So yeah, I feel screwed over.

For anyone who doesn’t want to hear how miserable I’m feeling, yet again, click the back button now. There I warned you.

I got screwed over by yet another friend. I’ve defended her when people have slagged her off, I’ve always believed the best in her and she screwed me over. Thanks.

I just feel…………………..

Empty. All I want to do is cry and not stop. I want to scream and lash out at myself but can’t. I want to go back in time to when I felt safe and loved and was happy.

I get told to think positive, but positive about what?

That I’m alone?
I don’t see an end to the tunnel.

It gets easier.
But I’m still alone.

I don’t understand what I’ve done to lose the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I don’t understand why I can’t have it. I don’t understand why I can see people who seem to have found that someone and done nothing to deserve it when I’ve given so much to the universe and I’m deprived of it.

All day something inside of me has been crying. Probably that stupid little girl. I cried during work a little and on the way home. Now I’m going to cry some more because if I don’t let it out then I’ll explode.

See I did warn you I was feeling depressed.

What Goes Up Comes Down, Hits The Ground

Karma, Jessica Andrews

I don’t know what to say. It seems I’m not allowed to blogg what I’m feeling. Which I don’t understand. It feels like I’m supposed to snap my fingers, get over it and stick a smile on my face. Maybe I should just stop blogging. Or maybe I should start pretending.

Last night I wasn’t implying people from the internet have let me down or there the ones who I want to go away. I don’t understand where that’s come from frankly. I don’t want PEOPLE to go away, I want the loneliness to go away, the desperate desire to just be held so it all feels right again.
It occurred to me the other day that the people who’ve been most supportive are the ones on the internet. And Dom. Oh the irony.

I am so fucking lonely.*

Someone said something about Karma today. I used to have a simple philosophy, bad karma doesn’t exist, there’s no such thing as bad luck. If you believe that then you get good things back.
You get back what you put in…..

So I spend my life worrying about other people, jumping straight to them if I know they have a problem. I look after them, let them vent and comfort them. I try so hard to fix them. I go out of my way to help people, total randomers**. I try so hard to be a good person, to make my family proud and make everyone happy.

For all I’ve put in I got 11 blissful months where I woke up every day knowing how lucky I was. I never took it for granted. And now it’s gone. I read my email this morning and promptly spent the entire day crying, or staring blankly at the TV whilst Friends played. I cried so much last night and woke up thinking today would be ok. How wrong could I get?

So what I want to know is what the fuck do I have to do to be allowed to be happy. How long do I have to put in just to get the one thing I want? At exactly what point is Karma going to decide I’ve done enough good deeds.

For people like me Karma doesn’t exist. It's just a never ending cycle of putting out and never getting back.

*I apologise for the choice of words. I don’t normally swear but it seems to fit right now.
**as random a guy in Manchester pleading for money because he hadn’t any to get to the airport. I gave him a tenner because I felt sorry for him, even if I now know he was lying to me. I did the right thing, I figured if I put the good into the universe I’d get it back. Yeah right.

I Keep On Falling

Falling, Alicia Keys

I was fine today. I had a fun Chemistry lesson making bread and mucking around. We made one hell of a mess; in fact the mess came out better than the bread. I was amazed by how few of them knew what 50g flour looked like. One scale was faulty and it took ages before anyone realised. I’d used a different balance but many weren’t impressed they had to reweigh.

Then I came home and did a couple of odd jobs, including my Chemicals homework, which means I should have the weekend to focus on Art.

Whoopty flippin doo.

I hate weekends. I suddenly realised at the end of work that I was going to see no one all weekend. I’ve pretty much gone downhill from there. I just feel like if I don’t ask people if they want to do anything then we don’t and that people are just so wrapped up in their lives they haven’t got a few hours for me. It doesn’t seem like much to ask for a little time with my friends. I’ve spent 2 hours with them this week.
I’ve got a week left till Easter break, 2 weeks off. I’m not looking forward to it. It just means 14days where the majority will be spent on my own.

I’m sorry people, but I’m back pretty much where I was at the start of the week. Bitterly alone and miserable. I’m sorry I’ve let people down. I did try, it was a good day, I was happy and balanced until the end of work.
I’m even sorrier that I’m so wrapped up in my own self obsession and misery that I haven’t blogged about the birth of baby Emma. I just feel like a selfish cow for that. I’m sorry baby.
I’ll use your song Henry when I’m not so low. Sorry.

Lonliness and it's explanation

I’m feeling better today. The last few days I think I’ve spent venting and trying to unbottle it. I don’t know how well its worked but at least today I’ve been a little more settled. Henry said I worry too much about what people think and to a large extent he’s right. I have a desperate desire to please people, to help them and fix them if they’re unhappy or broken. I also have a desperate need to be loved, for physical affection. The kind that, no matter how many of you wonderful friends I have, cannot be filled by just friendship. It just isn’t the same.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m just lonely. I’m not hurting, I’m just so incredibly lonely.

I tried Henry’s suggestion of finding that little girl, and you know what she said? She didn’t want to hear the things I had to say, she just wanted me to play with her. (This is where the blogg gets rather long and possibly far too much of my life that anyone needed to know so feel free to go read something else). I'm also not trying to make exuses or blame anyone/pass the buck. I'm also aware millions of other people feel like this too.

When I was a little girl I was always very very lonely during holidays etc. I lived too far away from my friends to get there safely, and only really had one “best” friend at Primary School. I was very shy and it’s not unfair to say I simply followed her around like a puppy. I’m like that, I’m happy to follow someone unless I need to put my foot down. Don’t think I was neglected, my mum would play with me when she could but she grew up with lots of friends nearby and three brothers. So making your own fun was much easier. And no matter how big your imagination is it’s not always enough.
I desperately wanted a sister to play with, who would, in typical childhood naivety, be my best friend. Eventually I got her, but it didn’t go to plan. Once she hit that awkward “terrible twos” stage she turned into a violent vicious little monster. A physical and emotional bully who loved nothing more than to cause me pain. Naturally she grew out of it, and I’m not someone who holds grudges, so it’s all forgotten. But we have never had that closeness I wanted to have. I’ve tried but it’s just not going to happen at this stage in our lives. To be honest, we’re 2 only children living in the same house with the same parents.

At High School I ended up in a social group, that was made up of some lovely people but that I never really fitted into. I didn’t smoke or binge drink and as for male attention, well that was non-existent. I was smart and found myself listening to people’s problems when needed. But I was always the one who was left out or the last to know. And there were times when I was bullied and victimised by some of them. In short, I never fitted in and I was acutely aware of it. So I was, still rather lonely. I had a lot of fun, and I coped by building up protective barriers, I relied on my ability to be the class swot for example.

The process of breaking out of my shell started in Y10 when I met Katie. For the first time I had a friend who was so lovely and like me that I wasn’t afraid to be me. Then I hit Sixth Form and met up with people from my primary school I’d not seen properly for years. They rapidly became my best friends. Suddenly I had a huge social group full of the most amazing people ever. I was loving it! Then too my amazement, to top it all off, I found exactly what I’d given up waiting for. Someone who’d fallen off his unicycle one too many time and actually wanted me. It was literally all I’ve ever needed.

So now it’s a case of I’m lonely, I can feel the layers starting to reform. I know I have wonderful wonderful friends but the just aren’t able to feel the void. I want to be held, I never realised how much a cuddle and a kiss can make it all go away. I was better today, I really was. It’s just sheer loneliness that I don’t know how to deal with. The last 2 years I’ve either suppressed it so hard I forgot or not needed to. I’m not particularly sure how I’m supposed to cope with it either.