Exercise

Seen as some people seem absolutely determined that exercise is the way to beat this and as they seem increasingly frustrated that I’m dismissing it, I thought I’d explain why. Everyday I do 2 hours of exercise.* Most days that is preceded by a half an hour walk to get to work. On the days I have Chemistry I walk there and back, (one hour of exercise), then walk back at three for work. Thursdays seem to have become a day when I go and play badminton for an hour with the girls. So I do exercise. And it does not make one iota of a difference.
I do not do gyms or swimming pools. It’s one of my ideas of hell. Lets stick you somewhere were everyone can look at you and you can feel so unbelievably self conscious. Yes because that’s going to do me good. I’m sure as hell not paying for it either. I used to dread my PE lessons because I felt so self conscious. I’d rather not set it back a few years thankyouverymuch. And no, going with a friend wouldn’t help either.

I’ve been told to do something that makes me happy. Problem is those things just don’t work anymore. Meeting people for a brew at Tesco used to be all I needed. Meeting for breakfast on a Sunday and then a perootle around was great. I used to enjoy learning but Chemistry just leaves me feeling increasingly stupid. I can’t even produce any art that I’m happy with. I thought about looking into Camp America this summer but all I got from my Mum was to leave it till next year and I realised I didn’t really want to do it anyway. I’d go back to driving but it bloody terrifies me. I’ve never had a proper hobby; I just don’t seem to have the attention span or interest in anything. Last time I expressed an interest in something remotely hobby like my Dad refused point blank to take me and it was impossible to get a bus. I just can’t think of anything that will fill the void or help me. What I want is to be held and have someone make it all go away but I haven’t got anyone to do that.

And I’m sorry if I sound defeatist. When I went to uni and was unhappy I fell apart then sorted myself out by finding out how to get out of that situation. Then I could enjoy my remaining time and take some happy memories away. I handled it maturely and like an adult. But I have absolutely no idea how to handle this and I just can’t see an end in sight to make it bearable.


*if anyone dares to think that cleaning doesn’t count then, frankly, you’re not going to get the rest of the point.