Wound Up, Leanne Rhimes

Little Carrie Ann what a beautiful girl,
From the moment she was born
She was always perfect
Whole town said "Why can't you be more like her?"

Lights go on and she's ready to spin
On stage doing all the things she's told to
Puts on a show in front of the whole damn world

I pray to the heavens to try to save her soul
Cause that sweet little angel is not the girl I know

She gets wound upshe gets higher by the minute
Turns the sound up
To drown out all the pain
They all think they know her
But no one really knows
That she goes a little crazy sometimes

She parks her car at the top of the hill
Only inches from the edge
Where she's almost falling
Stares at the sky till she's drowning in the rain

Nice dress, nice smile
What a wonderful child
If they only knew all the lies she's told them
It's too complicated for her to explain

She prays to the heavens to try to save her soul
Cause the sweet little angel is close to letting go

Antidepressant, Citalopram, 20gm daily, 4-6 weeks

Citalopram hydrobromide is a highly selective and potent serotonin (5-hydroxytryptamine 5-HT) reuptake inhibitor with minimal effects on the neuronal reuptake of norepinephrine (NE) and dopamine (DA). The ability of citalopram to potentiate serotonergic activity in the central nervous system via inhibition of the neuronal reuptake of serotonin is thought to be responsible for its antidepressant action. Tolerance to the inhibition of serotonin reuptake is not induced by long term (14 days) treatment of rats with citalopram.

Citalopram has no or very low affinity for a series of receptors including serotonin 5-HT1A, 5-HT2, dopamine D1, and D2, a1-, a2-, b-adrenergic, histamine H1, muscarinic cholinergic, benzodiazepine, gamma aminobutyric acid (GABA) and opioid receptors.

It’s Only A Diary

A piece of music from one of the Bridget Jones’ films, possibly the first one.

My parents read my diary.

Yeah I know, before anyone points it out to me, they’re only trying to help/worried about me. But they read my diary. The one place I could write what the hell I wanted and let it out a little. Now I can’t because how do I know they’re not going to do it again?

I don’t do hate or anger so forgiving them is not a problem. Forgetting is much harder. And I don’t think I can for a long time.

It’s my fucking DIARY for Christ’s sake! What to I have to do, always keep it on my person?

I don’t think it’s sunk in yet.

My dairy……

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?

As I walk this land with broken dreams
I have visions of many things
Love's happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion,
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed?
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe.

The fruits of love grow all around
But for me they come a tumblin' down.
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger
I can't stand this pain much longer
I walk in shadows
Searching for light
Cold and alone
No comfort in sight,
Hoping and praying for someone to care
Always moving and goin to where
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed?

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted? Jimmy Ruffin

You'll have to excuse my spelling. My laptop is in the process of dying, to give me a few extra days I've had to preform a full system restore. As it's likely to die soon, or be taken away for fixing so I'm not likely to bother putting my music and stuff on it. Although I sense Office 2000 and the ability to spell check may be needed!!

I haven't done an awfull lot the last couple of days, some art and Liz randomly popped round yesterday for a needle. And yet she left with a Claire...how odd. We went to see Lukey for a couple of hours, mainly to play on his trampoline* despite him insisting that it was two at a time. There was four of us on it all happily bouncing, (even if it was getting dangerously close to the ground at some points), our excuse being that only 1 and 3/3 were on it. I wonder if it will take you guys as long as it took me to figure out who the three thirds were!

I created a yahoo account yesterday, my address is claire.tinker@yahoo.co.uk I'm not changing to that account, (whatever that stupid automated email said to you all, that wasn't supposed to happen but did when I imported my address book), but at least I should eb able to talk to my yahoo people again. I hope.....

*boys wipe the grin off your face, thats not a euphamism.

F***

This morning my mum told me she wanted to talk to me. I figured she'd found out I'd skived Chem last week but no. Someone decieded to tell my mum on Friday how unhappy I have been.

They, I assume, thought it would make things better if my parents where aware of how I've been feeling. I thank them for their concern, and understand they meant well. But it's actually made the situation feel a hell of a site worse.

We talked or argued or whatever you want to call it with no actual conclusion. Nothing came out of it. NOTHING!

My parents knowing I'm unhappy doesn't help anything. That's why I hadn't told them. I don't know how to talk to them anymore. I didn't want them knowing because it meant that when I was home at least it didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells.

Which is what it feels like now. I was just starting to find existance bearable yesterday, depsite being knackered. Now I feel like shit yet again. Now I am so wound up I've been sick. Pretending, no matter how hard it got, meant I had some normality in my life. Now I don't. I have a great big urge to go up the hill behind my house and scream until I'm sick. Or cry like hell.

And I get to feel like this again when my dad comes home and has the same talk with me.

FUCK.

No Change

*Apologies to Henry if you’ve tuned in to see my art, I’ve messed something on it up and haven’t sorted it out yet. So it wouldn’t make any sense! Sorry!


I’m not really feeling much better. Everything still feels a mess with various people. I still feel numb and empty. I’m depressed. Part of my can see the girl I used to be, but she’s just so far gone it’s like another life. I just want to feel something other than negative emotions. And it isn’t as simple as just smiling. Or doing something different or whatever. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I can’t see how this is best for anyone long or short term. I just can’t see anything anymore. I just don’t know anything or feel anything. I just want it back. I just give up. There doesn’t even seem to be something inside me who wants to fight it all anymore.