What’s Your Silver Lining?

One Heart, Celine Dion

Hello folks, long time no blogg :) My bad.

So where have I been. Well working my little tush off as a frozen monkey and counters lady for the last couple of weeks as always. My parents have been away so I’ve been living quite literally at Richards house. It’s been amazing. We’ve fitted into the routine in perfect harmony, no issues or anything. The highlight of the last 2 weeks was the other night when I kissed him goodbye before leaving to go and prepare tea at his whilst he worked. It ran something like this;

Me; See you later honey
Richard; Love you
*dramatic pause in which we both tried to work out if he really had just said that!
Me; Did you just say what I think you said……?
Richard; Yes….No…..I’m doing a Chandler *is flustered
Me; I love you too

I wasn’t expecting to be saying I love you so soon, neither was he, we’d already established it was probably gonna be a while before either of us felt that. But it happened; it came from the heart, without meaning to. And I’m so glad he said it. And I know he doesn’t regret it either.

So aside from being on cloud nine I have blitzed my bedroom, a process that is still happening. Lots of stuff is either gone, going or on ebay. I’m still knitting my bag for uni, which is about half done knitting wise. My plan is to cut down my hours the next month because I have so much still to do before going. Oh, and I’m into Cartmel Collage, land of the bunnies. House 5, Flat something-or-other, Thirlmere. It’s great. All my forms and stuff have been filled in ready to go back to them.

In short I am happy again. Back to who I was and who I’m supposed to be. The pain is still there when I think about Dom. But I don’t anymore, because I don’t need to. Richard is here to support me, and I know he will treat me the way I deserve to. He knows the Best Damn Thing when he sees it. Fate moves in mysterious ways.

You Held My Hand And Walked Me Home I Know, You Gave Me A Kiss It Went Something Like This It Made Me Go Oh Oh

Don’t Tell Me, Avril Lavigne

Well after a rather busy week I’ve managed to get a day off. It was spent sorting out the odd form and posting the odd ebay parcel. I managed to sneak a trip to ASDA in, during which my mum briefly met Richard, and hasn’t expressed any extreme dislike, and didn’t seem to mind lots when I stayed behind to wait until he could have a break. We then spent a lovely 15 minuets being gawped at in the staff canteen, we’re not obvious that we’re now together, but the body language says it all. The number of staff that openly sit and stare at us is unbelievable, like we’re a freak show! The managers are worse, Richards had an huge amount of “funny” comments when he’s been on a break alone. It’s like, err hello Mr Managers do you think YOU could get a 19 year old girlfriend? I don’t THINK so.
I was even more upset and angry when he text me saying our manager, Danny, had laid into him before going home for me coming down this afternoon. I stood there chatting to him whilst he worked away, it was very professional, we always are when on the shop floor, (well unless it’s 9 o’clock on the biscuit isle……), but it makes me so angry. We were doing nothing wrong. The sooner he goes the better.

Been shopping briefly this week, but mainly it’s been all about work. Pretty much solidly, long shifts too. Although I had the delight of Richard walking to and from work to see me three times on Tuesday, made the lonesome frozen shift well worth it :) He got soaked three times. But he did come back and walk me to the bus, I don’t like catching it at 10.20 at night.

Yeah, you may have gathered I’m seeing Richard now. To hell with the age difference, he treats me better than anyone ever has. We’re talking completely smitten, absolutely adoring me. And I’m becoming increasingly smitten back.

OOOO and thanks to the wonder of Facebook I’ve made TWO new friends at Lancaster, brilliant eh? As for results day yesterday, I haven’t gotten my results yet, didn’t want to go and get them, they’re not in the paper so I’m just hoping they will be posted to me.

It Was Long Ago And It Was Far Away, Oh God It Seems So Very Far

Objects In The Review Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are, Meat Loaf

Well my very early start turned out to be quite good really, working from 7 until 2 does give me a little more day to work with afterwards. Today I was on the Deli, which started out quite badly. The people there didn’t exactly give me clear instructions to begin with. For example if you tell me to put fresh bowls out I will, but I won’t transfer the contents of them from old bowl to new bowl unless you say so. Things picked up later, I got the hang of things like wrapping the pies and stuff, and using the scales. It’s good to learn something new.
I had dinner again with Richard and then we ran my errands, (which was mainly posting stuff), before wandering up to the park to look at the bunnies that live there. Except there aren’t any rabbits there anymore, they’ve been moved for some reason. He said they’d gone on holiday but I’m still miffed. We did have fun feeding some pigeons flapjack and squashed MilkyWay. It was hilarious, the speed they moved when you threw stuff was impressive. We spent along time watching them closely and deciding there was a security guard one who seemed intent on checking out my bag, one with UGG boots on (feathery feet), and a rather bossy one. Plus the slow one that always gets left behind and some pretty brown ones. As well as the odd inter-breed bird.

I’m feeling particularly lonely again. The only people I see are those I work with, and as much as Richard is lovely, he doesn’t quite fill the void. Yeah I know, I’ll make friends at uni, but that doesn’t help me in the mean time does it? I managed to plan something with Luke for Sunday only for him to blow me off, so that sucked ass. And whenever I try and suggest something to someone all I get is “I’m tired”. Well so am I. *grumbles.

I do apologise, I haven’t been sleeping too well. Herbal sleep pills it is for me tonight. It makes me terribly whiny when I don’t get enough sleep.

Put Your Heart In My Hands

I'd Lie For You, Meat Loaf

I thought I’d blogg before I start another hugely busy week. All I seem to do is work, but at least I’m being paid and it’s fun. We may have got our manager under control currently; he was being exceptionally nice to us all on Saturday, frightening but most likely the result of a bollocking, (to be blunt). We encouraged it, all of us were very helpful and worked much harder, it made sense to encourage it even further.
I’ve dealt with the massive amount of mail I seem to have received today. A replacement drivers license has been ordered, and my NUS card is renewed too. Various bank type forms have also been done. Then a million things have been filed. Now all I need to do is get the shredder out.
I should go really, I’m up at HALF FIVE tomorrow to do some overtime on the Counters department. Then I have lunch with Richard again, (*grins), then I’m coming home to sleep!
Ooooo and I finished Harry Potter. It was good. Now I’m reading Prisoner of Askaban again.

Turn The Radio On, To Some Sad Country Song. Those Guys What They Play, Know Just What To Say.

I’m the voice you never listen too,
And I had to break your heart to make you see,
That He’s the one who will be missing you,
And you’ll only miss the man that you wanted him to be
Shut Up and Drive, Chely Wright (Yep folks I'm back on the country!)

*potential spoiler if you haven’t read past Chapter 7 of Harry Potter but I assume everyone has.

Well today was an odd day. Odd in the sense it was neither a work day nor a day off. I wasn’t in till four, so got to wander down to Tesco with mum for odds and ends. I wore my maxi dress and managed to look like a gypsy reject. Not a bad look really, my dress is lovely, I’ve been watching it for weeks in ASDA waiting for a reduction, and it finally happened last weekend. It’s got a lovely old fashion print on it and looks lovely. *happy face. The trip also turned up Jess, who I had a lovely chat with. We arranged to meet for a brew next week sometime, and it was a relief to know that despite a lack of contact between us, we’re still friends. Liz also arrived just as I did, which left me feeling wound up and panicky for a long time, until I was sure she was gone really. The fact that still happens confirms leaving cleaning was not a mistake.

I have decided to try and build some bridges with some people. I messaged Luke on Facebook, and although he claims it’s my fault for not texting him it looks like we’ll be seeing each other eventually. I saw Jess which saved me a text, but I must do so later this week. Spoke to Chrish online, and again there are plans to meet for lunch at some point this week. There are two more people I would really like back in my life, but well, I don’t know what else to say there. They know who they are I guess.

Had my first review at work, which went rather well, well as well as can be expected with a manager who’s an idiot. He’s going to have a problem tomorrow, there is no one in for tomorrow. And none of us are willing to come in. I have plans, Richard is so peed off with the manager he won’t come in from his holiday, and they’ll be too afraid to ring Jimmy. Methinks something will be hitting the fan.

I finally started Harry Potter. I got very desperate for some relief from the stuff in my head last night and decided to give it a shot. It’s not as heavy going as Northanger Abbey, and with a faster moving plot so it was easier to force myself to focus. So I got an hours blessed relief from my thoughts aside from the bit where the think Mad Eye is dead…..*cries.

The Traffic In My Brain’s Driving Me Insane

The Getaway, Hilary Duff

I’ve had a better day today. Well I did once I got to work anyway. My manager was off, which was naturally meant a more relaxed atmosphere, especially seen as he seems to have taken a real dislike to me. What made it such an awesome day was Richard decided to come in to work. He’s booked the week off as a holiday, but we knew yesterday there would be loads of stuff, and it would need more than just me. He freely admitted at the end of the day he’d had far more fun at work with me than he would have done at home, AND we’d done a massive amount of work. We had an absolute ball. At one point we were just sat in the lift going up and down and up and down. All well and good till we were sat at the Ground floor and someone called the lift up to the First. It was hilarious! Then we spent about half an hour in the main delivery freezer sorting all the comps and stuff out, and boy was it cold. We lost the feeling in numerous places that there should be feeling, but it looked amazingly good once we’d done and we were so proud. I just wish either of us knew what happened to those apple turnovers that had been dumped in our freezer….I picked them up and slug them on our flatbed to return to the right departments damages later and they mysteriously vanished. Hmmm oddness indeed.

I’m off again tomorrow. One of my only days off this week, the only other is Tuesday. It sucks. I have nothing to do tomorrow beyond the usual family trip to ASDA. Work may sometimes be depressing and boring but its better than being sat in front of my laptop all day feeling lonely. I used to love my weekends, but now my days off are just, well empty. Yeah, get a hobby. I know. But that’s not people is it? Yeah I know, it’ll sort itself out come uni, but that is still 2 plus months off. Fact is, I can’t think of a single reason to actually get up tomorrow.

Oh, thanks to the brilliance of Helena the thing with the Halifax appears to be sorted. It was, as I suspected, spam, but I still emailed the Halifax to check, mainly because my Dad will whine if I don’t. With having my bank card stolen not so very long ago I’m pretty wary of stuff like that.

When I Got Last In Fantasies And Cartoon Lands Of Mysteries

Innocent Eyes, Delta Goodrem

Sooo I appear to have sorted out my Hours Issue at work. My manager was cruel enough to give me just 7 ½ hours next week. I stood my ground and yet again pestered for more hours but it wasn’t looking likely. Until I realised that my wage slip says I’m contracted for 15 hours work. Words with my manger followed. He seemed convinced that because I’m only Seasonal he didn’t have to give me the hours my contract says I’m entitled too. That seemed odd to me, surely a contract is a contract? He said he would find out. His sudden foul mood was later explained by his discovery that yes, if my contract says 15 hours he has to give me 15 hours.
He came back to me yesterday pretending to have found me loads next week. Guess how he found them? He discovered that one of the staff is off next week, he’d forgotten despite signing of for the holiday about 2 weeks ago. At least I have lots of hours next week.

Oh and get this. He said to one of my co-workers today he can’t stand Richard, (another frozen monkey), and me and think we’re both lazy and have no respect for him. Ok, if I was lazy I wouldn’t be happily coming in whenever the hell he likes and working my ass off. As for no respect for my manger? Well I don’t anymore. Not if he’s slagging me off to a co-worker. That is the height of unprofessional.

Today was my day off. To be completely honest there was actually no point in it at all, I may as well been at work. Mum literally yelled me out of bed for no good reason this morning and it quickly became apparent that my few friends were either working or had no interest in seeing me. I managed to do some work on my peacock design but nothing amazing. I just wasn’t in the mood for any of it. I mused over starting Harry Potter, but I find it impossible to focus on books these days, I can’t lose myself in a world of fantasy anymore. Hell, I used to love reading, don’t get me wrong, there’s a STACK of reading awards somewhere in my mums’ wardrobe. I just can’t seem to do it anymore. Harry Potter will come to Lancaster though, I’m sure it will be read then. This evening I feel I’ve had an argument with someone and well, am trying not to feel like all boys are just designed to mess with my head. They are probably not, but I don’t think I can deal so well with being jerked around. Being lead to believe one thing then having the carpet ripped out from under my feet.

On a good note, it appears I have managed to get myself a student account with NatWest, which is great as they offer a free 5 year railcard. I am a bit worried by the email I got from the Halifax saying they’d detected an attempt to access my online account .I don’t have any accounts with them….oooohh dear. Methinks a trip to the bank is needed.
Looking forward to work tomorrow. I have five hours with Richard, which should be a ball. It was the other day.

Spider Pig Spider Pig....

Apparently this is me as a Simpson.....funkydory!

The Unicorn; Why It Always Has A Headache

Henry titled tonights blogg. I don't at any point answer that question in my blogg.

Subtitled by Katie-Jane;
"Don't save me, don't save me because I don't care" Saviour, 30Seconds to Mars

Had a busy day today. I rang the student loans people to ask why my parents haven’t had their P60’s back, only to be told that was my local education authority’s job. At least SLC were really helpful and gave me Lancashire’s LEA number. Apparently there’s a 4-6 week backlog of papers and stuff so my parents can stop worrying.
Then I filled out the forms for my student account with the NatWest, and spent most of the day trying to find the letter from UCAS offering me my unconditional offer. In the end I gave up and sent the offer letter from Lancaster which is apparently just as good.
I also changed my tariff on Orange so I get 300 free texts whenever I top up by £10, which saves me changing to O2 to get the same deal. Means my Dad can’t moan that I won’t be one of his “magic numbers” anymore. He didn’t seem to understand that that doesn’t benefit me at all, but changing networks would. Anyway I have been saved a lot of trouble by the wonderful Katie-Jane who discovered Orange do the same deal.

Christine and Joanne came up today. We watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and picked the odd fault with it. We had plenty to catch up on and walked to Tesco so I could post my mail and we could get some fresh air. Joanne made friends with a random cat who seemed determined to come home with us a one point.
What was sad for me is watching Christine. She suffers from some illness with the word palsy in its name. it affects her nerves and muscles so they contract and kinda freak out causing her to twitch and her body to contort. She wasn’t supposed to develop it until her 40’s but a fall whilst at uni has brought it on. It’s awful watching someone you care for so much in that kind of pain and be so frustrated because when she’s in a spasm there’s nothing you can do. It’s hard to ignore but I’ve found it best to check if she needs anything or I can do anything then carry on as if she’s fine, which she seems to appreciate. My mum hadn’t until today witnessed it, so found it a little upsetting. It’s even worse because she’s had so much pain in her life; she was born with twisted hips/feey, and bullied into terrible depression when she moved away from where I live. And even her bloody girlfriend is a childish little cow. Well I just don’t think she good enough for my Christine but you know, I may be biased there…

Tomorrow is going to be interesting I think. My manager has got me on for only one day next week. Queue fireworks on my part when I found out, and lots of tears. Never mind one day doesn’t even cover my contracted hours but its just bloody ridiculous. I’ve spoken to my co-worker who’s in tomorrow and we have numerous plans of attack. One is he will drop some of his hours so I can take them, and if worst comes to worst we speak to the Union women as my contract won’t be met. You’d think my manager would be glad to have a hard working employee who WANTS to work. I know he’s being pressured as all the departments are to cut down hours but one day a week? Get serious mate!

Toll A Bell For The Brohen Hearted

Busy few days, mainly work and other stuff. I’ve seen Harry Potter twice, it is amazing. Much better than the book, mainly because Harry comes across not so much as a moody pain in the ass but more as someone with Lord V inside his head. I’m also totally in love with the dress sense some of the actresses have, that Luna Lovegood has got style!

I’ve continued the whole drawing thing. The actual knitting of the bag is progressing slowly, but it does look like we’ll need more wool than we first thought. Shoot. Anyway I seem to have cracked the difficult bit and got to grips with peacocks. Lookey;

Some days I feel so numb and empty

And those would be the good days for me

Nothing gets to me now

Unless I'm thinking of how

The future ain't what it used to be

Meat Loaf, The Future Ain't What It Used To Be

Just Let Me Live my Life…..Freak Out, Let It Go

Freak Out, Avril Lavigne

Huston we have wool!

I’ve spent forever over the last couple of weeks looking for wool to make a bag with. I saw one at the local craft fair and mum suggested rather than buy it I could make it myself. Apparently it would be cheaper. Well cheaper, no, the wool was about £4.50 a ball, and we bought 4, with the possibility we’ll need more, and we’ve got buses to about a million different places to get hold of the right wool. However we have it, it’s kind of slate grey/teal with yellow, orange, blue, purple, pink and red mixed it. It screams peacock at the inner artist. Mum and I started it this afternoon; it’ll be a joint project, easy for me because it’s just straight knitting and it’s looking good already.

In a bid to help myself, because yes people, believe it or not I am trying not to just sit here and fester, I got out my sketchbook and found some peacock pictures and have begun working on a stylised image to put on it. I haven’t done anything creative properly for a while, so I’m hoping to find some kind of peace of mind in all the development that is needed, and at last it will provide me with something more to focus on.

Being a frozen monkey is still fun. I’m having issues with the fact I’m getting far fewer hours than I was hoping for but I’ve been advised by a co-worker to keep pushing and pestering for them. It’s still more money than cleaning, but I’m after more. Hopefully my manager will get the message soon. See I’m even standing up for myself.

Held Up So High, On Such A Breakable Thread

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

Happy Ending, Avril Lavigne

I saw this and thought of you....

Just a quickie to say I'm still alive and well. ASDA is still funish, especaially when it's just me and Richard wokring a shift. The sweetie cancelled his holidays for the SECOND time after he was double booked AGAIN by the idiot manager, just so I wouldn' t be left alone in charge of vas amounts of frozen foods.

In breif, my life outside of work has consisted of going to Manchester shopping with Nickers, who behaved himself whilst I bought knickers in Primark. He even behaved in the long que at the tills purely because I got chatting to a girl in front and between us we kept him inline. Girl power!
I've also seen the ever lovely Katie-Jane for brews and munchies, which as always produces a random assortment of random comments.
Jess called up today to give me my Avon. I'm releived and enhopeendeded because she gave me another brochure so she cant be planning on losing touch altogtether. I guess we shall see, but it was nice to chat even if it was for only 10 mins.

My room is also experiencing the start of The Grand Sort Out I meant to have last year prior to uni. Only the beginning but I'm hopin gto do a little every now and again then I don't get bored. Oddly enough the prospect of going out to see Nickers and Katie-Jane yesterday and not being allowed out untill all my shopping bags from the last few weeks had been cleared away meant I did about 40 minuets solid work. I wasnt allowed out to play otherwise. My mum NEVER used that threat when I was younger!

Anyhooo the whole point of this blogg, other than to say I'm still alive, was this photo which I took after having lunch with Mum and Nana in a place called Damm House in Astley, (not far from Salford Manchester). Can you guess who it made me think of?

Naked

Naked, Avril Lavigne

Well yes a long blogg absence has been had. I do apologise. In brief, I started at ASDA last Wednesday, spent 2 days on an induction with a group of wonderfully lovely people, most of whom were at my group interview. The girl who is going to Lancaster, Emily got a job, as did all of the other lovely people. The induction was lots of fun, if a little brain washing. I can now tell you a disturbing amount about ASDA’s rather American policy of caring for the customer, but at least a huge amount stuck.
Friday and Saturday was spent training for Q Busting, in other words, learning how to use the tills for when it’s busy and I’m needed. Tell you what I loved hearing my name over the speakers the other day! I should explain at this point I’m not a till girl anymore, they shuffled us all around on the induction days and put me in Grocery.
It probably seems a bit early to be fussy, but I’m hoping to transfer back to the checkouts. Grocery is ok, but I prefer being on the tills. Bizarre considering the 9-5.30 shift I pulled on Saturday was exhausting, but I love the customer interaction. Playing peekaboo with the three year old over my till was the highlight of my day! But I enjoy it, and the woman who’s in charge of the tills thought I was brilliant. There’s a couple of BIG disadvantages to be being in the Grocery department. I mainly work in the freezer section and due to my size I CANNOT move the comps full of frozen food. And whoever built the ramp UP to the frozen food storage unit needs their head read. Neways I’m going to looks into moving to checkouts cause well, I can give so much more to ASDA if I’m on the tills.

In other news Luke randomly started talking to me last night. I’m not too sure what to do over it, I was very brief with him. I didn’t realise how much he’d hurt me until last night. I can forgive, that’s not an issue, it’s more, well, forgetting. It didn’t help that he only seemed interested in finding out if there were anymore jobs at ASDA.

I’ve seen Katie-Jane and Nick a couple of times, in particular last night which was fun. Although me falling apart didn’t help matters. I suck sometimes. But its like, well, this;

I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside
This life is like a game sometimes

It’s The Memory I Can See, Then This Fear Comes Over Me

Understand that I don’t mean to push you away from me
Afraid, Vanessa Hudgens

Busy couple of days, it’s my mum’s birthday today so yesterday I went out and got her present. Today we went out with her friend for lunch, which was hilarious as her friend seems to appreciate my sense of humour. We discovered a plant, which was unbelievably weird and thanks to some dodgy translations on it label seemed to be called the “sexy plant”. We bought it with the plan that, as long as it can survive the summer it will head off with me to Lancaster.

Tomorrow is my first day at ASDA. I’m a little excited and not all that nervous but I know it couldn’t have come at a better. I’ve realised that no matter how hard I work at school I will never get the recognition I deserve for the work I do. I’m getting very sick of nasty snippy comments from Marj. After more today I’m very glad there’s only one day left. I know I’m not the only one sick of her comments or the fact she doesn’t do any actual work. Ah well, checkouts here I come.

Beep…..beep…….beep……..beep

If Lonely Was My Only Trouble I’d Find Someone New. The Trouble With Me Is You.

The Trouble With Me, Crystal Gayle

Right before I get addicted to Facebooks newest application that involves training up fighting bunnies, which is waaaay too much like Pokemon , which explains my addiction to it, well where was I ……oh yes a blogg.

Well this weekend is the same as most. We went shopping yesterday morning, which got cut short when my idiot sister rang to say she’d locked herself out of the house. Once I’d grumbled enough I reminded my parents not to yell too much when they got back because she’d probably got upset enough alone and punished herself effectively. Well that’s what I would have done if it were me.
And you know what? She didn’t get told off, just a few “You silly girl” comments and told she’s not being left home alone for a couple of weeks. Huh. Now I KNOW if it were me I’d have gotten, well, a bollocking. *huffs

Today I was supposed to have a last girlie shopping trip with Zena, but she cancelled late last night. Given she’s going to Ghana on Thursday I can’t begrudge her seeing her granddad or having millions of jobs to do. Yeah I was disappointed but my bank balance breathed a sigh of relief.

Speaking of, has anyone else noticed that when your bank balance nears the £500 or £1000 it just refused to go over the marker? My account is stubbornly teetering around £500. It just won’t go past it and STAY past it. Damn retail therapy which doesn’t even bloody work. My account will get a shock when I get my first ASDA wage AND my last cleaning wage paid in in the same month. I defy it to resist then. *laughs evilly whilst trying not to tempt fate.

I’ve done a little research into my new job. Mainly bus times and fares. I’ve been anxious about being given a very early shift, purely cause I’m reliant on the bus to get there. Thankfully there’s one at 7.12am, and the earliest I said I could start is 7.30am. Which type of weekly ticket I may need will depend on how often/early I’m in. Any more that four days a week and it will be worth a weekly rover.

I Know This Must Seem So Desperate, But Desperate’s What I’ve Become

Physic, Vanessa Hugdens

Oh there was a rather large bumble bee bashing itself on my window just then. I’d let it in only I have issues with things that sting and have wings.

Neways I handed my notice in at Cleaning, I finish next Friday, the 29th, and have proper induction days at ASDA the 27th/28th. They kindly sent me an information pack today, which is useful cause I now know my hourly pay and stuff like that. Less useful is asking me to ring to confirm I will be attending the induction days and not including the stores number.
It didn’t feel so sad to hand in my notice at work, but one of the girls I’ve gotten really friendly with, Megan, looked heartbroken when I told her. Yeah she was glad for me, but she was sad, I’m not the only one who cleans the sixth form block that’s going, and I know what she feels like. When I finished for uni last year I wasn’t the first to go and the atmosphere changes. I plan to enjoy the next few days with Megan, Millie and Mel, because they rock so hard.

My friend Zena is back, and as she’s not only spending the summer building schools in Ghana but is going on a year long exchange in Detroit I quickly planned a girlie days yesterday with her. Jess also came, and because I am not about to actively exclude someone, I told Jess to invite Liz. Who came. So I spent most of the day wound up, nervous and on edge. Perhaps not ideal, but I met Zena for a brew before we met the others, so I got to explain things with Liz to her as well as I could without making excuses for my behaviour or making her chose sides. She was perhaps the most understanding and supportive of all my friends from my old social group, and was pretty annoyed at Liz for dumping me. We also got to giggle a lot with each other, as a pairing thing happened with Liz and Jess and me and Zena, so I was very happy and giggly with Zena. I’m really upset she’ll be away so much this summer, which can’t be helped and I seriously don’t begrudge it her. Just really gonna miss her, especially when I know how supportive she is. She goes away next Thursday so I’m hoping to see her this weekend and maybe again next week.

I’ve also seen Katie-Jane for lunch on Monday, (I think it was), which was fun. Lots of giggles but also a lot of deeper conversations, and the conclusion that Rawtenstall needs something more than 2 supermarkets.*looks proud that she knows how many customers and the weekly profit of the ASDA there.

On a sadder note Luke is home, has been since last Thursday/Friday. It isn’t looking good for our friendship. He hasn’t been in touch, whilst inviting Jess and Liz round Saturday night and last night before his brief trip to New York. Like I said, it isn’t looking good for our friendship. I mean I’m not writing it off just yet, but it isn’t looking good.

Time Washes Clean, Loves Wounds Unseen....

......Sounds like good advice but I don't know what it means......

Long Long Time, Mindy Mcreedy

Time......

.......................doesn't always help. It doesnt always heal. Sometimes something more is needed to fix the broken and to heal their wounds.

Happy To Help

Well as of today I am officially an employee of ASDA. I’ve got a job on checkouts, which will probably be ridiculously boring but it’s gotta be better than cleaning. I start in a couple of weeks. I got a really good vibe when I went to the interview, it was literally the most fun I’ve had all week* and I met a girl who’s not only going to Lancaster next year but has applied to the same accommodation as me. She was lovely. so fingers crossed.

In other news I have sent off my accommodation choices for uni, which was kinda sad seen as I’d always figured Katie would help me pick them and offer advice and stuff but well…..anyway it will either be Cartmel or County next year. Also sent off my student loan stuff, so that should in theory be all sorted now. I also sent off a nice little letter to the DVLA trying to get me a new driving license seen as I have no form of ID if by some miracle I ended up going out** and this evening I went to give blood for the third time. This time went better than last time, after which I nearly fainted and spent the evening very unwell. I did not intend to let it stop me, as long as they say I can donate its worth possibly feeling rubbish for a while because my blood type in the universal donor and very useful.

*yes my life is that tragic
**very very unlikely given I gave no social group anymore and the people I used to go out with I can’t which is horrible because I had a huge amount of fun with them all.

Where Do I Belong?

Anastasia

Life doesn't promise a bed of roses
Or white knights
Fields of emotions
I'm trapped in darkness
Why me
Save me

To win this twisted war inside me Won't justify the pain
Life doesn't promise a bed of roses

Lightening strikes the pages keep on turning
Help me to be strong
I'm floating in a sea of strange believers
Where do I belong?

I ran into Jess and Liz at Tesco today, at the self service tills. I managed to catch Jesses eye and say hi, despite Liz freezing me out and practically blocking Jesses view of me. We said hi and then they walked off. Literally that was it.
And I realised that’s it, that’s how my entire summer is going to go. Either being completely excluded like I was today, or the two of us being somewhere with others and the tension and in competition to talk to people. Whether they like it or not, people have to choose sides, even if it’s flexible and temporary, they still will and have to. Social occasions will deem it necessary.
It also hit me that I don’t belong to any social group anymore. Liz no longer wants anything to do with me and Luke’s pretty much made it clear he’s on her side. Jess went shopping with Liz today but never even bothers to ask me for a brew or something. I saw Chrish in ASDA on Sunday, and the conversation was brief, I walked off to get my dip and thought she’d follow but she didn’t. Zena will be in Ghana for the summer. Jess Milly is working and hasn’t bothered to see me at all which wasn’t likely. To be blunt, I just don’t have a proper social group. I have friends like Katie-Jane and Nick but I have no actual place where I belong.

I have a job interview on Thursday with ASDA. I don’t know if I want it really, but the money would be useful. If I get it I can see me working all summer because I have sod all else to do and anything would be better than remembering how wonderful last summer was compared this. On the other hand I work at ASDA and I will see even less of Jess, because I barely see her now.

I just……

………..want to go back in time. So badly.

But at least I found my passport for the job interview. It’s been missing for about 7 months now.

Na na na na na nanana STUDBUG!

Errr, that was supposed to be to the tune of Batman!

Soo the weekend was better than most. I went shopping with the family Saturday morning, then to the local craft fair which is on. Bought a very pretty gold ring. It looks like a lot of little flowers and leaves all twisted together. I’m amazed someone made it in my size as I’ve got rather small fingers!
I went to Katie-Janes in the afternoon. We went for a picnic with Kim and her boyfriend Pete, which was hilarious. Katie suggested we went to the field with tall grass so we could roll a place. Sounded like a good idea, unfortunately the grass was taller than me! So rolling a spot was more like throw the blanket down and hurl yourself on it. We destroyed whole little buggy worlds!
Several more interesting discoveries were made whilst picnicking. One is that Hot Cross Buns are pretty yummy when dipped in sour cream and chive dip. That was Kim’s discovery. Mine was a pair of fornicating bugs on a plant near me. And my, those bugs were sure going for it. They were still at it nearly 45mins later when we left! Defiantly the StudBug of the Bug world.

Oh yeah and the grass attacked me alllll day and gave me some of the biggest sneezing fits ever!

Neways after the picnic and a very long walk we retired to Katie-Janes to bed down and watch American Beauty, (which is pretty weird), and Team America, (which is pretty crap). Unfortunately so much outsideness and walking made us tired so we fell asleep really quickly hehe. But it was a lovely time, and I was so glad to be with nice people.

And I would blogg more but the chance to play games is too big a lure.

You’re Charlie but without the H!

I should blogg. I haven’t for aaaaaages because I suck.

So, right, well what’ve I been up to in a nutshell? Well last Friday I went for lunch and shopping with Katie-Jane, Kim, and Katie-Jane’s brother and sister. It was very amusing, especially as Kim and I came up with a very interesting theory and totally rearrange the theory of evolution. It went something like this;

Jam was around when the dinosaurs were. What else would the Triceratops put on their leaves other than jam. Jam and toast, leaves and toast, not a big jump.
Ketchup was also around with the dinosaurs because T.Rex’s kinda need something to go with that slab of Triceratops.
Predating those was Tar-tar sauce, which or course appeared at the same time as that fishy primordial soup we crawled out of.

The weekend was less good, mainly because we went to see my Nana on Saturday who decided to spend a good chunk of the day telling me I’m fat or words to that effect. Thank a bunch. And yes she DOES know she’s accusing me of being fat. As if I didn’t have enough issues with my weight and food and stuff.

Earlier this week I went for dinner with Katie-Jane, which was good because it gave us a chance to talk. I like that, someone who understands so completely. *hugs to Katie-Jane.

I was supposed to be going out tonight with Adam but thankfully he had to cancel. I didn’t particularly feel like being groped at or whatever.

Alistair is the Bestest too!

I was already planning on making that my title but it’s defiantly it after Ali made me this;

Isn’t it cool? Mann I love happy hippos! Happy Hippies don't look so edible though...

Not much has been done today other than me falling in love with the most gorgeous necklace in our local clock and watch shop. It’s seriously nice and methinks I shall use some of my hard earned wage on it tomorrow.

I haven’t done any revision today, which I should have but meh, like it matters. I just haven’t been in the mood. I’m still bruising from being dumped again. My Dad got my cameras memory card developed today. I haven’t looked at the photos, I don’t really want to look at memories of when I was so ridiculously happy. I figured in the future I might but right now I can stick a knife in some other way.

Neways I’m looking forward to seeing Katie-Jane tomorrow for lunch, have been all week. Not only is it contact with a very friendly face but it’s someone who has rapidly become on of my closest confidents. I’m so very grateful for her presence in my life.

Katie-Jane is the Bestest!

Today has been rather busy. Mum, Katie and I all tootled off to Tesco this morning and had a brunch type thing followed by shopping during which more happy hippos were purchased. Yummy!

After finally managing to have all portions of fruit and veg necessary before dinner I was feeling quite proud of myself. That’s right I had FIVE Froots and Veegg. I’ve been trying to eat healthier in preparation for uni etcetera etcetera so I decided to help mum wash the kitchen walls down. They need doing given that’s the only room of the house my dad is allowed to smoke in. Mum wants to paint it, which is perfectly possible between the 2 of us once exams have finished.

Once I’d recovered from the exhausting wall washing I tackled some more revision notes, and I’m pleased to say I’ve done all the ones I need for Module 2 and made a small start into Module 3 this evening.

Oh yes, one last thing. To the person who left the following anonymous comment on my blogg last night, (honestly have the decency to put your name if you’re commenting or please keep your opinion to yourself, anyway that wasn’t what I was going to say), well here’s the comment in case it mysteriously vanishes;

There's a big difference between 'dumping' a friendship and ending one for the right reasons.

Hmmm, personally the only reason for ending a friendship in my view would be when they say, oh I don’t know, kill you’re mum or gossip maliciously behind your back or deliberately do something to hurt you repeatedly. Maybe I find this so hard to understand because I would never dump a friend. And yes to Miss/Mr Anonymous, I have been dumped, because I have done NOTHING to deserve this, especially when everyday is a fight which I lose everyday. Frankly it’s no better than things with Liz. I spent roughly 2 hours crying last night. No guilt trip intended, just thought I’d be honest.

Thank you for the lovely compliments, and *hugs to Katie-Jane, I love you too honey!

I'm late, I'm late! For a very important date! No time to say hello goodbye I'm late I'm late I'm late!

Soooo what’s happened since Saturday?
Well I met Jess for a brew on Sunday which was brilliant. I’ve missed her and enjoyed it so much. We had a lovely chat and giggle, as well as a mooch and joint exchange of the wonders of avon.

I went to see my grandparents yesterday, which was also nice. They like me to look all girly, and as I didn’t need to do anyway walking I decided to wear one of my new dresses from Primark. I put it all on and everything then realised, hang on….I look like Alice In Wonderland! See what you think guys.

I guess the only other thing to say is I got dumped by yet another friend tonight. And no, I’m not ok. Why do people keep dumping me?

Oh crap I hope not!

That was Mr Blands reaction to learning our lesson on Wednesday was our last with him before the exams. I informed him of that fact, and he explained in horror “Oh CRAP I hope not” before running off to get his planner and check.
It didn’t get any more reassuring when he came back five minuets later and walked from the door to the desk saying “Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit”
Thankfully I know he has more faith in us than that makes it seem. But it didn’t do our confidence much good! Hehe it was amusing though, I’ve never heard Mr Bland swear.

Update on the whole police thingy. The dude appeared in court on Wednesday and pleaded guilty to theft, (he’d have to be seriously lacking a brain not to!), and has to pay the court costs, compensation to me, (not holding my breath), and have a curfew. Which pretty much means it’s all over. I’ve filled the claim form out and sent it back and that’s about it.

Hopefully I’ll be seeing Jess tomorrow. She got back Thursday and was in work Friday but I didn’t really get to speak to her beyond a hello. I’m looking forward to seeing her.

Oo Eee Oo Ah Aha Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang

Witchdoctor, The Cartoons

I suppose I should blogg.

Well the JaneMeet was brilliant, lots of sugar was consumed by me which produced an incredibly hyper mood. It was so lovely to see everyone again, and of course meet Jane, Simon, Helena and her offspring, (Jess is so cute, she kissed me goodbye!!!!, and omigod Emma’s hair is like a force of nature!). Jane was lovely enough to bring us presents from Merkinland, I now have some yummy Double Stuff Oreos to munch on, thank you so much! Ned and Jan surprised me as well by giving me a box of Disney Princess cereal. Ned and I had discussed this weeks ago, and I’d forgotten all about it, so oh wow it was such a surprise! Thank you as well guys!
I also did my first ever geocache with Katie-Jane, Nick and Ali. Although it would help if Nick wasn’t such an idiot and put the coordinates in right but it was funny running around in the wrong places especially as those places lead Nick into the middle of a thorny bush! Heheheheh
I had even more fun on the way down with Katie-Jane, we managed to get very very giggly over lord knows what but I do remember and incident with Chamomile tea or should I say CHAM-omile tea.

In other news my ipod and a few of my cards have been recovered and the thief has appeared in court. I’m very pleased my ipod’s back and in what appears to be fully working order. See, that’s why I try and believe the best in people. Thanks to the hard work of the police justice has pretty much been done.

*insert Farthing Wood theme tune here

So rather than tell you about my second Chemicals mock I thought I’d tell you about the random thought pattern that I had this morning involving a magpie. I saw one on the way home today, and came to the conclusion on observing it that they were very pretty little birds, and eventually remember to ask how it and its mate were.

That got me to thinking, magpies were, if my memory serves, never in Farthing Wood, (although admittedly I remember the cartoon much better than the books). There were rooks; they featured in the episode where the Pheasants are killed. Mrs Pheasant meets her end when she’s returning from covering look out. Her husband was supposed to be doing it but she didn’t want to wake the lazy bird. So she got shot by the farmer who’s barn the others were hiding in. This did mean the other animals had time to do a runner though.
Pheasant himself also got shot when he went back to the farm to find Adder, who got left behind. He’s so distraught when he sees his plucked and cooked wife he doesn’t see the farmer. Which was the end of the pheasants.

Then I started thinking about the poor hedgehogs who were killed a few episodes before that. Mr Hedgehog freezes up whilst crossing a road and Mrs Hedgehog is far too nice and loyal so stays with him. *cries. And they get run over.

I realised I’m probably a lot like Mrs Hedgehog and Mrs Pheasant. Loyal to the point of stupidity and a total doormat. Ah well, the world needs doormats I suppose.

I miss Farthing Wood, I have every single issue of the magazine somewhere. It was so good! Hehe

You're Killing Me, Killing Me, All I Wanted Was You

30 Seconds From Mars, The Kill
Tonights blogg was titled for you by Katie-Jane because I’m lazy. Ta honey!

I suppose I should blogg. The last few days I’ve been going by the “if you can’t blogg anything nice don’t blogg at all” which seems to work well for everyone else.

I’ve been out for dinner with Katie-Jane which was a nice distraction from everything else. We had a good mooch and chat about the randomness of life and the universe. It was fun, and I am very much grateful for a friendly face in the valley.

Jess goes away for a week tomorrow, and I’m going to miss her so much. I savour the brief time we get together during work. Oh dear, Liz’s icy stares scare me……

I got a U on the mock for the easy module of Chemicals. Tomorrow is the hard mock. I haven’t really revised, mainly because there’s an element of futility to it but also because I’ve been attempting to do some more art. Apparently that’s due in tomorrow. S***. I have hammered some topics last night with question booklets so I guess I know a bit. Not enough to pass.

The police came and took a proper official statement today, and also went to get one from Jess. I’m aware I haven’t explained all the details to everyone yet, I’ll try and get round to it tomorrow. The police seem to have a fairly good idea of who it is, mainly because he has a tattoo on the side of his head.

Advanced warning of Bad Mood.

My bag got stolen at work today. I've lost my purse and my ipod. The irony, I cancelled my card within about 20mins of it vanishing, and there was no cash in it. My ipod was worth the most.

Currently in shock.

And wondering why I'm such a gullible idiot.

*will explain later

Gary Barlow IS fat but he wouldn’t bounce.

And thank you Katie for that hilarious gem.

Just thought I’d cobble together a blogg so people know it’s still in existence. The reason for the move was simple, Liz read my blogg and decided it was a much of lies. Err yes, because she hasn’t started ignoring me we both know I didn’t make that up. She seemed to take issue as well with the comments left by everyone, although no one was nasty about her, and everyone was lovely and supportive. Anyway now she can’t read it because it’s been moved. She had the nerve to post a bulletin on myspace and facebook ordering everyone to read it, but as that web address no longer exists those links don’t work. *smiles evilly

It was perhaps wise, especially given she had a screaming go at me yesterday after work, demanding to know how dare I say she wasn’t entitled to see Luke and that who was I to dictate his whole weekend should be around me and how dare I guilt trip her by saying I was depressed. I don’t ever recall saying she wasn’t entitled to see Luke nor did I expect him to plan his weekend around me. What I did expect was some time with him, given he’s supposed to be one of my best friends. It’s the same as I expect to see my other friends when they come home, unless I know they have a hugely busy time planned.
Anyway I spent a horrible 5 minuets trying to escape her anger, there was no point in talking to her because all she wanted to do was scream at me and tell me how pathetic I am. I’ve been told by someone else that she doesn’t believe my GP’s diagnosis of depression.
Maybe she’s one of those people who don’t view mental illnesses like depression as real illnesses because you can’t see them. I don’t really know, all I can do is avoid her as best I can which is sad but necessary.

In other lighter news, I blew up a bottle in Chem today, intentionally. Mr Bland scaled up a Royal Society of Chemists experiment that involves filling a bottle with oxygen and methane and using a lit taper sending it blasting off into the air. He tried a litre bottle instead of a 500ml one and wow was it good. So funny as well.
Saw Katie this evening, we went for a little drive which helped cheer me up. After The Screaming yesterday seeing a friendly face made all the difference. As did seeing Jess briefly during work and getting to have her to myself for a few minutes for a girly giggle over something.
Tomorrow I see the doctor and Meat Loaf so there may be no blogg. OOOO Meat!!!

This Is When I Start To Bite My Nails, Clean My Room When All Else fails

He Wasn’t, Avril Lavigne

So Luke never got in touch. I didn’t text him because I didn’t fancy spending the whole day watching the phone. I did anyway, in the vain hope he’d get in touch. A sixth sense told me he wasn’t going to anyway. Yah I could have called him, but I didn’t fancy being rejected over the phone or being a pain in the ass and pestering.

I wanted to have a Big Adventure today, but my parents don’t really do Bank Holidays. I can understand why, but I just wanted to do something. I had high hopes for this weekend but it’s been such a flop.
In the end we went to Tesco, which wasn’t quite what I had in mind but I guess it was something. I found a lovely black pinafore dress with a bright pink t-shirt underneath. It was in the kids section but the 13-14 year olds fit me perfectly and doesn’t look half bad. Kinda made me feel a little better for a little while, but I shouldn’t be spending really.

Spent the afternoon working on my prep for art, and I’ve managed to cobble something that looks remotely like a project. It helped to take my mind of things. Just not very well.

Katie-Jane managed to capture a lot of what I feel or want to say in her most recent blogg entry. Her link is on my sidebar, with the blogg links. It’s comforting to know someone knows exactly how you’re feeling.

Sit On The Bed Alone, Staring At The Phone

He Wasn’t, Avril Lavigne

I seem to recall saying something last week about the possibility of being at a party this weekend. Luke’s come home, plus 2 uni friends, for his dads birthday party tonight. His mum made a loose invite to Liz and me last time we were round, and as they operate under a “more the merrier” thing my presence wouldn’t really be a problem.

The prospect of seeing Luke, whether I went to his party or not, has kept me going the last couple of weeks. I’ve been looking forward to it lots.

Unfortunately the only contact I’ve had has been him replying to my text yesterday saying he was busy all day. And he didn’t even reply today. I pretty much know I’m not going to see him. Sure I could ring him and stomp my feet and be demanding but I don’t see why I should have to. Surely he should want to see me, and be able to make a couple of hours for me. He’ll have made time for Liz, that’s a dead cert.

Oh well, maybe I’ll just stay in bed tomorrow.

Is That Too Much That I'm Askin' For?

Too Much To Ask, Avril Lavigne

So I got some Chemicals coursework done today, I stayed behind for an hour after class to finish that very stressful coursework. Dr Spinx was lovely and practically held my hand, and I realised the calculations that we needed were mostly from module one, which explains why they got me all confuddled. It’s all done now though, hopefully that means I’ll get a decent grade on one of the three modules.

I also found out why Liz hasn’t been speaking to me for the last week. There seem to be 2 reasons really, the first being that I grassed up one of the cleaners last week when he came in a told the bosses a total lie. There seems to have been some corruption of what I actually said to Marj and Linda, and they seem to have actually told Liz what I’d said to them, (frankly that in itself strikes me as totally unprofessional on M&L’s part). Second seems to be my apparent “pathetic poor me” act. Now I’ve made a real effort to be ok around Jess and Liz, although last Thursday I was a little down and quiet but I was anxious about the doctors, and they did know I was going although not what for.

I haven’t told Liz or Jess that I’ve been diagnosed with depression or that I’m on pills for it. Liz vanished offline shortly after the poor me stuff was mentioned so I decided that maybe it would explain thing more to her if I shared some of that. I text her, (yes I know not the best method of conversation but the least confrontational), and told her that it wasn’t an act, that I am actually depressed but getting help for it and she could either support me or not.

She didn’t speak to me when I walked into work 45 minuets later, so I guess you can see which action she’s taking there.

I want to be her friend, even if it feels like the one time I need something from our friendship she won’t give it. I’ve been there for her, so it seems only fair. But it also feels increasingly like I’m not allowed to be unhappy, you know, I’ve always got to be ok so I can be there to help her or others when they need it. I never used to mind that, I like looking after people and caring about them, but right now whilst I can still do that I need some looking after myself. Am I really asking an awful lot here?

And you wonder why I shared something with you that no one else knows Nick. You seemed so surprised, but with friends like Liz floating around here do you blame me for keeping my feelings close to my chest now?

On a much light happificated note, lookey here little trundles! They’re almost as cute as bunnies. Except you can see their erm thingies.

http://fishki.net/comment.php?id=20744

Oh It’s Cold And Lonely In The Deep Dark Night

Paradise By The Dashboard Light, Meat Loaf

I’m back! Did anyone miss me?

So I have returned from my trip to see Katie in Lancaster. There was one bunny sighting, only one, but that’d still a rabbit. Hopefully they will get very busy between now and next year and make me lots of baby bunny play mates.

I’m all sleepy now, but I had lots of fun in Lancaster with the luffly Katie and at the Cheese Club later. The cheese club is great; they played MEAT LOAF much to my delight, (and Katie’s horror). I actually got to dance and sing my heart out to Paradise By The Dashboard Light. So cool! I actually dragged Katie onto the dance floor, she wasn’t too impressed. (Sorry honey).
I also got to meet Crazy Nick, who isn’t so crazy but very nice. So glad he’ll be on campus next year so I will have a friend. He didn’t seem too freaked out by a rather hyper me, half an Easter egg soon goes to your head!

Someone Ripped My Heart Out And Left Me Here To Bleed

Anything But Ordinary, Avril Lavigne. Errr I changed those just a tad, but that fits better.

So today involved Chemicals, a brew and Tesco shop and watching the last episodes of Cheer Series Five, which ends when Diane Chambers bums off to write some book and as far as I know doesn’t come back. Which means when I get Series Six I get to my favourite episodes with Kirsty Alley Rebecca who was far less annoying than Shelly Longs Diane.

I was very excited at work when I was told I would be doing Corridor 2. This being a patch in the Broadway building of the school, and one of the few, possibly the only one I have not done. I really wanted to do it, so I stood there squeaking with delight. My bosses took a sudden and odd dislike to my happiness and decided I was to do 2 hours of detail instead. I was rather devastated.
Now detail, for the non cleaners, involves a bucket of water and a cloth and wiping/spraying/cleaning stuff like walls and ledges around the school. I wear gloves for this because sticking my hands in a bucket of water for 2 hours is horrible. However my eczema has been very bad recently, and that is located on my hands. After about 10 minuets in the gloves, (which quickly become damp inside), my hands were starting to sting. This progressed to pain followed by agony by the end of the 2 hours. I found as many reasons to take my gloves off and waft my hands about as possible. Unfortunately as soon as they were out the gloves they began to itch. Which posed the next dilemma, how do I not scratch? Rubbing my hands on my jeans roughly seemed to be the best way.
So now I can’t bend my fingers, so I can’t hold a pen. Buggar.

I’m off to Lancaster for the night tomorrow, so I shall see you on Thursday.

I Miss You, Miss You So Bad, I Don’t Forget You, Oh It’s So Sad

Slipped Away, Avril Lavigne

Well my art exam is all done now. That just leaves the prep to do, and Module 2 to somehow finish. Err yeah I don’t think that’s gonna happen somehow. At least I’ve done the worst bit, sitting in a classroom with 3 strange boys, who I decided from their conversations were actually mostly a bunch of jerks. The final piece came together better than I thought it would, but it’s all a far cry from how my work used to be.

Jess is apparently my friend, she didn’t reply due to no battery, so at least I have one friend in the valley. We had a good giggle during work and a deep discussion of Neighbours. I haven’t seen Liz and she hasn’t been online so I don’t know what’s going on there at all yet.

Wednesday I’m taking a trip to Lancaster to visit Katie. We’re going to go out to Le Cheese Club and have some girly fun.

Right now I’m rather worried about a few of my friends. For privacy reason I’m not going into the details of one. The other one would be Adam. He’s had a pretty rough time recently; his granny ended up in hospital, he’s pretty sure he’s on the wrong uni course and his grandad died last Friday. He told me today he thinks he’s depressed, (don’t I know the feeling) which is kinda understandable. There is only so much you can do over the internet. *frets and focuses on other peoples more important problems.

Better than missing everything about someone you can’t even see or talk to.

You’ll Never Know How Much I Miss You

You’ll Never Know, Mindy McCready

A surprise trip out with Katie was on the cards today. Well it wasn’t a surprise for me, we planned to do her Tesco shop together when I knew she was coming home, but her parents didn’t know. It was lovely to see her for an hour or so, we had an amusing time as always in Tesco and she was wrapped when I gave her the Thornton’s Pink Pigs I’d bought her as a surprise present. He he so worth it to see her face light up.

I’m nowhere near ready for my art exam tomorrow. I discovered the picture I was supposed to use looks pretty rubbish once I’d printed it from Google Earth. The thought of being trapped in the classroom all day when I just want to disappear is frightening for me right now.

It’s pretty obvious Liz isn’t speaking to me, and I haven’t had a reply from Jess. I text her trying to find out what I’ve done wrong and if she was my friend. I guess that’s a no then……..

That brings the number of people I have here at home down to zero.

I bought a 150g bar of Milkybar chocolate this morning and a 100g bar of those Cabury Melt thingies Jenny recommended. It’s all gone now. Guess that suggests how I’m feeling.
It all hurts so much. I miss…..well things, so much.

I Bought A New Red Dress To Lift My Spirits Up, Just Like You Did Honey It Cost Me Way Too Much

You’ll Never Know, Mindy McCready

Today has mostly been about dresses. There’s a possibility I’ll be at a party next weekend so I decided to have a poke around for something pretty. I managed to find a gorgeous one in New Look. One of these black 60’s box style dresses. With a belt worn very high up it looks pretty darn good on me. And this will make you laugh, it’s from the maternity section!

I spent the afternoon helping my mum figure out what to wear when she went out this evening, and in the process we discovered a couple of other lovely dresses my mums made over the years but no longer fit her. I spotted this lovely looking navy fabric with bright blue print on it, inside out in her wardrobe and my inquiry revealed a pretty pinafore dress. Add a belt in the right place to give it some shape, (it was made when boxy styles were fashionable, but I’m far too fond of my waist for them), and it looks stunning on me. We also discovered another dress, this time a longer summer one in a small red and white flower print that was all fluty and swirly at the bottom. That looked just as good on me. I’m very please. I’ve gained three lovely dresses, (one of them the essential Little Black Dress), and only spent £7. (Give or take a blouse and 2 belts…….)

It was nice to briefly feel attractive. Pity it didn’t last. I looked so good, when I checked myself out in the mirror. Unfortunately my first thought, was something along the lines of, wow, wait till Dom sees this, he’ll love it. I hate not having a reason to dress up, make that little extra effort for someone I love. Yeah you can argue I could do it for my own benefit, I do everyday, but it just isn’t the same. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore, so I'll go hide in my bed again.

You Bleed Just To Know You're Alive Part 2

If it couldn’t get worse it managed it. It would appear Liz isn’t speaking to me. Yeah I don’t exactly know what I’ve done aside from apparently been a horrible person who deserves dumping randomly. Or something like that. Ok so I’m probably a little irritable, but that’s both the pills and the depression talking. Ok so I’ve been kinda quiet this week, it’s been incredibly difficult. But I can’t think of anything that warrants being ignored and cold shouldered.

I feel even worse than I did yesterday. I feel like crap. Why would anyone want to be my friend or love me when I’m like this?

Oh and, just a note. Because I’m feeling mad and attacked. Yeah my bloggs got all depressing again. But I’d like to point out I have no diary anymore, I have no means of venting. If I don’t get it out then I will crack up. So I blogg. If it’s too heavy for people, then please don’t read it. You have your own problems, stick with them and don’t worry about me. If you think this blogg is depressing you have no idea what is actually going on in my head, cause trust me this is watered down.

I’m sorry. I’m just sorry.

Someone make it all go away please.......................................................................................................

You Bleed Just To Know You’re Alive

Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

Saw the doctor again. It wasn’t as easy as last week. I seriously didn’t want to be there. It was just futile.

I had a lovely dream last night. I don’t want to forget it so I’m going to blogg it, seen as I’m still not writing a diary. It was probably a memory from months ago. I was sat all cuddled up to Dominic on his bed, watching whilst he played Sonic on his laptop. I used to prefer to watch rather than play, it was funnier. I could laugh at him when he made a stupid mistake and killed Sonic or giggle when he’d sing little songs to the background music. I woke up feeling happy, safe and loved. Then ten seconds later my heart got ripped out.

Why am I not fucking worth it? How can someone’s conscience be more important than me? And how can you watch someone you’re supposed to love slowly dying and not want to save them when you have the power?

I just want to hide away in my bed and be forgotten by the world. I don’t wanna talk, I don’t wanna eat, I don’t wanna feel, I don’t wanna wake up tomorrow. I just want it to all go away and stop hurting. I just want to be left alone forever.

Let Me Rest In Peace

Let me rest me in peace,
Let me get some sleep,
Let me take my love and bury in a hole six foot deep
I can lay my body down but I can’t find no sweet relief
So let me rest in peace
or in pieces, whichever is easiest for you and your Conscience I suppose.
Spike,Rest In Peace, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, the muscial episode, Once More With Feeling

So yeah I learnt I have a mock in 2 weeks for Chem Module 2. I wonder if I can get more than five marks on it this time. Probably. But I doubt I’ll get a decent grade. I can’t seem to get anything to stick in my brain anymore. Which means I’m kinda screwed for the exams.

And I have my art exam on Monday. I’m not exactly looking forward to that; I’ve got no work, no motivation and no inspiration. All day Monday I have to be in a classroom. I’m dreading break and dinner, I can see me hiding out in the ladies staff like I do before Chem now.

I’m ridiculously tired. I don’t think I’ve got the energy to crawl upstairs and into bed. I need a little more tomorrow, I’m supposed to be playing badminton.

And my blogg pet it still 26 days old. Huh?????????

So many broken hearts in the world

Lonely Girl, Sandi Thom

Yesterday I spent all day wanting to reach out and talk to someone but everyone I turned to already seemed to have problems of their own and I didn’t fancy whimpering at them. A lot of people seem to have bigger problems than me anyway, and I’m happy to hurl myself into someone else’s problems to comfort than think about my own. I did find someone to talk to eventually, thank you Katie-Jane. I just wish it seems to help.

I’ve spent the day battling with nausea and keeping my mind of track. The first half of my Chemistry double was a fight to stay awake and focus. The second I needed to listen and make notes which were entirely for my own benefit. I made them and after an hour long battle this afternoon I managed to force myself to complete the planning exercise. Last night I stared at the same questions (which I knew how to answer), for 2 hours and wrote no more than four words. I had to get it done tonight and had a similar struggle but at least it’s done.

I’m putting off going to bed right now, I really really need to go to bed and sleep but I’m not exactly eager to be alone with my brain. It’s like having monsters living under your bed that creep out and sink their teeth in at night. All day and all night I get a combination of “why????” “I don’t understand why” and desperately wanting the one thing I know will fix me and help me when I know I can’t have it no matter how desperate I am….. And I’m going to stop right there and put it all back into its little box.

And I Need You Now Tonight, And I Need You More Than Ever. If You’ll Only Hold Me Tight

Total Eclipse Of The Heart, Bonnie Tyler

I’ve been trying to write this blogg for ages now. And I still don’t know what to say really. I desperately need to write in my diary but given what I have to say isn’t good then I’m not so sure I should. The last thing I want is it being read yet again. I just can’t bring myself to say what I want in it or on here or anywhere. I think I’ll just go to bed. It’s safe when I’m asleep.

I’m Standing In The Light Of My Mistakes And Begging You Come Home

Did I Say That, Meat Loaf

I want to blogg I was planning on blogging, I had it all written out in my head but now I’ve forgotten. I’ve seen several people, I recall running round Tesco trying to pull Luke’s trousers down and playing Frisbee in the store, (why is Word capitalising Frisbee?), before going back to Luke’s to play on Crash Bandicote. Which was fun, even if I lack the coordination. Last night we had a meal out together before everyone bums off back to uni, which was nice. Oh yeah and my Meat Loaf tickets have come.

As for how I’m feeling, well I’d rather not talk about it really. It would be nice to be able to let some stuff out in my diary but frankly, if my parents have read it once, they’ll read it again. My Dad feels seriously guilty about it, so I’ve not exactly said much on it, just trying to pretend its all ok when really it isn’t because I don't want him to feel bad. So it’s all got to sit inside me stagnating.

Has anyone noticed my blogg pet has suddenly got younger? I swear she was 32 days old the other day, now she's 26 again. How very odd. I wonder if there's some weird physic force in my blogg. Or maybe it's just having a freak out and is bust.

Wound Up, Leanne Rhimes

Little Carrie Ann what a beautiful girl,
From the moment she was born
She was always perfect
Whole town said "Why can't you be more like her?"

Lights go on and she's ready to spin
On stage doing all the things she's told to
Puts on a show in front of the whole damn world

I pray to the heavens to try to save her soul
Cause that sweet little angel is not the girl I know

She gets wound upshe gets higher by the minute
Turns the sound up
To drown out all the pain
They all think they know her
But no one really knows
That she goes a little crazy sometimes

She parks her car at the top of the hill
Only inches from the edge
Where she's almost falling
Stares at the sky till she's drowning in the rain

Nice dress, nice smile
What a wonderful child
If they only knew all the lies she's told them
It's too complicated for her to explain

She prays to the heavens to try to save her soul
Cause the sweet little angel is close to letting go

Antidepressant, Citalopram, 20gm daily, 4-6 weeks

Citalopram hydrobromide is a highly selective and potent serotonin (5-hydroxytryptamine 5-HT) reuptake inhibitor with minimal effects on the neuronal reuptake of norepinephrine (NE) and dopamine (DA). The ability of citalopram to potentiate serotonergic activity in the central nervous system via inhibition of the neuronal reuptake of serotonin is thought to be responsible for its antidepressant action. Tolerance to the inhibition of serotonin reuptake is not induced by long term (14 days) treatment of rats with citalopram.

Citalopram has no or very low affinity for a series of receptors including serotonin 5-HT1A, 5-HT2, dopamine D1, and D2, a1-, a2-, b-adrenergic, histamine H1, muscarinic cholinergic, benzodiazepine, gamma aminobutyric acid (GABA) and opioid receptors.

It’s Only A Diary

A piece of music from one of the Bridget Jones’ films, possibly the first one.

My parents read my diary.

Yeah I know, before anyone points it out to me, they’re only trying to help/worried about me. But they read my diary. The one place I could write what the hell I wanted and let it out a little. Now I can’t because how do I know they’re not going to do it again?

I don’t do hate or anger so forgiving them is not a problem. Forgetting is much harder. And I don’t think I can for a long time.

It’s my fucking DIARY for Christ’s sake! What to I have to do, always keep it on my person?

I don’t think it’s sunk in yet.

My dairy……

Is Forever Just Another Word? Is A Promise Something People Used To Keep When Love Was Worth Fighting For?

If a love as strong as ours
Couldnt make it all the way,
Can anything make sense at all?
If a love so deep and true
Couldnt stand the test of time,
Then mount everest could slide,
And jeruselem could fall.

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?
If we can say good-bye,If we can say good-bye,
Is nothing sacred anymore?

I can hear the final words
Every sentence that was said
Dont know what turned our lives around.
It doesnt matter who was right,
Theres no justice in a dream.
Never thought a heart could break
Without making any sound.

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?
If we can say good-bye,If we can say good-bye,
Is nothing sacred anymore?

Our love was as certain as the dawn,
As solid and save as any love could be.
Our love was the star you wished upon,
And you thought that I saved you,
Couldve sworn that you saved me.
Is Nothing Sacred, Meat Loaf

Errr still no Word, so apologise for the possible spelling mistakes.
I've spent the last hour working on either filing Chemicals work or doing a past paper for it. I have lessons tomorrow first thing...yucky. There isn't a good time in the day for Chemicals...

Went out with Adam again last night, he's spent all week fixing his car, a proper old mini, and he wanted to show it off. I haven't gotten around to naming it yet, I sense it's more masculine than feminie, manily cause it's a stubborn buggar. Apparently the clutch no longer works. Oh dear. We had fun talking and driving around listening to Meat Loaf and stuff.

I sent my uCAS form back today. I am officially going to Lancaster University. I decieded it was time I made a desision rather than leaving it and freaking out last minuet. I'm still ratherwary of the whole university thing, I sense it might be a difficult few weeks anyway but we shall see. At least it's all sorted now.

And tomorrow I plan to go sort out my bank account. That way I can actually send Bath Spa their stupid cheque without going into my non exsistant overdraft. I am rather anxious about my finances really, I know I'm in a far better position than most pre-uni, but I haven't savednearly enough this year.....*sighs.

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?

As I walk this land with broken dreams
I have visions of many things
Love's happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion,
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed?
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe.

The fruits of love grow all around
But for me they come a tumblin' down.
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger
I can't stand this pain much longer
I walk in shadows
Searching for light
Cold and alone
No comfort in sight,
Hoping and praying for someone to care
Always moving and goin to where
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed?

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted? Jimmy Ruffin

You'll have to excuse my spelling. My laptop is in the process of dying, to give me a few extra days I've had to preform a full system restore. As it's likely to die soon, or be taken away for fixing so I'm not likely to bother putting my music and stuff on it. Although I sense Office 2000 and the ability to spell check may be needed!!

I haven't done an awfull lot the last couple of days, some art and Liz randomly popped round yesterday for a needle. And yet she left with a Claire...how odd. We went to see Lukey for a couple of hours, mainly to play on his trampoline* despite him insisting that it was two at a time. There was four of us on it all happily bouncing, (even if it was getting dangerously close to the ground at some points), our excuse being that only 1 and 3/3 were on it. I wonder if it will take you guys as long as it took me to figure out who the three thirds were!

I created a yahoo account yesterday, my address is claire.tinker@yahoo.co.uk I'm not changing to that account, (whatever that stupid automated email said to you all, that wasn't supposed to happen but did when I imported my address book), but at least I should eb able to talk to my yahoo people again. I hope.....

*boys wipe the grin off your face, thats not a euphamism.

HEY (hey) You (you) I Don’t Like Your Girlfriend, Hey (hey) YOU (you) I Think You Need A New One

Girlfriend, Avril Lavigne *was supposed to be last night blogg title but my internet failed so I didn’t get to blogg.

Right well, I’ve done a fair bit of art work the last couple of days and will be doing some more tomorrow. I’m started a bigger “map” but I think now I should get them done in one sitting, I’m having trouble finding the exact same view on Google Earth.

I did break off yesterday to go to Tesco with Katie to get her pre-uni shop. This seems to be somewhat of a tradition for us, albeit inadvertently. We always go before she goes back. Next year, when I’m at Lancaster too we can do it together. I had a huge amount of fun running with the trolley down an aisle then swinging on it whilst it ran on. SOOOO much fun. Although Katie did start to ignore me after a while, I wonder why? Apparently me singing the above blogg title constantly is a sign I’m becoming a lesbian gradually. Hmmm….I don’t think so!

Today I went with Katie to drop her stuff off at Lancaster. I was delighted to see a bunny waiting for us on her doorstep. See I bring out the bunnies in Lancaster! Apparently they haven’t been seen for yonks. We had an amusing time avoiding the chavs who weren’t happy with where we’d parked. And talking about scented dollies where you pulled up the skirts to make them smell. Is it just me who finds that a little perverted???

Ooo and guess what! I took Jane’s advice and tried to get tickets anyway. It worked; I won some on ebay for exactly what they would have cost me anyway. So in less than a month’s time I should be seeing Meat Loaf!!!!!! I’ll let you know when that’s sunk in!

On a serious note, JUSTIN!!!!! I don’t know what’s going on with msn, but I just want to say I hope your ok and that things are running smoother for you. I miss talking to you, who’s gonna keep me company online at half 7? I hope we get to chat soon! xxx

Hey Doris I didn’t know you could do that?

Go see Meet The Robinsons it’s ace. Disney are getting good at doing digital people. Nice touch to have Walt Disney’s quote about moving forward featuring too. Slightly unpredictable too, which is a surprise for a kids film! There's a proper old style Micky Mouse cartoon at the beginning too, which is soo funny and amazing, like a flashback to childhood.

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”
Walt Disney

I Want My Money Back!

Life Is A Lemon, Meat Loaf

I got a letter from Bath Spa this morning. Apparently I owe them £666 for 2 months tuition, (although I was there only 5 days in September and that was Freshers week so wasn’t exactly a teaching week, AND given I barely saw my tutors because I had to share with the 2nd year, so £333 a month seems kinda screwy).

I assumed that my tuition fee had already been paid direct to the uni by the Student Loan Company, given I took out the necessary loan with them. I’d assumed too it had been paid to Bath Spa and I’d paid the SLC back when I sent them the cheques. Apparently not.

So it looks like I won’t be seeing Meat Loaf. The tickets are likely to go for very inflated prices on ebay, and I would have happily bid for them before, but apparently I owe the f****** uni more money. I left in October, SIX MONTHS ago. I’m getting sick of them pissing me about months later cause they can’t get it all right. I’d relaxed my saving somewhat so I could have fun, like going to Alison’s or to Blackpool. Now my attempts to save anything this year just seem futile.

And now I don’t get to see Meat…………….*cries