It’s Only A Diary

A piece of music from one of the Bridget Jones’ films, possibly the first one.

My parents read my diary.

Yeah I know, before anyone points it out to me, they’re only trying to help/worried about me. But they read my diary. The one place I could write what the hell I wanted and let it out a little. Now I can’t because how do I know they’re not going to do it again?

I don’t do hate or anger so forgiving them is not a problem. Forgetting is much harder. And I don’t think I can for a long time.

It’s my fucking DIARY for Christ’s sake! What to I have to do, always keep it on my person?

I don’t think it’s sunk in yet.

My dairy……

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?

As I walk this land with broken dreams
I have visions of many things
Love's happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion,
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed?
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe.

The fruits of love grow all around
But for me they come a tumblin' down.
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger
I can't stand this pain much longer
I walk in shadows
Searching for light
Cold and alone
No comfort in sight,
Hoping and praying for someone to care
Always moving and goin to where
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed?

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted? Jimmy Ruffin

You'll have to excuse my spelling. My laptop is in the process of dying, to give me a few extra days I've had to preform a full system restore. As it's likely to die soon, or be taken away for fixing so I'm not likely to bother putting my music and stuff on it. Although I sense Office 2000 and the ability to spell check may be needed!!

I haven't done an awfull lot the last couple of days, some art and Liz randomly popped round yesterday for a needle. And yet she left with a Claire...how odd. We went to see Lukey for a couple of hours, mainly to play on his trampoline* despite him insisting that it was two at a time. There was four of us on it all happily bouncing, (even if it was getting dangerously close to the ground at some points), our excuse being that only 1 and 3/3 were on it. I wonder if it will take you guys as long as it took me to figure out who the three thirds were!

I created a yahoo account yesterday, my address is claire.tinker@yahoo.co.uk I'm not changing to that account, (whatever that stupid automated email said to you all, that wasn't supposed to happen but did when I imported my address book), but at least I should eb able to talk to my yahoo people again. I hope.....

*boys wipe the grin off your face, thats not a euphamism.

I Want My Money Back!

Life Is A Lemon, Meat Loaf

I got a letter from Bath Spa this morning. Apparently I owe them £666 for 2 months tuition, (although I was there only 5 days in September and that was Freshers week so wasn’t exactly a teaching week, AND given I barely saw my tutors because I had to share with the 2nd year, so £333 a month seems kinda screwy).

I assumed that my tuition fee had already been paid direct to the uni by the Student Loan Company, given I took out the necessary loan with them. I’d assumed too it had been paid to Bath Spa and I’d paid the SLC back when I sent them the cheques. Apparently not.

So it looks like I won’t be seeing Meat Loaf. The tickets are likely to go for very inflated prices on ebay, and I would have happily bid for them before, but apparently I owe the f****** uni more money. I left in October, SIX MONTHS ago. I’m getting sick of them pissing me about months later cause they can’t get it all right. I’d relaxed my saving somewhat so I could have fun, like going to Alison’s or to Blackpool. Now my attempts to save anything this year just seem futile.

And now I don’t get to see Meat…………….*cries

F***

This morning my mum told me she wanted to talk to me. I figured she'd found out I'd skived Chem last week but no. Someone decieded to tell my mum on Friday how unhappy I have been.

They, I assume, thought it would make things better if my parents where aware of how I've been feeling. I thank them for their concern, and understand they meant well. But it's actually made the situation feel a hell of a site worse.

We talked or argued or whatever you want to call it with no actual conclusion. Nothing came out of it. NOTHING!

My parents knowing I'm unhappy doesn't help anything. That's why I hadn't told them. I don't know how to talk to them anymore. I didn't want them knowing because it meant that when I was home at least it didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells.

Which is what it feels like now. I was just starting to find existance bearable yesterday, depsite being knackered. Now I feel like shit yet again. Now I am so wound up I've been sick. Pretending, no matter how hard it got, meant I had some normality in my life. Now I don't. I have a great big urge to go up the hill behind my house and scream until I'm sick. Or cry like hell.

And I get to feel like this again when my dad comes home and has the same talk with me.

FUCK.

So yeah, I feel screwed over.

For anyone who doesn’t want to hear how miserable I’m feeling, yet again, click the back button now. There I warned you.

I got screwed over by yet another friend. I’ve defended her when people have slagged her off, I’ve always believed the best in her and she screwed me over. Thanks.

I just feel…………………..

Empty. All I want to do is cry and not stop. I want to scream and lash out at myself but can’t. I want to go back in time to when I felt safe and loved and was happy.

I get told to think positive, but positive about what?

That I’m alone?
I don’t see an end to the tunnel.

It gets easier.
But I’m still alone.

I don’t understand what I’ve done to lose the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I don’t understand why I can’t have it. I don’t understand why I can see people who seem to have found that someone and done nothing to deserve it when I’ve given so much to the universe and I’m deprived of it.

All day something inside of me has been crying. Probably that stupid little girl. I cried during work a little and on the way home. Now I’m going to cry some more because if I don’t let it out then I’ll explode.

See I did warn you I was feeling depressed.

What Goes Up Comes Down, Hits The Ground

Karma, Jessica Andrews

I don’t know what to say. It seems I’m not allowed to blogg what I’m feeling. Which I don’t understand. It feels like I’m supposed to snap my fingers, get over it and stick a smile on my face. Maybe I should just stop blogging. Or maybe I should start pretending.

Last night I wasn’t implying people from the internet have let me down or there the ones who I want to go away. I don’t understand where that’s come from frankly. I don’t want PEOPLE to go away, I want the loneliness to go away, the desperate desire to just be held so it all feels right again.
It occurred to me the other day that the people who’ve been most supportive are the ones on the internet. And Dom. Oh the irony.

I am so fucking lonely.*

Someone said something about Karma today. I used to have a simple philosophy, bad karma doesn’t exist, there’s no such thing as bad luck. If you believe that then you get good things back.
You get back what you put in…..

So I spend my life worrying about other people, jumping straight to them if I know they have a problem. I look after them, let them vent and comfort them. I try so hard to fix them. I go out of my way to help people, total randomers**. I try so hard to be a good person, to make my family proud and make everyone happy.

For all I’ve put in I got 11 blissful months where I woke up every day knowing how lucky I was. I never took it for granted. And now it’s gone. I read my email this morning and promptly spent the entire day crying, or staring blankly at the TV whilst Friends played. I cried so much last night and woke up thinking today would be ok. How wrong could I get?

So what I want to know is what the fuck do I have to do to be allowed to be happy. How long do I have to put in just to get the one thing I want? At exactly what point is Karma going to decide I’ve done enough good deeds.

For people like me Karma doesn’t exist. It's just a never ending cycle of putting out and never getting back.

*I apologise for the choice of words. I don’t normally swear but it seems to fit right now.
**as random a guy in Manchester pleading for money because he hadn’t any to get to the airport. I gave him a tenner because I felt sorry for him, even if I now know he was lying to me. I did the right thing, I figured if I put the good into the universe I’d get it back. Yeah right.

I Keep On Falling

Falling, Alicia Keys

I was fine today. I had a fun Chemistry lesson making bread and mucking around. We made one hell of a mess; in fact the mess came out better than the bread. I was amazed by how few of them knew what 50g flour looked like. One scale was faulty and it took ages before anyone realised. I’d used a different balance but many weren’t impressed they had to reweigh.

Then I came home and did a couple of odd jobs, including my Chemicals homework, which means I should have the weekend to focus on Art.

Whoopty flippin doo.

I hate weekends. I suddenly realised at the end of work that I was going to see no one all weekend. I’ve pretty much gone downhill from there. I just feel like if I don’t ask people if they want to do anything then we don’t and that people are just so wrapped up in their lives they haven’t got a few hours for me. It doesn’t seem like much to ask for a little time with my friends. I’ve spent 2 hours with them this week.
I’ve got a week left till Easter break, 2 weeks off. I’m not looking forward to it. It just means 14days where the majority will be spent on my own.

I’m sorry people, but I’m back pretty much where I was at the start of the week. Bitterly alone and miserable. I’m sorry I’ve let people down. I did try, it was a good day, I was happy and balanced until the end of work.
I’m even sorrier that I’m so wrapped up in my own self obsession and misery that I haven’t blogged about the birth of baby Emma. I just feel like a selfish cow for that. I’m sorry baby.
I’ll use your song Henry when I’m not so low. Sorry.

I tried

I wish I could think of something to write that won’t make people angry or frustrated or annoyed or upset.

I tried and tried during work to be fine and do what everyone’s suggested with the whole exercise thing. Even when I got so frustrated at myself for doing something wrong that I banged my head on the wall I still tried.
Then I discovered the plans I had for tomorrow aren’t going to happen and I felt rejected by Person No3.
I guess I’m supposed to try again tomorrow.

Exercise

Seen as some people seem absolutely determined that exercise is the way to beat this and as they seem increasingly frustrated that I’m dismissing it, I thought I’d explain why. Everyday I do 2 hours of exercise.* Most days that is preceded by a half an hour walk to get to work. On the days I have Chemistry I walk there and back, (one hour of exercise), then walk back at three for work. Thursdays seem to have become a day when I go and play badminton for an hour with the girls. So I do exercise. And it does not make one iota of a difference.
I do not do gyms or swimming pools. It’s one of my ideas of hell. Lets stick you somewhere were everyone can look at you and you can feel so unbelievably self conscious. Yes because that’s going to do me good. I’m sure as hell not paying for it either. I used to dread my PE lessons because I felt so self conscious. I’d rather not set it back a few years thankyouverymuch. And no, going with a friend wouldn’t help either.

I’ve been told to do something that makes me happy. Problem is those things just don’t work anymore. Meeting people for a brew at Tesco used to be all I needed. Meeting for breakfast on a Sunday and then a perootle around was great. I used to enjoy learning but Chemistry just leaves me feeling increasingly stupid. I can’t even produce any art that I’m happy with. I thought about looking into Camp America this summer but all I got from my Mum was to leave it till next year and I realised I didn’t really want to do it anyway. I’d go back to driving but it bloody terrifies me. I’ve never had a proper hobby; I just don’t seem to have the attention span or interest in anything. Last time I expressed an interest in something remotely hobby like my Dad refused point blank to take me and it was impossible to get a bus. I just can’t think of anything that will fill the void or help me. What I want is to be held and have someone make it all go away but I haven’t got anyone to do that.

And I’m sorry if I sound defeatist. When I went to uni and was unhappy I fell apart then sorted myself out by finding out how to get out of that situation. Then I could enjoy my remaining time and take some happy memories away. I handled it maturely and like an adult. But I have absolutely no idea how to handle this and I just can’t see an end in sight to make it bearable.


*if anyone dares to think that cleaning doesn’t count then, frankly, you’re not going to get the rest of the point.

I hate......

I hate my life.

I hate the fact that I get up, survive the day and have to do it again and again and again and again with no end in sight.

I hate the fact that the one person who meant the most to me and made me the happiest is the one person I made miserable. I hate the fact they’re gone.

I hate the fact that if I’m such a lovely, kind wonderful person like everyone claims I am that all I get out of my life is pain and punishment.

I hate the fact that people think finding some new exciting challenge will help me. “Go find a hobby or something to achieve”. Like what? I hate sport, and that leaves pretty much nothing. I can’t even get anything from sixth form anymore. I hate the fact people expect me to get over it all and bounce back.

I hate the fact I can’t pretend to everyone. I wish I could but I just can’t. I hate the fact I’m so damn tired. I hate the fact I have no escape from anything.

I hate everything. I wish to God it would all just go away. I can’t make it go away. I don't even want to wake up tomorrow. Please make it all go away before I do something stupid. Please someone; tell me how I’m supposed to make it all go away.

Belly Up And Bury, Boy, All The Hurt You Feel Today

Midnight At The Lost And Found, Meat Loaf

My lovely weekend is rapidly vanishing. I’ve been looking forward to it for all week. The chance to see Luke would be brilliant I was hoping it would be the boost I needed to try and be happy, and I even made him a lemon cake to take back to uni. Has he been in touch? Nope.

I feel so depressed and bitterly rejected.
I hate weekends.
I hate having no one to share it all with.

Sometimes when a patient at a hospital has injuries that are going to cause a lot of pain the doctors induce a coma to allow them to sleep the worst of the pain away whilst the body heals.

Which seems like a pretty good idea to me right now. Especially given how tired I am. Waking up at four and not sleeping properly again till half seven isn’t very helpful. Now I get to go to bed and cry because I am so tired and sick of being rejected or let down or having to fight for everything. The only thing in my life that was easy, that I never had to fight for and managed to make me completely happy is gone.

Oh and check this out for Divine Justice. I woke up with a headache this morning, at 4. That’ll be God punishing me for lying to Mum then. I wonder what horrible evil thing I did to deserve losing someone I love? Justin, I don’t think God likes me either.

We’re supposed to be happy to be alive whether we like it or not

Meredith, Greys Anatomy

I didn’t go to Chemistry today. I woke up at about 4 and didn’t get more than about 45 minuets sleep between then and 7:15. I was absolutely exhausted, there was no way I was going to make it through the day faking it and not be a ratty little cow like yesterday with people. So I did a horrid thing and lied to my mum. I told her I had a headache and wanted to sleep it off. I got up at ten having managed a little more sleep and feeling a lot more capable of getting through another day.

Which I appear to have managed somehow. And guess what, I get to do it all over again tomorrow. I don’t even have to go to work, which sucks, it at least gives me a proper routine. I hate weekends. I have plenty of homework, and lots I could do for art, but I’m anxious because I don’t like any of the artists I’m supposed to look at.

It’s also decision time for Uni. I’ve had all my offers and haven’t a clue anymore. I know where I don’t want to go, but between Chester and Lancaster I’m not so sure and I’m also suffering from a distinct lack of interest, I don’t care, I don’t want to make the decision. Flip a coin someone.

This evening I was supposed to be going out. That hasn’t happened. I was supposed to be seeing Luke tomorrow, but that doesn’t look like its happening, namely because he hasn’t let me know about anything. I feel rejected and depressed. If it weren't for Ali and AliTV I don't know how I would have made it through the evening, thank you so much!
I was aiming to have a nice busy weekend of seeing people and taking my mind off it all but it’s not looking like its going to happen. I miss Dom. I mss feeling loved and wanted and appreciated. I have this great big hole inside me that I don’t know how to fill. Chocolate doesn’t seem to be working.

I didn’t mean to sound angry yesterday when I said I was sick of people telling me to give it time. I’m not angry and people aren’t being overly comforting. It’s just that particular phrase isn’t exactly much comfort. Virtually nothing is.

*insert title because I couldn't be bothered

No change. I got up, rang the Student Loan People for a balance, did some research for Art, had lunch before I went to play badminton with Jess and Liz. It was fun aside from some guy who works there standing at the door watching some people playing cricket and staring at us. Brilliant, not only do I get to feel uncoordinated but I get to feel self conscious.

I’ve been so ratty today. I’ve spent the whole day pushing it all into a little box just so I can pretend I’m ok. Unfortunately I’m exhausted so it hasn’t really been working. Mums had a go at me so which made me so upset I hurled my packet of crisps across the kitchen, which only managed to break them all without making me feel better. I am so sick of everything today. I’m even sick to death of Friends. I’ve been watching it daily because it never fails to make me smile. But now I’m on the *lovely* episodes where Ross and Rachel are together and Monica’s just stared with Richard. So I want to hurl the box out of the window.
And if one more person tells me to “give it time” I am seriously going to scream. I know everyone wants to be comforting and helpful but seriously, it makes me feel like shit. I draw no comfort from it. Give it time my ass. I would if my brain would shut the hell up and not torture me every second of every damn day with reminding me. When I was miserable in Bath I was able to count it down, and that made me feel better. I work best like that, with dates and schedules. Now all I have is a lovely empty expanse before me where I’m supposed to get to, claw my way through the day just to do it all over again. There is nothing there to look forward to or make me happy for more than five seconds before my brain says “hello, did you forget, YOU SUCK! YOU’RE ALONE!ENJOY HELL”

Lost Without You

Lost Without You, Delta Goodrem

For most of today I bumbled around miserable as hell. I didn’t get to sleep soon enough last night because I cried a lot again. Then I woke up 2 hours too early and didn’t get back to sleep. I was so unhappy all morning, my Chemistry teacher even asked if I was ok at the end of class because I was so quiet. In terms of being low, I was far lower than ever. Being on the brink of tears and trying to pretend to various people you’re ok is exhausting. I still don’t know how to fix myself and I don’t think I can. I haven’t got it in me anymore, I’ve had to fight for everything since September and now I’m just so tired. I just want him to come back and fix this so badly.

All I know is I'm lost without you, I'm not gonna lie
How am I going to be strong without you, I need you by my side
If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye don't know what I'd do ...I'mlost without youI keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I'm lost without you............

Like A Tear Without A Soul

Lonely Girl, Sandi Thom

Today started off, yet again, the way it ended yesterday* I woke up too early and wound myself up to the point of tears and only cheered up with a little help from Justin. Thanks dude, I don’t know what I would have done without you.

I somehow got through Chemistry; thankfully it was a decent lesson where I understood it all. That’ll be a first then. I managed to get some work for art done this evening too. I did something less technical to avoid feeling crap when it didn’t work out. It was peaceful but it hasn’t cheered me up like it should have.

So now I’m rather tired. Pretending you’re fine to parents etc is tiring. I’ve pretty much given up trying to fix all the pieces of myself, it’s too hard and too exhausting. I don’t think I’ve got anything to say that isn’t depressing. Oh look bedtime. Goody.

Love and Huggles, Claire

*yes ok I cried. A lot. Again. I suddenly realised I don’t remember what it felt like to be loved. I’ve forgotten. I know it’s missing but I can’t find the feeling anymore. I want it back so badly but I don’t know how to get it back.