These Little Things That Shouldn’t Matter, Make Something Inside Me Shatter

Saying Goodbye To A Friend, Suzy Bogguss

I thoroughly intended today to be a Better Day. Yesterday I went out with Katie for a little while, which was good fun, and I had a lovely chat with Jess before work. I managed to do some drawings in the evening and also had another go at my chemistry homework. So I thought maybe I could make today an ok day.

That didn’t happen. I had a horrible dream. I say horrible because I dreamt Dom and I were back together, and then work up and it hurt so much I spent 40 minutes wiggling around in my bed pleading for it to stop hurting.
I thought, ok get up, go to Chemicals and let yourself be distracted, that will help, you’ll come out feeling so much better and get to walk home listening to your ipod happily and being lost in the music.

That didn’t happen.

Last week we did the practical for our coursework, which was fun. Then we started the write-up. We went through it first because we lose a mark every time we ask the teacher for help. Last week I thought, ok not so hard, I can do this. This week I took one look at the first question and felt my blood run cold followed by a wave of complete panic. I could not do it. Hadn’t a clue. I tried to listen to the teacher help others, and went to see her twice but still I couldn’t understand it because she’s not allowed to say “this goes here and this goes there” step by baby step. By the time the lesson finished I felt like crap, I was wound so tight and so close to tears.
I talked to her and have a session to go over some stuff with another teacher next Monday, because we’re finishing the coursework on Tuesday. I don’t even want to think about the mark.
So instead of walking home cheered up, I caught the bus close to tears and utterly depressed. A long time ago I figured that if I couldn’t get anything else right I could still get an A. That has been my support through everything.
Unfortunately no matter how hard I try I cannot do Chemistry. The best I get on the easiest module is a C. The other one we’re learning I haven’t a clue on, and I haven’t got a hope in hell of passing the first because I missed all of that. It just won’t click. I am so close to giving it all up it’s not true. Given that I get paid £30 a week to go to sixth form and that it’s not long till we break up, I might as well keep going. My parents would not be impressed if I gave up now, and I can’t bear the thought of disappointing the teachers at the school. They will be anyway when I flunk it. Getting a job where I live is very hard, as Liz and Jess have found, so this is the better option financially. Even if it depresses me.

I wasn’t feeling too bad this afternoon but then I walked a little way to work with mum and she upset me by being bitter and unforgiving about something I was talking to her about. I’d just told her I was going to take her advice on something, (mainly because I can’t deal with the extra agro I’m getting from my parents), and instead of the pat on the head and good girl all I got was more agro. And she tells me I’m becoming snappy and impatient? Is it any wonder when I spend my whole time at home with my defences up and on overtime?

Then I spent all of cleaning waiting for my bosses to come and yell at me for something like they seem to every single day. They didn’t but I was still knotted up.

Oh and I realised on my way home I messed up my last blogg. It suddenly occurred to me there were two Fords on American history, the car dude and the president. I saw Ford and assumed Gerald the President because the quote made sense in relation to Watergate. I was wrong and it was Henry the Car Dude, which means the quote makes even more sense and my ramblings after it make very little sense. Buggar. And at this point my back is aching so much I have to go and stretch it out.