Karma, Jessica Andrews
I don’t know what to say. It seems I’m not allowed to blogg what I’m feeling. Which I don’t understand. It feels like I’m supposed to snap my fingers, get over it and stick a smile on my face. Maybe I should just stop blogging. Or maybe I should start pretending.
Last night I wasn’t implying people from the internet have let me down or there the ones who I want to go away. I don’t understand where that’s come from frankly. I don’t want PEOPLE to go away, I want the loneliness to go away, the desperate desire to just be held so it all feels right again.
It occurred to me the other day that the people who’ve been most supportive are the ones on the internet. And Dom. Oh the irony.
I am so fucking lonely.*
Someone said something about Karma today. I used to have a simple philosophy, bad karma doesn’t exist, there’s no such thing as bad luck. If you believe that then you get good things back.
You get back what you put in…..
So I spend my life worrying about other people, jumping straight to them if I know they have a problem. I look after them, let them vent and comfort them. I try so hard to fix them. I go out of my way to help people, total randomers**. I try so hard to be a good person, to make my family proud and make everyone happy.
For all I’ve put in I got 11 blissful months where I woke up every day knowing how lucky I was. I never took it for granted. And now it’s gone. I read my email this morning and promptly spent the entire day crying, or staring blankly at the TV whilst Friends played. I cried so much last night and woke up thinking today would be ok. How wrong could I get?
So what I want to know is what the fuck do I have to do to be allowed to be happy. How long do I have to put in just to get the one thing I want? At exactly what point is Karma going to decide I’ve done enough good deeds.
For people like me Karma doesn’t exist. It's just a never ending cycle of putting out and never getting back.
*I apologise for the choice of words. I don’t normally swear but it seems to fit right now.
**as random a guy in Manchester pleading for money because he hadn’t any to get to the airport. I gave him a tenner because I felt sorry for him, even if I now know he was lying to me. I did the right thing, I figured if I put the good into the universe I’d get it back. Yeah right.
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6 comments:
Claire: This is your blog, your place to say what you want to say. If you want to tell us all exactly what you're feeling,this is your place to do so. Those who don't like it will find plenty of other blogs, they should go and read those instead.
It sounds to me like you've done plenty in your life to be proud of. I know I've said this before but it bears repeating: Love yourself, you're worth it.
Claire: nothing to say. Please work it out. ***hugs***
I don't work with karma either. I know how you feel m'love, i hope it gets better.
so let me get this straight, people are upset with you for writing how you feel on your blog? If thats the case do what I do, start another blog. One for everone, which is this one, and another for venting
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