Unfortunately my first thought, was something along the lines of, wow, wait till Dom sees this, he’ll love it. I hate not having a reason to dress up, make that little extra effort for someone I love. Yeah you can argue I could do it for my own benefit, I do everyday, but it just isn’t the same. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore, so I'll go hide in my bed again.

You Bleed Just To Know You're Alive Part 2

If it couldn’t get worse it managed it. It would appear Liz isn’t speaking to me. Yeah I don’t exactly know what I’ve done aside from apparently been a horrible person who deserves dumping randomly. Or something like that. Ok so I’m probably a little irritable, but that’s both the pills and the depression talking. Ok so I’ve been kinda quiet this week, it’s been incredibly difficult. But I can’t think of anything that warrants being ignored and cold shouldered.

I feel even worse than I did yesterday. I feel like crap. Why would anyone want to be my friend or love me when I’m like this?

Oh and, just a note. Because I’m feeling mad and attacked. Yeah my bloggs got all depressing again. But I’d like to point out I have no diary anymore, I have no means of venting. If I don’t get it out then I will crack up. So I blogg. If it’s too heavy for people, then please don’t read it. You have your own problems, stick with them and don’t worry about me. If you think this blogg is depressing you have no idea what is actually going on in my head, cause trust me this is watered down.

I’m sorry. I’m just sorry.

Someone make it all go away please.......................................................................................................

You Bleed Just To Know You’re Alive

Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

Saw the doctor again. It wasn’t as easy as last week. I seriously didn’t want to be there. It was just futile.

I had a lovely dream last night. I don’t want to forget it so I’m going to blogg it, seen as I’m still not writing a diary. It was probably a memory from months ago. I was sat all cuddled up to Dominic on his bed, watching whilst he played Sonic on his laptop. I used to prefer to watch rather than play, it was funnier. I could laugh at him when he made a stupid mistake and killed Sonic or giggle when he’d sing little songs to the background music. I woke up feeling happy, safe and loved. Then ten seconds later my heart got ripped out.

Why am I not fucking worth it? How can someone’s conscience be more important than me? And how can you watch someone you’re supposed to love slowly dying and not want to save them when you have the power?

I just want to hide away in my bed and be forgotten by the world. I don’t wanna talk, I don’t wanna eat, I don’t wanna feel, I don’t wanna wake up tomorrow. I just want it to all go away and stop hurting. I just want to be left alone forever.

Let Me Rest In Peace

Let me rest me in peace,
Let me get some sleep,
Let me take my love and bury in a hole six foot deep
I can lay my body down but I can’t find no sweet relief
So let me rest in peace
or in pieces, whichever is easiest for you and your Conscience I suppose.
Spike,Rest In Peace, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, the muscial episode, Once More With Feeling

So yeah I learnt I have a mock in 2 weeks for Chem Module 2. I wonder if I can get more than five marks on it this time. Probably. But I doubt I’ll get a decent grade. I can’t seem to get anything to stick in my brain anymore. Which means I’m kinda screwed for the exams.

And I have my art exam on Monday. I’m not exactly looking forward to that; I’ve got no work, no motivation and no inspiration. All day Monday I have to be in a classroom. I’m dreading break and dinner, I can see me hiding out in the ladies staff like I do before Chem now.

I’m ridiculously tired. I don’t think I’ve got the energy to crawl upstairs and into bed. I need a little more tomorrow, I’m supposed to be playing badminton.

And my blogg pet it still 26 days old. Huh?????????

So many broken hearts in the world

Lonely Girl, Sandi Thom

Yesterday I spent all day wanting to reach out and talk to someone but everyone I turned to already seemed to have problems of their own and I didn’t fancy whimpering at them. A lot of people seem to have bigger problems than me anyway, and I’m happy to hurl myself into someone else’s problems to comfort than think about my own. I did find someone to talk to eventually, thank you Katie-Jane. I just wish it seems to help.

I’ve spent the day battling with nausea and keeping my mind of track. The first half of my Chemistry double was a fight to stay awake and focus. The second I needed to listen and make notes which were entirely for my own benefit. I made them and after an hour long battle this afternoon I managed to force myself to complete the planning exercise. Last night I stared at the same questions (which I knew how to answer), for 2 hours and wrote no more than four words. I had to get it done tonight and had a similar struggle but at least it’s done.

I’m putting off going to bed right now, I really really need to go to bed and sleep but I’m not exactly eager to be alone with my brain. It’s like having monsters living under your bed that creep out and sink their teeth in at night. All day and all night I get a combination of “why????” “I don’t understand why” and desperately wanting the one thing I know will fix me and help me when I know I can’t have it no matter how desperate I am….. And I’m going to stop right there and put it all back into its little box.

And I Need You Now Tonight, And I Need You More Than Ever. If You’ll Only Hold Me Tight

Total Eclipse Of The Heart, Bonnie Tyler

I’ve been trying to write this blogg for ages now. And I still don’t know what to say really. I desperately need to write in my diary but given what I have to say isn’t good then I’m not so sure I should. The last thing I want is it being read yet again. I just can’t bring myself to say what I want in it or on here or anywhere. I think I’ll just go to bed. It’s safe when I’m asleep.

I’m Standing In The Light Of My Mistakes And Begging You Come Home

Did I Say That, Meat Loaf

I want to blogg I was planning on blogging, I had it all written out in my head but now I’ve forgotten. I’ve seen several people, I recall running round Tesco trying to pull Luke’s trousers down and playing Frisbee in the store, (why is Word capitalising Frisbee?), before going back to Luke’s to play on Crash Bandicote. Which was fun, even if I lack the coordination. Last night we had a meal out together before everyone bums off back to uni, which was nice. Oh yeah and my Meat Loaf tickets have come.

As for how I’m feeling, well I’d rather not talk about it really. It would be nice to be able to let some stuff out in my diary but frankly, if my parents have read it once, they’ll read it again. My Dad feels seriously guilty about it, so I’ve not exactly said much on it, just trying to pretend its all ok when really it isn’t because I don't want him to feel bad. So it’s all got to sit inside me stagnating.

Has anyone noticed my blogg pet has suddenly got younger? I swear she was 32 days old the other day, now she's 26 again. How very odd. I wonder if there's some weird physic force in my blogg. Or maybe it's just having a freak out and is bust.

Wound Up, Leanne Rhimes

Little Carrie Ann what a beautiful girl,
From the moment she was born
She was always perfect
Whole town said "Why can't you be more like her?"

Lights go on and she's ready to spin
On stage doing all the things she's told to
Puts on a show in front of the whole damn world

I pray to the heavens to try to save her soul
Cause that sweet little angel is not the girl I know

She gets wound upshe gets higher by the minute
Turns the sound up
To drown out all the pain
They all think they know her
But no one really knows
That she goes a little crazy sometimes

She parks her car at the top of the hill
Only inches from the edge
Where she's almost falling
Stares at the sky till she's drowning in the rain

Nice dress, nice smile
What a wonderful child
If they only knew all the lies she's told them
It's too complicated for her to explain

She prays to the heavens to try to save her soul
Cause the sweet little angel is close to letting go

Antidepressant, Citalopram, 20gm daily, 4-6 weeks

Citalopram hydrobromide is a highly selective and potent serotonin (5-hydroxytryptamine 5-HT) reuptake inhibitor with minimal effects on the neuronal reuptake of norepinephrine (NE) and dopamine (DA). The ability of citalopram to potentiate serotonergic activity in the central nervous system via inhibition of the neuronal reuptake of serotonin is thought to be responsible for its antidepressant action. Tolerance to the inhibition of serotonin reuptake is not induced by long term (14 days) treatment of rats with citalopram.

Citalopram has no or very low affinity for a series of receptors including serotonin 5-HT1A, 5-HT2, dopamine D1, and D2, a1-, a2-, b-adrenergic, histamine H1, muscarinic cholinergic, benzodiazepine, gamma aminobutyric acid (GABA) and opioid receptors.

It’s Only A Diary

A piece of music from one of the Bridget Jones’ films, possibly the first one.

My parents read my diary.

Yeah I know, before anyone points it out to me, they’re only trying to help/worried about me. But they read my diary. The one place I could write what the hell I wanted and let it out a little. Now I can’t because how do I know they’re not going to do it again?

I don’t do hate or anger so forgiving them is not a problem. Forgetting is much harder. And I don’t think I can for a long time.

It’s my fucking DIARY for Christ’s sake! What to I have to do, always keep it on my person?

I don’t think it’s sunk in yet.

My dairy……

Is Forever Just Another Word? Is A Promise Something People Used To Keep When Love Was Worth Fighting For?

If a love as strong as ours
Couldnt make it all the way,
Can anything make sense at all?
If a love so deep and true
Couldnt stand the test of time,
Then mount everest could slide,
And jeruselem could fall.

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?
If we can say good-bye,If we can say good-bye,
Is nothing sacred anymore?

I can hear the final words
Every sentence that was said
Dont know what turned our lives around.
It doesnt matter who was right,
Theres no justice in a dream.
Never thought a heart could break
Without making any sound.

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?
If we can say good-bye,If we can say good-bye,
Is nothing sacred anymore?

Our love was as certain as the dawn,
As solid and save as any love could be.
Our love was the star you wished upon,
And you thought that I saved you,
Couldve sworn that you saved me.
Is Nothing Sacred, Meat Loaf

Errr still no Word, so apologise for the possible spelling mistakes.
I've spent the last hour working on either filing Chemicals work or doing a past paper for it. I have lessons tomorrow first thing...yucky. There isn't a good time in the day for Chemicals...

Went out with Adam again last night, he's spent all week fixing his car, a proper old mini, and he wanted to show it off. I haven't gotten around to naming it yet, I sense it's more masculine than feminie, manily cause it's a stubborn buggar. Apparently the clutch no longer works. Oh dear. We had fun talking and driving around listening to Meat Loaf and stuff.

I sent my uCAS form back today. I am officially going to Lancaster University. I decieded it was time I made a desision rather than leaving it and freaking out last minuet. I'm still ratherwary of the whole university thing, I sense it might be a difficult few weeks anyway but we shall see. At least it's all sorted now.

And tomorrow I plan to go sort out my bank account. That way I can actually send Bath Spa their stupid cheque without going into my non exsistant overdraft. I am rather anxious about my finances really, I know I'm in a far better position than most pre-uni, but I haven't savednearly enough this year.....*sighs.

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?

As I walk this land with broken dreams
I have visions of many things
Love's happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion,
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed?
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe.

The fruits of love grow all around
But for me they come a tumblin' down.
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger
I can't stand this pain much longer
I walk in shadows
Searching for light
Cold and alone
No comfort in sight,
Hoping and praying for someone to care
Always moving and goin to where
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed?

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted? Jimmy Ruffin

You'll have to excuse my spelling. My laptop is in the process of dying, to give me a few extra days I've had to preform a full system restore. As it's likely to die soon, or be taken away for fixing so I'm not likely to bother putting my music and stuff on it. Although I sense Office 2000 and the ability to spell check may be needed!!

I haven't done an awfull lot the last couple of days, some art and Liz randomly popped round yesterday for a needle. And yet she left with a Claire...how odd. We went to see Lukey for a couple of hours, mainly to play on his trampoline* despite him insisting that it was two at a time. There was four of us on it all happily bouncing, (even if it was getting dangerously close to the ground at some points), our excuse being that only 1 and 3/3 were on it. I wonder if it will take you guys as long as it took me to figure out who the three thirds were!

I created a yahoo account yesterday, my address is claire.tinker@yahoo.co.uk I'm not changing to that account, (whatever that stupid automated email said to you all, that wasn't supposed to happen but did when I imported my address book), but at least I should eb able to talk to my yahoo people again. I hope.....

*boys wipe the grin off your face, thats not a euphamism.

HEY (hey) You (you) I Don’t Like Your Girlfriend, Hey (hey) YOU (you) I Think You Need A New One

Girlfriend, Avril Lavigne *was supposed to be last night blogg title but my internet failed so I didn’t get to blogg.

Right well, I’ve done a fair bit of art work the last couple of days and will be doing some more tomorrow. I’m started a bigger “map” but I think now I should get them done in one sitting, I’m having trouble finding the exact same view on Google Earth.

I did break off yesterday to go to Tesco with Katie to get her pre-uni shop. This seems to be somewhat of a tradition for us, albeit inadvertently. We always go before she goes back. Next year, when I’m at Lancaster too we can do it together. I had a huge amount of fun running with the trolley down an aisle then swinging on it whilst it ran on. SOOOO much fun. Although Katie did start to ignore me after a while, I wonder why? Apparently me singing the above blogg title constantly is a sign I’m becoming a lesbian gradually. Hmmm….I don’t think so!

Today I went with Katie to drop her stuff off at Lancaster. I was delighted to see a bunny waiting for us on her doorstep. See I bring out the bunnies in Lancaster! Apparently they haven’t been seen for yonks. We had an amusing time avoiding the chavs who weren’t happy with where we’d parked. And talking about scented dollies where you pulled up the skirts to make them smell. Is it just me who finds that a little perverted???

Ooo and guess what! I took Jane’s advice and tried to get tickets anyway. It worked; I won some on ebay for exactly what they would have cost me anyway. So in less than a month’s time I should be seeing Meat Loaf!!!!!! I’ll let you know when that’s sunk in!

On a serious note, JUSTIN!!!!! I don’t know what’s going on with msn, but I just want to say I hope your ok and that things are running smoother for you. I miss talking to you, who’s gonna keep me company online at half 7? I hope we get to chat soon! xxx

Hey Doris I didn’t know you could do that?

Go see Meet The Robinsons it’s ace. Disney are getting good at doing digital people. Nice touch to have Walt Disney’s quote about moving forward featuring too. Slightly unpredictable too, which is a surprise for a kids film! There's a proper old style Micky Mouse cartoon at the beginning too, which is soo funny and amazing, like a flashback to childhood.

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”
Walt Disney

I Want My Money Back!

Life Is A Lemon, Meat Loaf

I got a letter from Bath Spa this morning. Apparently I owe them £666 for 2 months tuition, (although I was there only 5 days in September and that was Freshers week so wasn’t exactly a teaching week, AND given I barely saw my tutors because I had to share with the 2nd year, so £333 a month seems kinda screwy).

I assumed that my tuition fee had already been paid direct to the uni by the Student Loan Company, given I took out the necessary loan with them. I’d assumed too it had been paid to Bath Spa and I’d paid the SLC back when I sent them the cheques. Apparently not.

So it looks like I won’t be seeing Meat Loaf. The tickets are likely to go for very inflated prices on ebay, and I would have happily bid for them before, but apparently I owe the f****** uni more money. I left in October, SIX MONTHS ago. I’m getting sick of them pissing me about months later cause they can’t get it all right. I’d relaxed my saving somewhat so I could have fun, like going to Alison’s or to Blackpool. Now my attempts to save anything this year just seem futile.

And now I don’t get to see Meat…………….*cries

Like A Bat Outta Hell!

Cry Over Me, Meat Loaf (* I promise there is a blogg at the end of it!)

Another night sleepless
I don't want to feel this
Nothing can stop this pain
Trying to get to
A time I forget you
Still tangled in yesterday

It's so easy for you
To give nothing for me
Did you ever feel anything?

I want you to cry over me
Die over me
Even for a moment
Even for a moment
I want you to hurt over me
Feel what I feel
I want you to cry over, die over me

Baby, just one timeI want your heart broken
Some sign of emotion
I want to see the tears tumble down
Show me I meant something
And that you feel nothing
But your world crashing to the ground

It's so easy for you
To forget about me
Did I ever mean something?

I want you to cry over me
Die over me
Even for a moment
Even for a moment
I want you to hurt over me
Feel what I feel
I want you to cry over, die over me
Baby, just one time(Cry - cry - cry)

But did you feel something?
Did we mean nothing at all?

I want you to cry over me
Die over me
Even for a moment
Even for a moment
I want you to hurt over me
Feel what I feel

Oh why can't you just cry over, die over me
Baby, why can't you hurt like I do like I hurt over you
Can't you cry over, die over me

Baby, just for one timeI want you to cry over, die over me
Baby, want you to fall on your knees
Baby, crawl back to me
Want you to cry over, die over me
Baby, just one time...(Cry - cry - cry)...

OMIGOD MEAT LOAF IS TOURING THE UK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am seriously desperate to go. This could well be his last ever tour and to see him live has been on my list of things to do since I discovered his music. I love the drama every song creates and the stories they tell, there is no other music I can get myself lost in or feel what it feels. He’s worked with some of the best composers ever, like Jim Steinman who created the Bat Out Of Hell trilogy with him, and even Andrew Lloyd Webber. I’ve seen some of his performances on youtube and his CD and he looks amazing live.

There are 2 hitches in my plan to go see him. The first being the tickets seem to have sold out, but there are plenty on ebay and it’s not till May so I can possibly get my paws on some, if at an inflated price. The second is I don’t actually have anyone to go with. To my knowledge a lot of my friends aren’t major fans. My mum expressed a mild interest as a mild fan, but she’s got my Dad’s 50th in May as well. Frankly I’d pay for someone to come with me. I just want to go and see Meat!!!!

Someone move that pigeon!

Yeah I know not another rushed crappy blogg. I'm sorry but I've left it late. A few days away and whoosh I ain't half in demmand! Blacpool was nice and fun. I discovered a ride that I hate more than Rita but pigeons feel the urge to land on the track mid-ride, (the Big Dipper), but at least I still tried. Errrr and my brain has suddenly turned into sleepy mush and I can't remember anything else! Flip.....

*blogged too fast for title or font alterage, sorry

It’s been ages since I’ve blogged. I’ve either not been here at blogging time or have been too shattered. So in super quick time heres what I’ve done;

Tuesday I met Luke for dinner. We had a good giggle over lunch then bought chocolate to replenish the supplies he had stolen from his mum’s secret stash. Then we went back to his to watch various DVD’s, (I think I might be warming to Little Britain, but I still find it offensive for the most part), and Daddy Day Care. A good film, I recommend. It was freezing in Luke’s granny flat so we ended up snuggled in sleeping bags to keep warm before migrating to the main house for access to Sky channels and the Simpsons.

Wednesday evening was The Great Gathering of everyone. It’s quite a task to get about 10 people, all with their own social lives, together in one spot but hats off to Jess for managing it. Pretty much everyone was there from the inner circle. We sat around in McDonalds messing around before realising that we’d missed the films we were thinking of seeing so it was bowling instead. Defiantly more amusing, and much less popcorn being thrown around*, and it was easier to talk and catch up on all the gossip in each others lives. And too tease each other….
We ended up back at Luke’s after a mad trip around ASDA, you’d think they’d want to kick piggyback-giving-candyfloss-moving-around teenagers out but they must have better things to do on a Wednesday evening. Luke’s house was fun as usual; we had food fights with popcorn and other poor food stuffs. I lost my seat on the sofa and had a massive fight to get it back- why is it always me? I learnt that BB guns are very painful when they hit you butt or your elbow and that candyfloss tastes as good as I remember. We spent the last hour or so talking about the scandalous behaviour of the teachers at our High School before we went home to our warm beds.

Yesterday my friends Christine and Joanne came round from Middleton and they got to see The Princess Diaries 2 and then Chris spent ages showing various emulators cause she’s a wicked funky geek girl. We had a great laugh, I can’t believe I don’t get to see her until May next! Errr, As If!
Last night was also what can only be described as my “date” with Hit-On-You-Guy**. He bought me dinner and we went to a pub quiz before he walked me home. He’s lovely, funny and sweet and very attentive. I don’t know what to say though that won’t come out wrong. Put it this way, I don’t think it was a good idea given how things ended. Actually remove the think there, it wasn’t, even if he is such a lovely person. I want to talk to someone about it but there literally isn’t the time frame for that now, I leave for my train to Blackpool err like NOW. Chrish should cheer me up, she always does.

I shall return possibly needing to chat on Sunday, see you then!

*sorry cinema cleaners!
**his real name is Adam chat people, he started being nice and not hitty-on-you so we can use his real name

If You Pay Your Dues In Darkness You'll Appreciate The Light

Deep Down Low, Chely Wright

Then when I'm no longer crazy and I'm back to my old self
I realize how good I've always felt
So don't be afraid to cry get down as far as you can go
Let the river rage on by and the wind blow
If you pay your dues in darknessYou'll appreciate the light
'Cause a deep down low makes level feel so high

I made a desision last night before I went to bed, the desision being that I need to get over this all. I said I wasn't sure if I would be blogging here again until I felt ok, because I was planning on doing what people, paticularly Henry, have been telling me to do. I know I am not alone, but Henry is right, I am the only one who can help myself. It's just been a matter of finding the mindset to do so. Last night I wanted to try and apologise for my behaviour towards everyone, which appears to have backfired. So I'll try again, I am sorry for taking time to be self absorbed and unhappy. I owe it to the people I have hurt and upset as well as myslef to try. And to actually be alright. Right now I feel pretty level. I am going to try and help myself because there is only so far that others can take me. Thank you for your help. Now it's my turn to help myself. And I am going to give it all that I've got. Starting today.

Everybody Cries And Everybody Hurts Sometimes

Everybody Hurts, REM

So telling my parents was a great idea. Guess what, it changed nothing.

I don’t know what to say anymore. Right now I think maybe I should stop blogging and that I should just stop telling people how I feel and leave it for my diary. I don’t know how to handle anything anymore and until I figure out how I’m supposed to exist and be happy properly there doesn’t seem like much point in posting anything here. It’s reached the point where people are frustrated with what they see as self pity, and I understand that. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for hurting people. I’m sorry I’ve snapped at people like Hutters who have been lovely to me. I’m sorry I’ve taken Liz and Jess for granted. I’m sorry for hurting and upsetting you Dominic, I’m sorry it’s so hard for me to let go of you. You will always be one of the best things that ever happened to me and someone who made me happy than I’ve ever been. My door is always open for you. I don’t know how to deal with this but I am going to try because the lows I have reached today and recently and the methods I’m using to let out my pain are ultimately self destructive and very dangerous. Maybe I have to hit total rock bottom before I start to be ok. I just don’t know. I guess I’m going to find out.

“Life's like a box of matches, sometimes the whole thing catches and all you can do is watch it burn” Mindy Mcreedy

F***

This morning my mum told me she wanted to talk to me. I figured she'd found out I'd skived Chem last week but no. Someone decieded to tell my mum on Friday how unhappy I have been.

They, I assume, thought it would make things better if my parents where aware of how I've been feeling. I thank them for their concern, and understand they meant well. But it's actually made the situation feel a hell of a site worse.

We talked or argued or whatever you want to call it with no actual conclusion. Nothing came out of it. NOTHING!

My parents knowing I'm unhappy doesn't help anything. That's why I hadn't told them. I don't know how to talk to them anymore. I didn't want them knowing because it meant that when I was home at least it didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells.

Which is what it feels like now. I was just starting to find existance bearable yesterday, depsite being knackered. Now I feel like shit yet again. Now I am so wound up I've been sick. Pretending, no matter how hard it got, meant I had some normality in my life. Now I don't. I have a great big urge to go up the hill behind my house and scream until I'm sick. Or cry like hell.

And I get to feel like this again when my dad comes home and has the same talk with me.

FUCK.

I Always Take The Long Way Home

Long Way Home, Norah Jones

Brilliant weekend spent all Flufficated, (with Sam and Alistair too) for Alison's birthday, in a place where there are no hills. I prised myself out of bed later than I would have liked on Saturday, mainly because I woke up with what can only be described as a Rollercoaster Hangover. My head hurt so much it was impossible to move. It passed eventually and I made my way to Piccadilly Station, got my ticket and hopped on my train all by myself like a BIG girl. May I just say I LOVE Virgin Pendolino trains; there is no better way to travel. Richard Branson you rock!

I was happily met off my train in Euston by Alison, Sam and Alistair and we went for a long wander around London. It was nice to see it in a more casual manner, the only times I’ve been is with sixth from, and of course it’s far stricter and more touristy, mainly for our own safety. The most exciting thing for me was seeing some of my favourite artists in the National Portrait Gallery. I love Monet and van Gogh, my own style leans towards impressionistic and I find their work stunning. Seeing the Water Lillie’s and Cyprus Trees is breathtaking. Turner went up in my books too, his work looks muddy on paper, but in real life the atmosphere he was capable of creating is stunning. Don’t get me started on the 1700 artists who painted pictures of Venice that looked like they’d been taken on a camera. There are very few artists today who are that skilled, it’s incredible what they did! I was amazed, and wandered around in a quite awe.

Today the highlight was probably restraining Alison from chasing the ducks into the pond. Payback from restraining me from jelly beans at the Chat Meet. Although it was more distressing to watch the ducks being attacked and chased by some spiteful geese. *waves stick and shouts at gooses.
After a yummy lunch it was time for Ali and me to catch our trains. Sam and Alison hung around for as long as possible and I was sad they had to go, but very grateful for the company on part of the journey back. Even if I did spend most of it falling asleep…..sorry Ali! Although it was livened up by the spotting of several bunnies! All hoppy and cute.

The journey after the luffly Ali left was rather difficult. I started listening to the songs on my ipod alphabetically, which is better than shuffle because you can try and guess what songs coming up, but I soon found myself feeling very very emotional. A fair bit was probably due to being exhausted, but I’m not going to go into it now. My challenge for everyone who reads my blogg is simple, how long did it take me to get home today? Starting at Stanstead and ending at my doorstep. Alistair, Alison and Sam can't play cause they know.

It’s like patting an old women then being whipped by her

Katie, on Corkscrew.

I went to Alton Towers today for the very first time. And I actually did proper rollercoaster’s; Air, Nemesis, Rita Queen of Speed, and lots of little rides like the log flume and Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, (which we did three times! It’s so weird but funny. Unless you have chav right behind you being typical chavs). I’m pleased I have them all a damn good shot, Air and Nemesis got three/two shots respectively as it seemed stupid to waste the extra super quiet time. I don’t like Rita, she is, to quote a “heinous bitch”*

There was the peaceful less terrifying delight of the kiddies Squirrel ride and kicking Katie’s ass twice at some shooty zombie game, (she was not impressed). We got ourselves plenty wet on the log flume and water rapids. Katie made a failed attempt to dodge a splash of water the last time round on the Rapids and sploosh she got rather wet! The look of surprise on her face was absolutely hilarious.

There’s probably a lot more but my mind has lost the ability to focus. I managed to see every hour in last night, and when you think I got up at half five that’s even more knackering. I’m not going to blogg about my feelings either. I sense peoples impatience is running low and maybe this will go someway to proving I’m not just sitting and moping but I am trying to be ok. What I want hasn’t changed at all, and it’s still all there but at least today I’ve been able to forget largely. Katie’s been brilliant today, thanks so much girl! You do rock so hard!

Love and Huggles, Claire

*Ten Things I Hate About You

No Change

*Apologies to Henry if you’ve tuned in to see my art, I’ve messed something on it up and haven’t sorted it out yet. So it wouldn’t make any sense! Sorry!


I’m not really feeling much better. Everything still feels a mess with various people. I still feel numb and empty. I’m depressed. Part of my can see the girl I used to be, but she’s just so far gone it’s like another life. I just want to feel something other than negative emotions. And it isn’t as simple as just smiling. Or doing something different or whatever. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I can’t see how this is best for anyone long or short term. I just can’t see anything anymore. I just don’t know anything or feel anything. I just want it back. I just give up. There doesn’t even seem to be something inside me who wants to fight it all anymore.

Giving up

Until this evening I’d had a pretty good day. As I wasn’t going to Chemistry again because I couldn’t face it Katie decided to take me out and take my mind off things. It worked for a while; I had a lot of fun. I just wish I felt like blogging it right now, but I don’t.

I’ve had an argument with one of my closest friends, which was the last thing I wanted and I feel frankly, so completely depressed. I don’t know how to fix it.

I don’t know how to live anymore. I don’t know how to exist. I feel like the only reason I still am is for other people. So much of me just doesn’t want to exist.

I just want to disappear.

Stressful

Today has been stressful. It seems like everything has gone wrong and all I’ve done is upset people.*

I didn’t go to Chemistry and I’m not going tomorrow. Something in me just can’t face it. I will after Easter but right now there just doesn’t seem any point.

I’m just feeling so flat, tired and empty.

*and no Alistair, before you get worried, you haven’t upset me. I was already upset. So don’t worry.

So yeah, I feel screwed over.

For anyone who doesn’t want to hear how miserable I’m feeling, yet again, click the back button now. There I warned you.

I got screwed over by yet another friend. I’ve defended her when people have slagged her off, I’ve always believed the best in her and she screwed me over. Thanks.

I just feel…………………..

Empty. All I want to do is cry and not stop. I want to scream and lash out at myself but can’t. I want to go back in time to when I felt safe and loved and was happy.

I get told to think positive, but positive about what?

That I’m alone?
I don’t see an end to the tunnel.

It gets easier.
But I’m still alone.

I don’t understand what I’ve done to lose the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I don’t understand why I can’t have it. I don’t understand why I can see people who seem to have found that someone and done nothing to deserve it when I’ve given so much to the universe and I’m deprived of it.

All day something inside of me has been crying. Probably that stupid little girl. I cried during work a little and on the way home. Now I’m going to cry some more because if I don’t let it out then I’ll explode.

See I did warn you I was feeling depressed.

If We’re Trying, So We’re Breaking Free

Breaking Free, High School Musical (told you it would be my blogg title Katie)

I went ice skating today, for the first time in about 5 years. Katie invited me so she didn’t have to go alone and so I didn’t sit at home feeling lonely and full of missingness. I was rather terrified, (to the point of nearly throwing up). Last time I went I’d hurt my ankle a month or so earlier and it wasn’t properly healed so I got round the rink once then gave up because I was in agony.

Despite being more than a little afraid I forced myself onto the ice and grabbed Katie’s hand, (and didn’t let go). Somehow I managed to stay upright the whole time AND figured out to move forwards. At a fairly decent speed. It was fun, I want to go again and practise some more. Next time see if I can skate a little on my own maybe. I’m so glad I went and gave it another shot. It was worth the pain my ankles are giving me now. Thanks so much Katie for today!

AND guess what. My Geek, Josh, won Beauty and the Geek. He won! I am so proud of him, he totally deserved it. Josh rocks! As Jennifer said, there should be more guys like him.

Love and Huggles, Claire

What Goes Up Comes Down, Hits The Ground

Karma, Jessica Andrews

I don’t know what to say. It seems I’m not allowed to blogg what I’m feeling. Which I don’t understand. It feels like I’m supposed to snap my fingers, get over it and stick a smile on my face. Maybe I should just stop blogging. Or maybe I should start pretending.

Last night I wasn’t implying people from the internet have let me down or there the ones who I want to go away. I don’t understand where that’s come from frankly. I don’t want PEOPLE to go away, I want the loneliness to go away, the desperate desire to just be held so it all feels right again.
It occurred to me the other day that the people who’ve been most supportive are the ones on the internet. And Dom. Oh the irony.

I am so fucking lonely.*

Someone said something about Karma today. I used to have a simple philosophy, bad karma doesn’t exist, there’s no such thing as bad luck. If you believe that then you get good things back.
You get back what you put in…..

So I spend my life worrying about other people, jumping straight to them if I know they have a problem. I look after them, let them vent and comfort them. I try so hard to fix them. I go out of my way to help people, total randomers**. I try so hard to be a good person, to make my family proud and make everyone happy.

For all I’ve put in I got 11 blissful months where I woke up every day knowing how lucky I was. I never took it for granted. And now it’s gone. I read my email this morning and promptly spent the entire day crying, or staring blankly at the TV whilst Friends played. I cried so much last night and woke up thinking today would be ok. How wrong could I get?

So what I want to know is what the fuck do I have to do to be allowed to be happy. How long do I have to put in just to get the one thing I want? At exactly what point is Karma going to decide I’ve done enough good deeds.

For people like me Karma doesn’t exist. It's just a never ending cycle of putting out and never getting back.

*I apologise for the choice of words. I don’t normally swear but it seems to fit right now.
**as random a guy in Manchester pleading for money because he hadn’t any to get to the airport. I gave him a tenner because I felt sorry for him, even if I now know he was lying to me. I did the right thing, I figured if I put the good into the universe I’d get it back. Yeah right.

I Keep On Falling

Falling, Alicia Keys

I was fine today. I had a fun Chemistry lesson making bread and mucking around. We made one hell of a mess; in fact the mess came out better than the bread. I was amazed by how few of them knew what 50g flour looked like. One scale was faulty and it took ages before anyone realised. I’d used a different balance but many weren’t impressed they had to reweigh.

Then I came home and did a couple of odd jobs, including my Chemicals homework, which means I should have the weekend to focus on Art.

Whoopty flippin doo.

I hate weekends. I suddenly realised at the end of work that I was going to see no one all weekend. I’ve pretty much gone downhill from there. I just feel like if I don’t ask people if they want to do anything then we don’t and that people are just so wrapped up in their lives they haven’t got a few hours for me. It doesn’t seem like much to ask for a little time with my friends. I’ve spent 2 hours with them this week.
I’ve got a week left till Easter break, 2 weeks off. I’m not looking forward to it. It just means 14days where the majority will be spent on my own.

I’m sorry people, but I’m back pretty much where I was at the start of the week. Bitterly alone and miserable. I’m sorry I’ve let people down. I did try, it was a good day, I was happy and balanced until the end of work.
I’m even sorrier that I’m so wrapped up in my own self obsession and misery that I haven’t blogged about the birth of baby Emma. I just feel like a selfish cow for that. I’m sorry baby.
I’ll use your song Henry when I’m not so low. Sorry.

Ooh Baby Love, It’s Hurting Me

Baby Love, Diana Ross and the Supremes

Badminton day! My aim is improving a lot, or rather my ability to hit the shuttlecock is. It’s nice to have something to whack as hard as you can, much better than hitting your head on a wall. I wouldn’t recommend that, you just end up with a headache and feel even worse. Although I got told off for hitting it so hard, but frankly, I’m making sure the frustration doesn’t build up. So I’ll hit it as hard as I like. Last time I checked you were supposed to give it a damn good whack anyway.

Lancaster is looking far more likely, I discovered this morning that Lancaster will pay me far more to study there than I first though. £2000 is a hell of a big pull. Plus the rabbits.
Helena as most of you know, is now in labour so hopefully next time I blogg there will be another little baby in the world. It’s so exciting. I hope it all goes smoothly for her.

Blergh early start tomorrow, up at 7.15 for Chem. But there’s a silver lining, we’re making bread! OOOO

Love and Huggles, Claire

“I’m so glad I’m your new best friend”

*say in THE most annoying American accent ever! We had some girl saying that all the way to Preston today. Louder and louder. And the story behind it wasn’t even that funny. Grrrrr.

I am feeling better today. I'm still feeling the lonliness but I guess I can learn to live with it somehow. Its been a good day though. Mum and me went to see Lancaster University, which is fabbo. Katie met us off the train and we went for lunch and ended up missing the tour I’d booked us onto, (don’t worry it wasn’t a tour for just me and mum), so we got a private one off Katie. Which was even better. We got to explore the depths of the campus too such an extent we walked out of a building and Katie had no idea where we were. She soon got her bearings but that doesn’t bode well for me. I’m useless with directions. Hehe

Lancaster is totally gorgeous, a lot like Bath, in its looks, which is great because I liked there and I love the look of Lancaster. The university itself if excellent, modern and very stylish. There’s literally everything you could want on campus, I love self contained campuses, its my style of uni. And, even better, there are BUNNY RABBITS living in the hall area. Very tame friendly looking bunnies whom I will no doubt become best friends with if I’m there next year. To sum up, I very much liked it, and was very impressed. Lancaster will pay me more money to go there than any other uni, and if I want to do a placement year* then money matters really. Its now beating Chester by a lot.

I had a wonderful exciting day, thank you so much to Katie for the tour, it was brilliant. Maybe I’ll see you next year. (Screams of “Nooooo” can be heard all the way in Justin’s merkinland.)

Love and Huggles, Claire

*I can only get funding for three years of uni, a placement year makes four. That means on my third year of my degree I would have to fork out for everything. A placement is pretty vital, because it gives makes me highly employable. I will of course be paid for it, but year four could still be very costly. Damn this money.

BUNNIES!! THERE WERE BUNNIES!!!!

Lonliness and it's explanation

I’m feeling better today. The last few days I think I’ve spent venting and trying to unbottle it. I don’t know how well its worked but at least today I’ve been a little more settled. Henry said I worry too much about what people think and to a large extent he’s right. I have a desperate desire to please people, to help them and fix them if they’re unhappy or broken. I also have a desperate need to be loved, for physical affection. The kind that, no matter how many of you wonderful friends I have, cannot be filled by just friendship. It just isn’t the same.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m just lonely. I’m not hurting, I’m just so incredibly lonely.

I tried Henry’s suggestion of finding that little girl, and you know what she said? She didn’t want to hear the things I had to say, she just wanted me to play with her. (This is where the blogg gets rather long and possibly far too much of my life that anyone needed to know so feel free to go read something else). I'm also not trying to make exuses or blame anyone/pass the buck. I'm also aware millions of other people feel like this too.

When I was a little girl I was always very very lonely during holidays etc. I lived too far away from my friends to get there safely, and only really had one “best” friend at Primary School. I was very shy and it’s not unfair to say I simply followed her around like a puppy. I’m like that, I’m happy to follow someone unless I need to put my foot down. Don’t think I was neglected, my mum would play with me when she could but she grew up with lots of friends nearby and three brothers. So making your own fun was much easier. And no matter how big your imagination is it’s not always enough.
I desperately wanted a sister to play with, who would, in typical childhood naivety, be my best friend. Eventually I got her, but it didn’t go to plan. Once she hit that awkward “terrible twos” stage she turned into a violent vicious little monster. A physical and emotional bully who loved nothing more than to cause me pain. Naturally she grew out of it, and I’m not someone who holds grudges, so it’s all forgotten. But we have never had that closeness I wanted to have. I’ve tried but it’s just not going to happen at this stage in our lives. To be honest, we’re 2 only children living in the same house with the same parents.

At High School I ended up in a social group, that was made up of some lovely people but that I never really fitted into. I didn’t smoke or binge drink and as for male attention, well that was non-existent. I was smart and found myself listening to people’s problems when needed. But I was always the one who was left out or the last to know. And there were times when I was bullied and victimised by some of them. In short, I never fitted in and I was acutely aware of it. So I was, still rather lonely. I had a lot of fun, and I coped by building up protective barriers, I relied on my ability to be the class swot for example.

The process of breaking out of my shell started in Y10 when I met Katie. For the first time I had a friend who was so lovely and like me that I wasn’t afraid to be me. Then I hit Sixth Form and met up with people from my primary school I’d not seen properly for years. They rapidly became my best friends. Suddenly I had a huge social group full of the most amazing people ever. I was loving it! Then too my amazement, to top it all off, I found exactly what I’d given up waiting for. Someone who’d fallen off his unicycle one too many time and actually wanted me. It was literally all I’ve ever needed.

So now it’s a case of I’m lonely, I can feel the layers starting to reform. I know I have wonderful wonderful friends but the just aren’t able to feel the void. I want to be held, I never realised how much a cuddle and a kiss can make it all go away. I was better today, I really was. It’s just sheer loneliness that I don’t know how to deal with. The last 2 years I’ve either suppressed it so hard I forgot or not needed to. I’m not particularly sure how I’m supposed to cope with it either.

I tried

I wish I could think of something to write that won’t make people angry or frustrated or annoyed or upset.

I tried and tried during work to be fine and do what everyone’s suggested with the whole exercise thing. Even when I got so frustrated at myself for doing something wrong that I banged my head on the wall I still tried.
Then I discovered the plans I had for tomorrow aren’t going to happen and I felt rejected by Person No3.
I guess I’m supposed to try again tomorrow.

Exercise

Seen as some people seem absolutely determined that exercise is the way to beat this and as they seem increasingly frustrated that I’m dismissing it, I thought I’d explain why. Everyday I do 2 hours of exercise.* Most days that is preceded by a half an hour walk to get to work. On the days I have Chemistry I walk there and back, (one hour of exercise), then walk back at three for work. Thursdays seem to have become a day when I go and play badminton for an hour with the girls. So I do exercise. And it does not make one iota of a difference.
I do not do gyms or swimming pools. It’s one of my ideas of hell. Lets stick you somewhere were everyone can look at you and you can feel so unbelievably self conscious. Yes because that’s going to do me good. I’m sure as hell not paying for it either. I used to dread my PE lessons because I felt so self conscious. I’d rather not set it back a few years thankyouverymuch. And no, going with a friend wouldn’t help either.

I’ve been told to do something that makes me happy. Problem is those things just don’t work anymore. Meeting people for a brew at Tesco used to be all I needed. Meeting for breakfast on a Sunday and then a perootle around was great. I used to enjoy learning but Chemistry just leaves me feeling increasingly stupid. I can’t even produce any art that I’m happy with. I thought about looking into Camp America this summer but all I got from my Mum was to leave it till next year and I realised I didn’t really want to do it anyway. I’d go back to driving but it bloody terrifies me. I’ve never had a proper hobby; I just don’t seem to have the attention span or interest in anything. Last time I expressed an interest in something remotely hobby like my Dad refused point blank to take me and it was impossible to get a bus. I just can’t think of anything that will fill the void or help me. What I want is to be held and have someone make it all go away but I haven’t got anyone to do that.

And I’m sorry if I sound defeatist. When I went to uni and was unhappy I fell apart then sorted myself out by finding out how to get out of that situation. Then I could enjoy my remaining time and take some happy memories away. I handled it maturely and like an adult. But I have absolutely no idea how to handle this and I just can’t see an end in sight to make it bearable.


*if anyone dares to think that cleaning doesn’t count then, frankly, you’re not going to get the rest of the point.

I hate......

I hate my life.

I hate the fact that I get up, survive the day and have to do it again and again and again and again with no end in sight.

I hate the fact that the one person who meant the most to me and made me the happiest is the one person I made miserable. I hate the fact they’re gone.

I hate the fact that if I’m such a lovely, kind wonderful person like everyone claims I am that all I get out of my life is pain and punishment.

I hate the fact that people think finding some new exciting challenge will help me. “Go find a hobby or something to achieve”. Like what? I hate sport, and that leaves pretty much nothing. I can’t even get anything from sixth form anymore. I hate the fact people expect me to get over it all and bounce back.

I hate the fact I can’t pretend to everyone. I wish I could but I just can’t. I hate the fact I’m so damn tired. I hate the fact I have no escape from anything.

I hate everything. I wish to God it would all just go away. I can’t make it go away. I don't even want to wake up tomorrow. Please make it all go away before I do something stupid. Please someone; tell me how I’m supposed to make it all go away.

Belly Up And Bury, Boy, All The Hurt You Feel Today

Midnight At The Lost And Found, Meat Loaf

My lovely weekend is rapidly vanishing. I’ve been looking forward to it for all week. The chance to see Luke would be brilliant I was hoping it would be the boost I needed to try and be happy, and I even made him a lemon cake to take back to uni. Has he been in touch? Nope.

I feel so depressed and bitterly rejected.
I hate weekends.
I hate having no one to share it all with.

Sometimes when a patient at a hospital has injuries that are going to cause a lot of pain the doctors induce a coma to allow them to sleep the worst of the pain away whilst the body heals.

Which seems like a pretty good idea to me right now. Especially given how tired I am. Waking up at four and not sleeping properly again till half seven isn’t very helpful. Now I get to go to bed and cry because I am so tired and sick of being rejected or let down or having to fight for everything. The only thing in my life that was easy, that I never had to fight for and managed to make me completely happy is gone.

Oh and check this out for Divine Justice. I woke up with a headache this morning, at 4. That’ll be God punishing me for lying to Mum then. I wonder what horrible evil thing I did to deserve losing someone I love? Justin, I don’t think God likes me either.

We’re supposed to be happy to be alive whether we like it or not

Meredith, Greys Anatomy

I didn’t go to Chemistry today. I woke up at about 4 and didn’t get more than about 45 minuets sleep between then and 7:15. I was absolutely exhausted, there was no way I was going to make it through the day faking it and not be a ratty little cow like yesterday with people. So I did a horrid thing and lied to my mum. I told her I had a headache and wanted to sleep it off. I got up at ten having managed a little more sleep and feeling a lot more capable of getting through another day.

Which I appear to have managed somehow. And guess what, I get to do it all over again tomorrow. I don’t even have to go to work, which sucks, it at least gives me a proper routine. I hate weekends. I have plenty of homework, and lots I could do for art, but I’m anxious because I don’t like any of the artists I’m supposed to look at.

It’s also decision time for Uni. I’ve had all my offers and haven’t a clue anymore. I know where I don’t want to go, but between Chester and Lancaster I’m not so sure and I’m also suffering from a distinct lack of interest, I don’t care, I don’t want to make the decision. Flip a coin someone.

This evening I was supposed to be going out. That hasn’t happened. I was supposed to be seeing Luke tomorrow, but that doesn’t look like its happening, namely because he hasn’t let me know about anything. I feel rejected and depressed. If it weren't for Ali and AliTV I don't know how I would have made it through the evening, thank you so much!
I was aiming to have a nice busy weekend of seeing people and taking my mind off it all but it’s not looking like its going to happen. I miss Dom. I mss feeling loved and wanted and appreciated. I have this great big hole inside me that I don’t know how to fill. Chocolate doesn’t seem to be working.

I didn’t mean to sound angry yesterday when I said I was sick of people telling me to give it time. I’m not angry and people aren’t being overly comforting. It’s just that particular phrase isn’t exactly much comfort. Virtually nothing is.

*insert title because I couldn't be bothered

No change. I got up, rang the Student Loan People for a balance, did some research for Art, had lunch before I went to play badminton with Jess and Liz. It was fun aside from some guy who works there standing at the door watching some people playing cricket and staring at us. Brilliant, not only do I get to feel uncoordinated but I get to feel self conscious.

I’ve been so ratty today. I’ve spent the whole day pushing it all into a little box just so I can pretend I’m ok. Unfortunately I’m exhausted so it hasn’t really been working. Mums had a go at me so which made me so upset I hurled my packet of crisps across the kitchen, which only managed to break them all without making me feel better. I am so sick of everything today. I’m even sick to death of Friends. I’ve been watching it daily because it never fails to make me smile. But now I’m on the *lovely* episodes where Ross and Rachel are together and Monica’s just stared with Richard. So I want to hurl the box out of the window.
And if one more person tells me to “give it time” I am seriously going to scream. I know everyone wants to be comforting and helpful but seriously, it makes me feel like shit. I draw no comfort from it. Give it time my ass. I would if my brain would shut the hell up and not torture me every second of every damn day with reminding me. When I was miserable in Bath I was able to count it down, and that made me feel better. I work best like that, with dates and schedules. Now all I have is a lovely empty expanse before me where I’m supposed to get to, claw my way through the day just to do it all over again. There is nothing there to look forward to or make me happy for more than five seconds before my brain says “hello, did you forget, YOU SUCK! YOU’RE ALONE!ENJOY HELL”

Lost Without You

Lost Without You, Delta Goodrem

For most of today I bumbled around miserable as hell. I didn’t get to sleep soon enough last night because I cried a lot again. Then I woke up 2 hours too early and didn’t get back to sleep. I was so unhappy all morning, my Chemistry teacher even asked if I was ok at the end of class because I was so quiet. In terms of being low, I was far lower than ever. Being on the brink of tears and trying to pretend to various people you’re ok is exhausting. I still don’t know how to fix myself and I don’t think I can. I haven’t got it in me anymore, I’ve had to fight for everything since September and now I’m just so tired. I just want him to come back and fix this so badly.

All I know is I'm lost without you, I'm not gonna lie
How am I going to be strong without you, I need you by my side
If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye don't know what I'd do ...I'mlost without youI keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I'm lost without you............

Like A Tear Without A Soul

Lonely Girl, Sandi Thom

Today started off, yet again, the way it ended yesterday* I woke up too early and wound myself up to the point of tears and only cheered up with a little help from Justin. Thanks dude, I don’t know what I would have done without you.

I somehow got through Chemistry; thankfully it was a decent lesson where I understood it all. That’ll be a first then. I managed to get some work for art done this evening too. I did something less technical to avoid feeling crap when it didn’t work out. It was peaceful but it hasn’t cheered me up like it should have.

So now I’m rather tired. Pretending you’re fine to parents etc is tiring. I’ve pretty much given up trying to fix all the pieces of myself, it’s too hard and too exhausting. I don’t think I’ve got anything to say that isn’t depressing. Oh look bedtime. Goody.

Love and Huggles, Claire

*yes ok I cried. A lot. Again. I suddenly realised I don’t remember what it felt like to be loved. I’ve forgotten. I know it’s missing but I can’t find the feeling anymore. I want it back so badly but I don’t know how to get it back.

“Vegas isn't designed for people like me...Vegas is not exactly a geek haven.”

Josh, Beauty and the Geek, Episode 5
Oh look a blogg title that isn’t depressing. Yesterdays wasn’t supposed to be either, but Liz and me have been playing Leave by Jojo a lot in her car cause we’d forgotten how good it was.

So today went better than expected, after last night I wasn’t expecting much from today* but I managed not to crash and burn just yet. Having said that the highlight of the day was watching yesterdays Beauty and the Geek, Josh won his first challenge by inviting the most women to his party. Watching him flounder just to approach them was horrible, I felt his pain. Then the delight on his face when he won, and his pride in himself, each episode I get to watch him grow and it’s amazing! God I love that guy.

I wanted to do some drawing today, I desperately need to, but as nothing I did this weekend looks decent I’ve left it. I don’t feel like looking at a drawing and thinking, yep that looks crap. I did do my Chemicals homework, but as I’ll have only got a C that’s nothing to get excited about. My head hurts and I feel fed up. Roll on bedtime.

Love and Huggles, Claire


*I wasn’t feeling very good at bedtime. There were lots of tears as per usual. Then to make it even worse I couldn’t sleep and kept waking up. Normally if I’ve cried I fall asleep pretty quick, so not being able to sleep was even more frustrating.

I Never Thought Anyone Could Make Me Feel This Way

Leave (Get Out), Jojo

So I said I’d tell you all about my weekend. Well yesterday I did nothing really, despite getting up earlier than intended to shut my phone up because it was making it’s “Charge me Charge me!!” noise. I did get two drawings done, and another today, but none of them are particularly good. I’ve lost my spark for it again. Oh well, so long as I cobble something together. Neways I spent the majority of my Saturday watching Friends, which isn’t a bad thing, it’s funny.
I did go out to post Luke’s parcel and got a lovely one from Alison, who is a wonderful person!!! It made me cry so hard but I was happy too! Thank you honey!

Today I went to see Ben and learn some Chemicals work, we went through some pastpapers and he insulted how much tea I like in my milk. *huh.
Then I went bowling with Liz and almost won. By almost I was third out of four, but I was winning for some of it. We had funny anyway, I got a slush puppy!!! Strawberry flavour. Then Liz and I drove allllllll the way up to Jesses house to see if she was there, but she wasn’t, so we did a circle and came back for tea. She was most surprised when she called us from her boyfriends having read the text from us saying we’d been to try and visit her. What she doesn’t know is we went to her boffs and left post-ticks saying hello on her car. That’ll surprise her even more.

Love and Huggles, Claire

I'm Going OUt Tonight, I'm Feeling All Right, Gonna Let It All Hang Out

Man, I Feel Like A Women, Shania Twain

I’m gonna blogg about the weekend tomorrow, when it’s done, but I shall blogg briefly about yesterday. Well Chemicals went ok, it was actually kinda fun cause we did a proper lesson then some coursework. Dr Spinx suggested I come in over Easter and do another coursework practical she can help me with because I missed one they did last October, and the plan is to use th best marks from each. I only have on coursework, so one set of marks, and doing another would be really helpful. It shows you who good some teachers are when they’re ready to give up a day of they’re Easter holidays for you.

Neways I made some blueberry and white chocolate chip cookies to send to Chester for Luke and Craige. Well actually for Craige, so he doesn’t eat the flapjack I also sent today for Lukey. They came out really yummy!!!

I got told off twice during work for talking, and threatened with a third time would be a black mark. At least I was working, pity it was talking to the same girl, ooops. I think there was an element of stress on Linda,(the bosses side) seen as her co-supervisor, Marj, wasn’t there. Better be more careful next time!

In the evening I went to the schools Rock Night with Liz and a couple of other people. We didn’t stay long cause it was kinda turning into somewhere for just the little kids to hang out rather than listening to music. Watching tiny little 11 years olds trying to start a mosh pit is hilarious. Liz, Dave and I decided to pay a call on Liz’s friend Rob, and we took a quick trip to MacDonald’s, driving past the fair we were gonna go to. We quickly decided not to bother with it, it was sooooo full of chavs you wouldn’t believe!!! The rest of the evening was spent chatting to Joan, watching Dinnerladies and eating MacDonald’s. Twas a lot of fun and was kinda what I needed in a way. Very good fun, even if I didn’t get any candyfloss.

Love and Huggles, Claire

Reminds Me How Hard It Can Be To Forget

Naught Girl, Holly Valance

I played badminton today for the first time in ages. I don’t think I’ve actually done any sport-type-thing since GCSE, so that’s like, five years now. I went a couple of times with my friend Holly to the Sports Centre then, and we had a ball. Last week Jess and I decided we should go and play it seen as everyone’s having a big gym phase, (except me, I don’t do gyms, I don’t see why I need to when I’m perfectly fit).
Neways Jess, Liz and I spent a fun hour whacking the (shuttle)cock around the court and having a good giggle. We practised our sound effects for when we hit it and our excuses if we missed, (“I wasn’t ready!”), and even in my case, managed to get it stuck in the net along the side of the court. How I did that we still don’t know but it reduced us to tears for some reason. We are so doing it again.

I thought since I managed to get yesterday out of the way things would start to get easier. I totally crashed when I got to bed last night, and cried more than I would have liked. So long as I get through the day I don’t care if I fall apart when I’m alone in bed. I’ve been ok so far today, aside from one point during work when I was really low. Getting thoughts to stay out of your head is difficult, especially when you’re alone. Normally I spend my cleaning hours thinking about millions of things, or my biggest problem. I used to spend a lot of it daydreaming about Dom. Now I spend it desperately trying not to think about him. It’s just so damn hard and I don’t want to be in this place.

I discovered an amazing new program, thanks to a link on Justin’s blogg. It’s called iLike and seems to be some kind of way of sharing musical interests. I downloaded the toolbar that attaches to itunes, and boy is it useful. It brings up free downloadable songs by artist similar to those you like, and I’ve added numerous already. It’s a good job my ipod has far more storage!

Tomorrow I’m supposed to be going to a fair, (as in ones with candyfloss and rides), so if I don’t blogg you know where I am.
Ali, you haven’t been around today, but I’m assuming you’ll read this, so I hope you results were ok and that you’ve fixed le computer. Missed talking to you honey. *hugs

Love and Huggles, Claire

I’m Just A Girl, But Not An Ordinary Girl

Just A Girl, Deana Carter

So yeah, I’m not going to Manchester University.

The lovely merkin (!!! How hot is that accent? On TV it’s like, same old same old, but in person, wow! Ok, and how American teen did I just sound??? *has head transplant back to Brit teen)…Neways so the dude that interviewed me told me I need to get a B in Chemistry. Err that isn’t gonna happen. I’ll be lucky to pass it.

In some respects the day was kinda what I needed for today. We got there and registered, and were given a free lunch. I noticed some dude stood next to me was all alone, so when my mum disappeared I said hi. Tim from Tamworth was lovely, I got the impression he was kinda shy, it was his first open day visit too. We sat together during the lecture after any parents were sent off for a different tour thing. Then we got split into different groups and I never saw him again. Bummer. Hope he gets where he wants.
Then our big group became lots of little groups and we were all given tours and our interviews. I ended up with five girls, all of which were lovely. We wandered around the various buildings with out tour guide for god knows how long before deciding unanimously to go for a cup of coffee at one of the many student cafes. Suffice to say I got to spend most of the day distracted. I’m trying the “don’t think about it” tactic currently, which is hard given I generally over analyse stuff so it’s always on my mind.

One thing that made me laugh was the uni people going on about “gut instinct” telling you where to go. Yeah I did that and look what happened. My gut instinct isn’t always so bright.

I’m pretty sure now my Firm choice will be Chester and my Insurance will be Lancaster, which means as I’m not waiting on any grades, I’ll be at Chester next year. That isn’t set in stone, but I know I don’t want to live in a HUGE city like Liverpool or Leeds, and Manchester/Man Met are so close to home, that it doesn’t seem worth living there, but I want to live at uni not commute. Meh whatever, I don’t have to decide for another few weeks.

I got another CD through the post today, one more left to come. Today was one by Deana Carter, who I also heard years ago. Everyone and again I go through my CD list on Amazon and eBay and get a few, that way I just about keep on top of it.

Love and Huggles, Claire

A Girl’s Gotta Do What A Girl’s Gotta Do, And Now I Gotta Get To Getting Over You

A Girl’s Gotta Do, Mindy Mccready

I actually learned stuff in Chemicals today, don’t ask me how, I just did. Amazing. So this meant I actually left the lesson in a happy mood.

Even better when I got home I had not one, not two, but three items of mail. The first was a present for Jess for her birthday, the second was my CD and the third was a letter from Lukey! He actually wrote me a letter! Bless him, he’s such a sweetie. I’ll be sending him more food parcels if he’s gonna write me lovely letters. *warm fuzzy feelings all round.

I had a lovely time cleaning. Jess was posted pretty nearby so we got to talk lots and have a good giggle. Although I wasn’t laughing when I discovered some lovely kid had been sick all over my classroom. Now the caretakers put this powder that dries it up on, which makes it less messy to clean up. If I wanted I could have put my foot down and said I wouldn’t clean it up, but being a nice responsible cleaner I said I would. Now the smell of the sick itself wasn’t smellable, but the powder was. By the time I’d swept it up I felt physically sick. A quick mop of the local area was all I could manage before I couldn’t stand it. *shudders. Thanks a bunch Lauren! *

Tomorrow is my interview/open day at Manchester Uni. To be honest I’d much rather go shopping, the course at Man Met is much better, if I went for a Manchester one, which I won’t because I don’t want to live I a city. (Which rules out most of them really, but a nice pretty city like Chester.) I’m also not looking forward to the day because I thought it would be my one year anniversary with Dom. Amazing how a life can flip upside down so quickly.

Love and Huggles, Claire

*I know it was a Lauren because someone had thoughtfully labelled it “Lauren’s sick” with a little diagram.

When I caught sight of myself in the mirror I thought, yeah I’d hook up with me.

Josh, Beauty and the Geek, episode 4

I’ve not left myself much time to blogg really, I spent all evening working on my Chemicals homework. I was dreading my one-on-one with Mr Holt, but it went surprisingly well. I didn’t burst into tears or anything, although we did have a meltdown at one point where my brain froze up. He gets now exactly how much I struggle with maths related stuff, and that I need practise and baby steps. He also understands saying blah blah blah, now look at that and tell me blah won’t work on me. If I can’t see it to start with I need to be shown it. Oh, and the reason I couldn’t do the coursework on Friday was because I’ve never seen the equation we were supposed to be using in my life. I didn’t have the equation; the teacher thought I did, which explains why she made no sense really. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow in the lesson now. Let’s hope I can do it!

I’ve had a pretty good day, been on a more even keel, aside from a brief dip, I’m ok. I think my brain and heart is starting to except and warm to the possibility in the future of boff no.2. Which is helpful I guess. I would certainly like someone to cuddle again. I’m a tactile person, I need to be touched and cuddled. Thank God for my Teddy bear, (although any takers to huggle me regularly are welcomed!)

I didn’t get to watch The Beauty and the Geek yesterday, but I taped it and watched it today. It was a horrible episode. Ok watching the guys get haircuts and become cute, (all they needed was a haircut really!), was sweet, but what was with all that chest waxing? It’s painful, and they’re guys! They’re supposed to have hairy chest! Although having said that I prefer my guys minus the hair. What was horrible was the sudden possibility my Geek, Josh would be eliminated. I sat there pleading with the TV and cringing like hell whilst they went through the questions. It was obvious Chris didn’t need to be on the show, he had confidence to the point of arrogance, what he needed was a super smart she-geek to wipe the floor with him. Poor Tristan didn’t cut it; she didn’t deserve to go, but rather her and Chris than my Geek. I love Josh, I’d love to wrap him up and look after him. That’s what guys with insecurities do to me, they bring out the mushy side!

Anyhoo Josh lived to fight another day *phew, and I got to run round the living room squealing and yelling with delight. My mum now thinks I’m crazy.

Love and Huggles, Claire

Who Lives In A Pineapple Under The Sea? SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants

Today was good. Met Jess and Liz and we went to see Chrish again for a few hours. We watched SpongeBob and had an indoor picnic. Then I cam home and imported more of my music to my laptop. I haven’t done any art or chemistry work this weekend so I think I should achieve something. If I can get it all on my laptop *pauses to changes CD, this weekend then at least I’ve done something. My nano is all messed up with the wrong music from the computer; I can’t even listen to S Club 7 yet!

*changes CD

Love and Huggles, Claire

Maybe I Cried, Just A Teardrop Or Two, I Would Not Die For You

Oh Romeo, Mindy Mccready

I have spent about 7 years looking for that song. All I had was a piece of paper with the singer and title stuck on my notice board for yonks. I hunted but couldn’t find it. It used to be played loads on Terry Wogan, (yep folks, I’m a Radio 2 girl all the way, far better than Radio 1), but he hasn’t played it for years. The last time I heard it was on Nick Barraclough’s Country Show. I scrawled it down, and the piece of paper has been in existence.

When I got the internet I spent along time looking for it, and concluded to my frustration I had written it down incorrectly. I had “Vindi Creed, Romeo” written down. I wouldn’t say its a million miles off.

I’d tried singing it to my mum but she didn’t remember it. So I was stuck waiting till it was played again.

Today I was looking for something, I spent ages tracking down where to download some songs by a band on my myspace, Out Of the Gray, who are brilliant but haven’t gotten to the CD stage it appears. Having been successful in finding three of their songs I hunted merrily for another singer I heard on last weeks Country Show, Sarah Braxton. She has a myspace but no actual website, (modern artists, what are they coming to?), and there’s no indication of an album release date. Although I did find one site saying its due out Feb 12th but I can’t find the site again.
Bye chance I remembered “Vindi” and had another Google shot. Her name naturally didn’t bring anything up, so I tried “Romeo”. Nothing still. Then I thought, “Hang on, there’s an “oh” before the Romeo in the chorus, lets try “Oh Romeo”, and whoa, wait a moment, you are KIDDING ME!

I found it, Oh Romeo by Mindy Mccready. Even better, I found the album on itunes, listened too it, fell in love then managed to get it for £3 on amazon.co.uk.

That was a long winded way of telling you I suppose, but OH MY GAWD I finally have it. I’ve been so hyper since, I’d made Oreo Brownie before I went internet hunting and baking always makes me happy. I cannot wait for the CD to get here!

Love and Huggles, Claire

PS, where has everyone been? It's been Ali and me in the chat allllll day. He must be sick of me!

These Little Things That Shouldn’t Matter, Make Something Inside Me Shatter

Saying Goodbye To A Friend, Suzy Bogguss

I thoroughly intended today to be a Better Day. Yesterday I went out with Katie for a little while, which was good fun, and I had a lovely chat with Jess before work. I managed to do some drawings in the evening and also had another go at my chemistry homework. So I thought maybe I could make today an ok day.

That didn’t happen. I had a horrible dream. I say horrible because I dreamt Dom and I were back together, and then work up and it hurt so much I spent 40 minutes wiggling around in my bed pleading for it to stop hurting.
I thought, ok get up, go to Chemicals and let yourself be distracted, that will help, you’ll come out feeling so much better and get to walk home listening to your ipod happily and being lost in the music.

That didn’t happen.

Last week we did the practical for our coursework, which was fun. Then we started the write-up. We went through it first because we lose a mark every time we ask the teacher for help. Last week I thought, ok not so hard, I can do this. This week I took one look at the first question and felt my blood run cold followed by a wave of complete panic. I could not do it. Hadn’t a clue. I tried to listen to the teacher help others, and went to see her twice but still I couldn’t understand it because she’s not allowed to say “this goes here and this goes there” step by baby step. By the time the lesson finished I felt like crap, I was wound so tight and so close to tears.
I talked to her and have a session to go over some stuff with another teacher next Monday, because we’re finishing the coursework on Tuesday. I don’t even want to think about the mark.
So instead of walking home cheered up, I caught the bus close to tears and utterly depressed. A long time ago I figured that if I couldn’t get anything else right I could still get an A. That has been my support through everything.
Unfortunately no matter how hard I try I cannot do Chemistry. The best I get on the easiest module is a C. The other one we’re learning I haven’t a clue on, and I haven’t got a hope in hell of passing the first because I missed all of that. It just won’t click. I am so close to giving it all up it’s not true. Given that I get paid £30 a week to go to sixth form and that it’s not long till we break up, I might as well keep going. My parents would not be impressed if I gave up now, and I can’t bear the thought of disappointing the teachers at the school. They will be anyway when I flunk it. Getting a job where I live is very hard, as Liz and Jess have found, so this is the better option financially. Even if it depresses me.

I wasn’t feeling too bad this afternoon but then I walked a little way to work with mum and she upset me by being bitter and unforgiving about something I was talking to her about. I’d just told her I was going to take her advice on something, (mainly because I can’t deal with the extra agro I’m getting from my parents), and instead of the pat on the head and good girl all I got was more agro. And she tells me I’m becoming snappy and impatient? Is it any wonder when I spend my whole time at home with my defences up and on overtime?

Then I spent all of cleaning waiting for my bosses to come and yell at me for something like they seem to every single day. They didn’t but I was still knotted up.

Oh and I realised on my way home I messed up my last blogg. It suddenly occurred to me there were two Fords on American history, the car dude and the president. I saw Ford and assumed Gerald the President because the quote made sense in relation to Watergate. I was wrong and it was Henry the Car Dude, which means the quote makes even more sense and my ramblings after it make very little sense. Buggar. And at this point my back is aching so much I have to go and stretch it out.