I Miss You, Miss You So Bad, I Don’t Forget You, Oh It’s So Sad

Slipped Away, Avril Lavigne

Well my art exam is all done now. That just leaves the prep to do, and Module 2 to somehow finish. Err yeah I don’t think that’s gonna happen somehow. At least I’ve done the worst bit, sitting in a classroom with 3 strange boys, who I decided from their conversations were actually mostly a bunch of jerks. The final piece came together better than I thought it would, but it’s all a far cry from how my work used to be.

Jess is apparently my friend, she didn’t reply due to no battery, so at least I have one friend in the valley. We had a good giggle during work and a deep discussion of Neighbours. I haven’t seen Liz and she hasn’t been online so I don’t know what’s going on there at all yet.

Wednesday I’m taking a trip to Lancaster to visit Katie. We’re going to go out to Le Cheese Club and have some girly fun.

Right now I’m rather worried about a few of my friends. For privacy reason I’m not going into the details of one. The other one would be Adam. He’s had a pretty rough time recently; his granny ended up in hospital, he’s pretty sure he’s on the wrong uni course and his grandad died last Friday. He told me today he thinks he’s depressed, (don’t I know the feeling) which is kinda understandable. There is only so much you can do over the internet. *frets and focuses on other peoples more important problems.

Better than missing everything about someone you can’t even see or talk to.

You’ll Never Know How Much I Miss You

You’ll Never Know, Mindy McCready

A surprise trip out with Katie was on the cards today. Well it wasn’t a surprise for me, we planned to do her Tesco shop together when I knew she was coming home, but her parents didn’t know. It was lovely to see her for an hour or so, we had an amusing time as always in Tesco and she was wrapped when I gave her the Thornton’s Pink Pigs I’d bought her as a surprise present. He he so worth it to see her face light up.

I’m nowhere near ready for my art exam tomorrow. I discovered the picture I was supposed to use looks pretty rubbish once I’d printed it from Google Earth. The thought of being trapped in the classroom all day when I just want to disappear is frightening for me right now.

It’s pretty obvious Liz isn’t speaking to me, and I haven’t had a reply from Jess. I text her trying to find out what I’ve done wrong and if she was my friend. I guess that’s a no then……..

That brings the number of people I have here at home down to zero.

I bought a 150g bar of Milkybar chocolate this morning and a 100g bar of those Cabury Melt thingies Jenny recommended. It’s all gone now. Guess that suggests how I’m feeling.
It all hurts so much. I miss…..well things, so much.

I Bought A New Red Dress To Lift My Spirits Up, Just Like You Did Honey It Cost Me Way Too Much

You’ll Never Know, Mindy McCready

Today has mostly been about dresses. There’s a possibility I’ll be at a party next weekend so I decided to have a poke around for something pretty. I managed to find a gorgeous one in New Look. One of these black 60’s box style dresses. With a belt worn very high up it looks pretty darn good on me. And this will make you laugh, it’s from the maternity section!

I spent the afternoon helping my mum figure out what to wear when she went out this evening, and in the process we discovered a couple of other lovely dresses my mums made over the years but no longer fit her. I spotted this lovely looking navy fabric with bright blue print on it, inside out in her wardrobe and my inquiry revealed a pretty pinafore dress. Add a belt in the right place to give it some shape, (it was made when boxy styles were fashionable, but I’m far too fond of my waist for them), and it looks stunning on me. We also discovered another dress, this time a longer summer one in a small red and white flower print that was all fluty and swirly at the bottom. That looked just as good on me. I’m very please. I’ve gained three lovely dresses, (one of them the essential Little Black Dress), and only spent £7. (Give or take a blouse and 2 belts…….)

It was nice to briefly feel attractive. Pity it didn’t last. I looked so good, when I checked myself out in the mirror. Unfortunately my first thought, was something along the lines of, wow, wait till Dom sees this, he’ll love it. I hate not having a reason to dress up, make that little extra effort for someone I love. Yeah you can argue I could do it for my own benefit, I do everyday, but it just isn’t the same. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore, so I'll go hide in my bed again.

You Bleed Just To Know You're Alive Part 2

If it couldn’t get worse it managed it. It would appear Liz isn’t speaking to me. Yeah I don’t exactly know what I’ve done aside from apparently been a horrible person who deserves dumping randomly. Or something like that. Ok so I’m probably a little irritable, but that’s both the pills and the depression talking. Ok so I’ve been kinda quiet this week, it’s been incredibly difficult. But I can’t think of anything that warrants being ignored and cold shouldered.

I feel even worse than I did yesterday. I feel like crap. Why would anyone want to be my friend or love me when I’m like this?

Oh and, just a note. Because I’m feeling mad and attacked. Yeah my bloggs got all depressing again. But I’d like to point out I have no diary anymore, I have no means of venting. If I don’t get it out then I will crack up. So I blogg. If it’s too heavy for people, then please don’t read it. You have your own problems, stick with them and don’t worry about me. If you think this blogg is depressing you have no idea what is actually going on in my head, cause trust me this is watered down.

I’m sorry. I’m just sorry.

Someone make it all go away please.......................................................................................................

You Bleed Just To Know You’re Alive

Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

Saw the doctor again. It wasn’t as easy as last week. I seriously didn’t want to be there. It was just futile.

I had a lovely dream last night. I don’t want to forget it so I’m going to blogg it, seen as I’m still not writing a diary. It was probably a memory from months ago. I was sat all cuddled up to Dominic on his bed, watching whilst he played Sonic on his laptop. I used to prefer to watch rather than play, it was funnier. I could laugh at him when he made a stupid mistake and killed Sonic or giggle when he’d sing little songs to the background music. I woke up feeling happy, safe and loved. Then ten seconds later my heart got ripped out.

Why am I not fucking worth it? How can someone’s conscience be more important than me? And how can you watch someone you’re supposed to love slowly dying and not want to save them when you have the power?

I just want to hide away in my bed and be forgotten by the world. I don’t wanna talk, I don’t wanna eat, I don’t wanna feel, I don’t wanna wake up tomorrow. I just want it to all go away and stop hurting. I just want to be left alone forever.

Let Me Rest In Peace

Let me rest me in peace,
Let me get some sleep,
Let me take my love and bury in a hole six foot deep
I can lay my body down but I can’t find no sweet relief
So let me rest in peace
or in pieces, whichever is easiest for you and your Conscience I suppose.
Spike,Rest In Peace, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, the muscial episode, Once More With Feeling

So yeah I learnt I have a mock in 2 weeks for Chem Module 2. I wonder if I can get more than five marks on it this time. Probably. But I doubt I’ll get a decent grade. I can’t seem to get anything to stick in my brain anymore. Which means I’m kinda screwed for the exams.

And I have my art exam on Monday. I’m not exactly looking forward to that; I’ve got no work, no motivation and no inspiration. All day Monday I have to be in a classroom. I’m dreading break and dinner, I can see me hiding out in the ladies staff like I do before Chem now.

I’m ridiculously tired. I don’t think I’ve got the energy to crawl upstairs and into bed. I need a little more tomorrow, I’m supposed to be playing badminton.

And my blogg pet it still 26 days old. Huh?????????

So many broken hearts in the world

Lonely Girl, Sandi Thom

Yesterday I spent all day wanting to reach out and talk to someone but everyone I turned to already seemed to have problems of their own and I didn’t fancy whimpering at them. A lot of people seem to have bigger problems than me anyway, and I’m happy to hurl myself into someone else’s problems to comfort than think about my own. I did find someone to talk to eventually, thank you Katie-Jane. I just wish it seems to help.

I’ve spent the day battling with nausea and keeping my mind of track. The first half of my Chemistry double was a fight to stay awake and focus. The second I needed to listen and make notes which were entirely for my own benefit. I made them and after an hour long battle this afternoon I managed to force myself to complete the planning exercise. Last night I stared at the same questions (which I knew how to answer), for 2 hours and wrote no more than four words. I had to get it done tonight and had a similar struggle but at least it’s done.

I’m putting off going to bed right now, I really really need to go to bed and sleep but I’m not exactly eager to be alone with my brain. It’s like having monsters living under your bed that creep out and sink their teeth in at night. All day and all night I get a combination of “why????” “I don’t understand why” and desperately wanting the one thing I know will fix me and help me when I know I can’t have it no matter how desperate I am….. And I’m going to stop right there and put it all back into its little box.

And I Need You Now Tonight, And I Need You More Than Ever. If You’ll Only Hold Me Tight

Total Eclipse Of The Heart, Bonnie Tyler

I’ve been trying to write this blogg for ages now. And I still don’t know what to say really. I desperately need to write in my diary but given what I have to say isn’t good then I’m not so sure I should. The last thing I want is it being read yet again. I just can’t bring myself to say what I want in it or on here or anywhere. I think I’ll just go to bed. It’s safe when I’m asleep.

I’m Standing In The Light Of My Mistakes And Begging You Come Home

Did I Say That, Meat Loaf

I want to blogg I was planning on blogging, I had it all written out in my head but now I’ve forgotten. I’ve seen several people, I recall running round Tesco trying to pull Luke’s trousers down and playing Frisbee in the store, (why is Word capitalising Frisbee?), before going back to Luke’s to play on Crash Bandicote. Which was fun, even if I lack the coordination. Last night we had a meal out together before everyone bums off back to uni, which was nice. Oh yeah and my Meat Loaf tickets have come.

As for how I’m feeling, well I’d rather not talk about it really. It would be nice to be able to let some stuff out in my diary but frankly, if my parents have read it once, they’ll read it again. My Dad feels seriously guilty about it, so I’ve not exactly said much on it, just trying to pretend its all ok when really it isn’t because I don't want him to feel bad. So it’s all got to sit inside me stagnating.

Has anyone noticed my blogg pet has suddenly got younger? I swear she was 32 days old the other day, now she's 26 again. How very odd. I wonder if there's some weird physic force in my blogg. Or maybe it's just having a freak out and is bust.

Wound Up, Leanne Rhimes

Little Carrie Ann what a beautiful girl,
From the moment she was born
She was always perfect
Whole town said "Why can't you be more like her?"

Lights go on and she's ready to spin
On stage doing all the things she's told to
Puts on a show in front of the whole damn world

I pray to the heavens to try to save her soul
Cause that sweet little angel is not the girl I know

She gets wound upshe gets higher by the minute
Turns the sound up
To drown out all the pain
They all think they know her
But no one really knows
That she goes a little crazy sometimes

She parks her car at the top of the hill
Only inches from the edge
Where she's almost falling
Stares at the sky till she's drowning in the rain

Nice dress, nice smile
What a wonderful child
If they only knew all the lies she's told them
It's too complicated for her to explain

She prays to the heavens to try to save her soul
Cause the sweet little angel is close to letting go

Antidepressant, Citalopram, 20gm daily, 4-6 weeks

Citalopram hydrobromide is a highly selective and potent serotonin (5-hydroxytryptamine 5-HT) reuptake inhibitor with minimal effects on the neuronal reuptake of norepinephrine (NE) and dopamine (DA). The ability of citalopram to potentiate serotonergic activity in the central nervous system via inhibition of the neuronal reuptake of serotonin is thought to be responsible for its antidepressant action. Tolerance to the inhibition of serotonin reuptake is not induced by long term (14 days) treatment of rats with citalopram.

Citalopram has no or very low affinity for a series of receptors including serotonin 5-HT1A, 5-HT2, dopamine D1, and D2, a1-, a2-, b-adrenergic, histamine H1, muscarinic cholinergic, benzodiazepine, gamma aminobutyric acid (GABA) and opioid receptors.

It’s Only A Diary

A piece of music from one of the Bridget Jones’ films, possibly the first one.

My parents read my diary.

Yeah I know, before anyone points it out to me, they’re only trying to help/worried about me. But they read my diary. The one place I could write what the hell I wanted and let it out a little. Now I can’t because how do I know they’re not going to do it again?

I don’t do hate or anger so forgiving them is not a problem. Forgetting is much harder. And I don’t think I can for a long time.

It’s my fucking DIARY for Christ’s sake! What to I have to do, always keep it on my person?

I don’t think it’s sunk in yet.

My dairy……

Is Forever Just Another Word? Is A Promise Something People Used To Keep When Love Was Worth Fighting For?

If a love as strong as ours
Couldnt make it all the way,
Can anything make sense at all?
If a love so deep and true
Couldnt stand the test of time,
Then mount everest could slide,
And jeruselem could fall.

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?
If we can say good-bye,If we can say good-bye,
Is nothing sacred anymore?

I can hear the final words
Every sentence that was said
Dont know what turned our lives around.
It doesnt matter who was right,
Theres no justice in a dream.
Never thought a heart could break
Without making any sound.

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?
If we can say good-bye,If we can say good-bye,
Is nothing sacred anymore?

Our love was as certain as the dawn,
As solid and save as any love could be.
Our love was the star you wished upon,
And you thought that I saved you,
Couldve sworn that you saved me.
Is Nothing Sacred, Meat Loaf

Errr still no Word, so apologise for the possible spelling mistakes.
I've spent the last hour working on either filing Chemicals work or doing a past paper for it. I have lessons tomorrow first thing...yucky. There isn't a good time in the day for Chemicals...

Went out with Adam again last night, he's spent all week fixing his car, a proper old mini, and he wanted to show it off. I haven't gotten around to naming it yet, I sense it's more masculine than feminie, manily cause it's a stubborn buggar. Apparently the clutch no longer works. Oh dear. We had fun talking and driving around listening to Meat Loaf and stuff.

I sent my uCAS form back today. I am officially going to Lancaster University. I decieded it was time I made a desision rather than leaving it and freaking out last minuet. I'm still ratherwary of the whole university thing, I sense it might be a difficult few weeks anyway but we shall see. At least it's all sorted now.

And tomorrow I plan to go sort out my bank account. That way I can actually send Bath Spa their stupid cheque without going into my non exsistant overdraft. I am rather anxious about my finances really, I know I'm in a far better position than most pre-uni, but I haven't savednearly enough this year.....*sighs.

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?

As I walk this land with broken dreams
I have visions of many things
Love's happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion,
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed?
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe.

The fruits of love grow all around
But for me they come a tumblin' down.
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger
I can't stand this pain much longer
I walk in shadows
Searching for light
Cold and alone
No comfort in sight,
Hoping and praying for someone to care
Always moving and goin to where
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed?

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted? Jimmy Ruffin

You'll have to excuse my spelling. My laptop is in the process of dying, to give me a few extra days I've had to preform a full system restore. As it's likely to die soon, or be taken away for fixing so I'm not likely to bother putting my music and stuff on it. Although I sense Office 2000 and the ability to spell check may be needed!!

I haven't done an awfull lot the last couple of days, some art and Liz randomly popped round yesterday for a needle. And yet she left with a Claire...how odd. We went to see Lukey for a couple of hours, mainly to play on his trampoline* despite him insisting that it was two at a time. There was four of us on it all happily bouncing, (even if it was getting dangerously close to the ground at some points), our excuse being that only 1 and 3/3 were on it. I wonder if it will take you guys as long as it took me to figure out who the three thirds were!

I created a yahoo account yesterday, my address is claire.tinker@yahoo.co.uk I'm not changing to that account, (whatever that stupid automated email said to you all, that wasn't supposed to happen but did when I imported my address book), but at least I should eb able to talk to my yahoo people again. I hope.....

*boys wipe the grin off your face, thats not a euphamism.

HEY (hey) You (you) I Don’t Like Your Girlfriend, Hey (hey) YOU (you) I Think You Need A New One

Girlfriend, Avril Lavigne *was supposed to be last night blogg title but my internet failed so I didn’t get to blogg.

Right well, I’ve done a fair bit of art work the last couple of days and will be doing some more tomorrow. I’m started a bigger “map” but I think now I should get them done in one sitting, I’m having trouble finding the exact same view on Google Earth.

I did break off yesterday to go to Tesco with Katie to get her pre-uni shop. This seems to be somewhat of a tradition for us, albeit inadvertently. We always go before she goes back. Next year, when I’m at Lancaster too we can do it together. I had a huge amount of fun running with the trolley down an aisle then swinging on it whilst it ran on. SOOOO much fun. Although Katie did start to ignore me after a while, I wonder why? Apparently me singing the above blogg title constantly is a sign I’m becoming a lesbian gradually. Hmmm….I don’t think so!

Today I went with Katie to drop her stuff off at Lancaster. I was delighted to see a bunny waiting for us on her doorstep. See I bring out the bunnies in Lancaster! Apparently they haven’t been seen for yonks. We had an amusing time avoiding the chavs who weren’t happy with where we’d parked. And talking about scented dollies where you pulled up the skirts to make them smell. Is it just me who finds that a little perverted???

Ooo and guess what! I took Jane’s advice and tried to get tickets anyway. It worked; I won some on ebay for exactly what they would have cost me anyway. So in less than a month’s time I should be seeing Meat Loaf!!!!!! I’ll let you know when that’s sunk in!

On a serious note, JUSTIN!!!!! I don’t know what’s going on with msn, but I just want to say I hope your ok and that things are running smoother for you. I miss talking to you, who’s gonna keep me company online at half 7? I hope we get to chat soon! xxx

Hey Doris I didn’t know you could do that?

Go see Meet The Robinsons it’s ace. Disney are getting good at doing digital people. Nice touch to have Walt Disney’s quote about moving forward featuring too. Slightly unpredictable too, which is a surprise for a kids film! There's a proper old style Micky Mouse cartoon at the beginning too, which is soo funny and amazing, like a flashback to childhood.

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”
Walt Disney

I Want My Money Back!

Life Is A Lemon, Meat Loaf

I got a letter from Bath Spa this morning. Apparently I owe them £666 for 2 months tuition, (although I was there only 5 days in September and that was Freshers week so wasn’t exactly a teaching week, AND given I barely saw my tutors because I had to share with the 2nd year, so £333 a month seems kinda screwy).

I assumed that my tuition fee had already been paid direct to the uni by the Student Loan Company, given I took out the necessary loan with them. I’d assumed too it had been paid to Bath Spa and I’d paid the SLC back when I sent them the cheques. Apparently not.

So it looks like I won’t be seeing Meat Loaf. The tickets are likely to go for very inflated prices on ebay, and I would have happily bid for them before, but apparently I owe the f****** uni more money. I left in October, SIX MONTHS ago. I’m getting sick of them pissing me about months later cause they can’t get it all right. I’d relaxed my saving somewhat so I could have fun, like going to Alison’s or to Blackpool. Now my attempts to save anything this year just seem futile.

And now I don’t get to see Meat…………….*cries

Like A Bat Outta Hell!

Cry Over Me, Meat Loaf (* I promise there is a blogg at the end of it!)

Another night sleepless
I don't want to feel this
Nothing can stop this pain
Trying to get to
A time I forget you
Still tangled in yesterday

It's so easy for you
To give nothing for me
Did you ever feel anything?

I want you to cry over me
Die over me
Even for a moment
Even for a moment
I want you to hurt over me
Feel what I feel
I want you to cry over, die over me

Baby, just one timeI want your heart broken
Some sign of emotion
I want to see the tears tumble down
Show me I meant something
And that you feel nothing
But your world crashing to the ground

It's so easy for you
To forget about me
Did I ever mean something?

I want you to cry over me
Die over me
Even for a moment
Even for a moment
I want you to hurt over me
Feel what I feel
I want you to cry over, die over me
Baby, just one time(Cry - cry - cry)

But did you feel something?
Did we mean nothing at all?

I want you to cry over me
Die over me
Even for a moment
Even for a moment
I want you to hurt over me
Feel what I feel

Oh why can't you just cry over, die over me
Baby, why can't you hurt like I do like I hurt over you
Can't you cry over, die over me

Baby, just for one timeI want you to cry over, die over me
Baby, want you to fall on your knees
Baby, crawl back to me
Want you to cry over, die over me
Baby, just one time...(Cry - cry - cry)...

OMIGOD MEAT LOAF IS TOURING THE UK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am seriously desperate to go. This could well be his last ever tour and to see him live has been on my list of things to do since I discovered his music. I love the drama every song creates and the stories they tell, there is no other music I can get myself lost in or feel what it feels. He’s worked with some of the best composers ever, like Jim Steinman who created the Bat Out Of Hell trilogy with him, and even Andrew Lloyd Webber. I’ve seen some of his performances on youtube and his CD and he looks amazing live.

There are 2 hitches in my plan to go see him. The first being the tickets seem to have sold out, but there are plenty on ebay and it’s not till May so I can possibly get my paws on some, if at an inflated price. The second is I don’t actually have anyone to go with. To my knowledge a lot of my friends aren’t major fans. My mum expressed a mild interest as a mild fan, but she’s got my Dad’s 50th in May as well. Frankly I’d pay for someone to come with me. I just want to go and see Meat!!!!

Someone move that pigeon!

Yeah I know not another rushed crappy blogg. I'm sorry but I've left it late. A few days away and whoosh I ain't half in demmand! Blacpool was nice and fun. I discovered a ride that I hate more than Rita but pigeons feel the urge to land on the track mid-ride, (the Big Dipper), but at least I still tried. Errrr and my brain has suddenly turned into sleepy mush and I can't remember anything else! Flip.....

*blogged too fast for title or font alterage, sorry

It’s been ages since I’ve blogged. I’ve either not been here at blogging time or have been too shattered. So in super quick time heres what I’ve done;

Tuesday I met Luke for dinner. We had a good giggle over lunch then bought chocolate to replenish the supplies he had stolen from his mum’s secret stash. Then we went back to his to watch various DVD’s, (I think I might be warming to Little Britain, but I still find it offensive for the most part), and Daddy Day Care. A good film, I recommend. It was freezing in Luke’s granny flat so we ended up snuggled in sleeping bags to keep warm before migrating to the main house for access to Sky channels and the Simpsons.

Wednesday evening was The Great Gathering of everyone. It’s quite a task to get about 10 people, all with their own social lives, together in one spot but hats off to Jess for managing it. Pretty much everyone was there from the inner circle. We sat around in McDonalds messing around before realising that we’d missed the films we were thinking of seeing so it was bowling instead. Defiantly more amusing, and much less popcorn being thrown around*, and it was easier to talk and catch up on all the gossip in each others lives. And too tease each other….
We ended up back at Luke’s after a mad trip around ASDA, you’d think they’d want to kick piggyback-giving-candyfloss-moving-around teenagers out but they must have better things to do on a Wednesday evening. Luke’s house was fun as usual; we had food fights with popcorn and other poor food stuffs. I lost my seat on the sofa and had a massive fight to get it back- why is it always me? I learnt that BB guns are very painful when they hit you butt or your elbow and that candyfloss tastes as good as I remember. We spent the last hour or so talking about the scandalous behaviour of the teachers at our High School before we went home to our warm beds.

Yesterday my friends Christine and Joanne came round from Middleton and they got to see The Princess Diaries 2 and then Chris spent ages showing various emulators cause she’s a wicked funky geek girl. We had a great laugh, I can’t believe I don’t get to see her until May next! Errr, As If!
Last night was also what can only be described as my “date” with Hit-On-You-Guy**. He bought me dinner and we went to a pub quiz before he walked me home. He’s lovely, funny and sweet and very attentive. I don’t know what to say though that won’t come out wrong. Put it this way, I don’t think it was a good idea given how things ended. Actually remove the think there, it wasn’t, even if he is such a lovely person. I want to talk to someone about it but there literally isn’t the time frame for that now, I leave for my train to Blackpool err like NOW. Chrish should cheer me up, she always does.

I shall return possibly needing to chat on Sunday, see you then!

*sorry cinema cleaners!
**his real name is Adam chat people, he started being nice and not hitty-on-you so we can use his real name

If You Pay Your Dues In Darkness You'll Appreciate The Light

Deep Down Low, Chely Wright

Then when I'm no longer crazy and I'm back to my old self
I realize how good I've always felt
So don't be afraid to cry get down as far as you can go
Let the river rage on by and the wind blow
If you pay your dues in darknessYou'll appreciate the light
'Cause a deep down low makes level feel so high

I made a desision last night before I went to bed, the desision being that I need to get over this all. I said I wasn't sure if I would be blogging here again until I felt ok, because I was planning on doing what people, paticularly Henry, have been telling me to do. I know I am not alone, but Henry is right, I am the only one who can help myself. It's just been a matter of finding the mindset to do so. Last night I wanted to try and apologise for my behaviour towards everyone, which appears to have backfired. So I'll try again, I am sorry for taking time to be self absorbed and unhappy. I owe it to the people I have hurt and upset as well as myslef to try. And to actually be alright. Right now I feel pretty level. I am going to try and help myself because there is only so far that others can take me. Thank you for your help. Now it's my turn to help myself. And I am going to give it all that I've got. Starting today.

Everybody Cries And Everybody Hurts Sometimes

Everybody Hurts, REM

So telling my parents was a great idea. Guess what, it changed nothing.

I don’t know what to say anymore. Right now I think maybe I should stop blogging and that I should just stop telling people how I feel and leave it for my diary. I don’t know how to handle anything anymore and until I figure out how I’m supposed to exist and be happy properly there doesn’t seem like much point in posting anything here. It’s reached the point where people are frustrated with what they see as self pity, and I understand that. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for hurting people. I’m sorry I’ve snapped at people like Hutters who have been lovely to me. I’m sorry I’ve taken Liz and Jess for granted. I’m sorry for hurting and upsetting you Dominic, I’m sorry it’s so hard for me to let go of you. You will always be one of the best things that ever happened to me and someone who made me happy than I’ve ever been. My door is always open for you. I don’t know how to deal with this but I am going to try because the lows I have reached today and recently and the methods I’m using to let out my pain are ultimately self destructive and very dangerous. Maybe I have to hit total rock bottom before I start to be ok. I just don’t know. I guess I’m going to find out.

“Life's like a box of matches, sometimes the whole thing catches and all you can do is watch it burn” Mindy Mcreedy

F***

This morning my mum told me she wanted to talk to me. I figured she'd found out I'd skived Chem last week but no. Someone decieded to tell my mum on Friday how unhappy I have been.

They, I assume, thought it would make things better if my parents where aware of how I've been feeling. I thank them for their concern, and understand they meant well. But it's actually made the situation feel a hell of a site worse.

We talked or argued or whatever you want to call it with no actual conclusion. Nothing came out of it. NOTHING!

My parents knowing I'm unhappy doesn't help anything. That's why I hadn't told them. I don't know how to talk to them anymore. I didn't want them knowing because it meant that when I was home at least it didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells.

Which is what it feels like now. I was just starting to find existance bearable yesterday, depsite being knackered. Now I feel like shit yet again. Now I am so wound up I've been sick. Pretending, no matter how hard it got, meant I had some normality in my life. Now I don't. I have a great big urge to go up the hill behind my house and scream until I'm sick. Or cry like hell.

And I get to feel like this again when my dad comes home and has the same talk with me.

FUCK.

I Always Take The Long Way Home

Long Way Home, Norah Jones

Brilliant weekend spent all Flufficated, (with Sam and Alistair too) for Alison's birthday, in a place where there are no hills. I prised myself out of bed later than I would have liked on Saturday, mainly because I woke up with what can only be described as a Rollercoaster Hangover. My head hurt so much it was impossible to move. It passed eventually and I made my way to Piccadilly Station, got my ticket and hopped on my train all by myself like a BIG girl. May I just say I LOVE Virgin Pendolino trains; there is no better way to travel. Richard Branson you rock!

I was happily met off my train in Euston by Alison, Sam and Alistair and we went for a long wander around London. It was nice to see it in a more casual manner, the only times I’ve been is with sixth from, and of course it’s far stricter and more touristy, mainly for our own safety. The most exciting thing for me was seeing some of my favourite artists in the National Portrait Gallery. I love Monet and van Gogh, my own style leans towards impressionistic and I find their work stunning. Seeing the Water Lillie’s and Cyprus Trees is breathtaking. Turner went up in my books too, his work looks muddy on paper, but in real life the atmosphere he was capable of creating is stunning. Don’t get me started on the 1700 artists who painted pictures of Venice that looked like they’d been taken on a camera. There are very few artists today who are that skilled, it’s incredible what they did! I was amazed, and wandered around in a quite awe.

Today the highlight was probably restraining Alison from chasing the ducks into the pond. Payback from restraining me from jelly beans at the Chat Meet. Although it was more distressing to watch the ducks being attacked and chased by some spiteful geese. *waves stick and shouts at gooses.
After a yummy lunch it was time for Ali and me to catch our trains. Sam and Alison hung around for as long as possible and I was sad they had to go, but very grateful for the company on part of the journey back. Even if I did spend most of it falling asleep…..sorry Ali! Although it was livened up by the spotting of several bunnies! All hoppy and cute.

The journey after the luffly Ali left was rather difficult. I started listening to the songs on my ipod alphabetically, which is better than shuffle because you can try and guess what songs coming up, but I soon found myself feeling very very emotional. A fair bit was probably due to being exhausted, but I’m not going to go into it now. My challenge for everyone who reads my blogg is simple, how long did it take me to get home today? Starting at Stanstead and ending at my doorstep. Alistair, Alison and Sam can't play cause they know.