Sunday, March 18, 2007

I hate......

I hate my life.

I hate the fact that I get up, survive the day and have to do it again and again and again and again with no end in sight.

I hate the fact that the one person who meant the most to me and made me the happiest is the one person I made miserable. I hate the fact they’re gone.

I hate the fact that if I’m such a lovely, kind wonderful person like everyone claims I am that all I get out of my life is pain and punishment.

I hate the fact that people think finding some new exciting challenge will help me. “Go find a hobby or something to achieve”. Like what? I hate sport, and that leaves pretty much nothing. I can’t even get anything from sixth form anymore. I hate the fact people expect me to get over it all and bounce back.

I hate the fact I can’t pretend to everyone. I wish I could but I just can’t. I hate the fact I’m so damn tired. I hate the fact I have no escape from anything.

I hate everything. I wish to God it would all just go away. I can’t make it go away. I don't even want to wake up tomorrow. Please make it all go away before I do something stupid. Please someone; tell me how I’m supposed to make it all go away.
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4 comments:

Jeans Pants said...

Yeah, that's because life likes to shit on the nice people. Like us. So, it's up to you and me to meet, join forces, and shit on it back

8:34 AM
Unknown said...

keep fighting Claire, keep on getting up every day and being wonderful. At least for another 2 weeks so you can come and see me and Fluffy, isn't that something to look forward too? (it is for me!) you need things to look forward too, it'll help trust me. keep telling yourself 'If I can carry on for x amount of time, then I get to do xyz and then I'll be happy' There are lots of people that care about you out here in internet land, and we all just hope you can get better soon and be the happy wonderful Marshy again that we all know and love. Take care, Ali *hug*

8:56 AM
Paul said...

My friend Sarah said something very clever - and relevant - just after her husband was killed in a road accident last year: "You never get over something like this, you just learn to cope with it".

But Henry's right: The people giving you this advice aren't getting it from some textbook or dodgy website: Most of us have lived through what you're going through now, or something like it. Our advice is based on experience, and the fact that so many experienced people are giving you the same advice should tell you something.

So you hate sport? You hate being where you are now, so what have you got to lose? If you try it for a month and it genuinely makes no difference, you'll have the right to say to all of us "I told you so". But maybe in a month of trying something, you'll have had a better idea of something you MIGHT enjoy doing, and you'll have slept better because of the physical activity too.

You're in a crap position right now and everyone who cares about you wishes that you weren't: If I lived near you I'd turn up at your haouse and say "I don't care whether you want to or not, you're coming walking with me this afternoon, so get some old clothes on and lets go". But I don't. That option isn't open to me.

Please Claire...you've asked for advice and been given it, by people who know: We also know that in the place you're in right now you don't want to do the things we're suggesting. But only you can take the first step that you have to take. We're here: we'll give what support we can, from this distance, and we'll cheer you every step of the way. But only you can take the first step. I say again - what have you got to lose?

Hugs as always...

12:14 PM
Anonymous said...

Jesus, sweetheart. I agree with the other comments. To pick yourself up can only be done by YOU. See your doctor, go walking, get a GPS and go geocaching. Try counselling.
A lot of people out here have gone through (and are going through)what you are going through. You are not alone although it feels like it. I spent most of today feeling like shite, for instance
It appears that your Uni attempt was spoiled by the same depression.
You have a lot of friends. Make it work.
*hugs

9:22 PM

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