Lonliness and it's explanation

I’m feeling better today. The last few days I think I’ve spent venting and trying to unbottle it. I don’t know how well its worked but at least today I’ve been a little more settled. Henry said I worry too much about what people think and to a large extent he’s right. I have a desperate desire to please people, to help them and fix them if they’re unhappy or broken. I also have a desperate need to be loved, for physical affection. The kind that, no matter how many of you wonderful friends I have, cannot be filled by just friendship. It just isn’t the same.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m just lonely. I’m not hurting, I’m just so incredibly lonely.

I tried Henry’s suggestion of finding that little girl, and you know what she said? She didn’t want to hear the things I had to say, she just wanted me to play with her. (This is where the blogg gets rather long and possibly far too much of my life that anyone needed to know so feel free to go read something else). I'm also not trying to make exuses or blame anyone/pass the buck. I'm also aware millions of other people feel like this too.

When I was a little girl I was always very very lonely during holidays etc. I lived too far away from my friends to get there safely, and only really had one “best” friend at Primary School. I was very shy and it’s not unfair to say I simply followed her around like a puppy. I’m like that, I’m happy to follow someone unless I need to put my foot down. Don’t think I was neglected, my mum would play with me when she could but she grew up with lots of friends nearby and three brothers. So making your own fun was much easier. And no matter how big your imagination is it’s not always enough.
I desperately wanted a sister to play with, who would, in typical childhood naivety, be my best friend. Eventually I got her, but it didn’t go to plan. Once she hit that awkward “terrible twos” stage she turned into a violent vicious little monster. A physical and emotional bully who loved nothing more than to cause me pain. Naturally she grew out of it, and I’m not someone who holds grudges, so it’s all forgotten. But we have never had that closeness I wanted to have. I’ve tried but it’s just not going to happen at this stage in our lives. To be honest, we’re 2 only children living in the same house with the same parents.

At High School I ended up in a social group, that was made up of some lovely people but that I never really fitted into. I didn’t smoke or binge drink and as for male attention, well that was non-existent. I was smart and found myself listening to people’s problems when needed. But I was always the one who was left out or the last to know. And there were times when I was bullied and victimised by some of them. In short, I never fitted in and I was acutely aware of it. So I was, still rather lonely. I had a lot of fun, and I coped by building up protective barriers, I relied on my ability to be the class swot for example.

The process of breaking out of my shell started in Y10 when I met Katie. For the first time I had a friend who was so lovely and like me that I wasn’t afraid to be me. Then I hit Sixth Form and met up with people from my primary school I’d not seen properly for years. They rapidly became my best friends. Suddenly I had a huge social group full of the most amazing people ever. I was loving it! Then too my amazement, to top it all off, I found exactly what I’d given up waiting for. Someone who’d fallen off his unicycle one too many time and actually wanted me. It was literally all I’ve ever needed.

So now it’s a case of I’m lonely, I can feel the layers starting to reform. I know I have wonderful wonderful friends but the just aren’t able to feel the void. I want to be held, I never realised how much a cuddle and a kiss can make it all go away. I was better today, I really was. It’s just sheer loneliness that I don’t know how to deal with. The last 2 years I’ve either suppressed it so hard I forgot or not needed to. I’m not particularly sure how I’m supposed to cope with it either.