It’s like patting an old women then being whipped by her

Katie, on Corkscrew.

I went to Alton Towers today for the very first time. And I actually did proper rollercoaster’s; Air, Nemesis, Rita Queen of Speed, and lots of little rides like the log flume and Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, (which we did three times! It’s so weird but funny. Unless you have chav right behind you being typical chavs). I’m pleased I have them all a damn good shot, Air and Nemesis got three/two shots respectively as it seemed stupid to waste the extra super quiet time. I don’t like Rita, she is, to quote a “heinous bitch”*

There was the peaceful less terrifying delight of the kiddies Squirrel ride and kicking Katie’s ass twice at some shooty zombie game, (she was not impressed). We got ourselves plenty wet on the log flume and water rapids. Katie made a failed attempt to dodge a splash of water the last time round on the Rapids and sploosh she got rather wet! The look of surprise on her face was absolutely hilarious.

There’s probably a lot more but my mind has lost the ability to focus. I managed to see every hour in last night, and when you think I got up at half five that’s even more knackering. I’m not going to blogg about my feelings either. I sense peoples impatience is running low and maybe this will go someway to proving I’m not just sitting and moping but I am trying to be ok. What I want hasn’t changed at all, and it’s still all there but at least today I’ve been able to forget largely. Katie’s been brilliant today, thanks so much girl! You do rock so hard!

Love and Huggles, Claire

*Ten Things I Hate About You

No Change

*Apologies to Henry if you’ve tuned in to see my art, I’ve messed something on it up and haven’t sorted it out yet. So it wouldn’t make any sense! Sorry!


I’m not really feeling much better. Everything still feels a mess with various people. I still feel numb and empty. I’m depressed. Part of my can see the girl I used to be, but she’s just so far gone it’s like another life. I just want to feel something other than negative emotions. And it isn’t as simple as just smiling. Or doing something different or whatever. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I can’t see how this is best for anyone long or short term. I just can’t see anything anymore. I just don’t know anything or feel anything. I just want it back. I just give up. There doesn’t even seem to be something inside me who wants to fight it all anymore.

Giving up

Until this evening I’d had a pretty good day. As I wasn’t going to Chemistry again because I couldn’t face it Katie decided to take me out and take my mind off things. It worked for a while; I had a lot of fun. I just wish I felt like blogging it right now, but I don’t.

I’ve had an argument with one of my closest friends, which was the last thing I wanted and I feel frankly, so completely depressed. I don’t know how to fix it.

I don’t know how to live anymore. I don’t know how to exist. I feel like the only reason I still am is for other people. So much of me just doesn’t want to exist.

I just want to disappear.

Stressful

Today has been stressful. It seems like everything has gone wrong and all I’ve done is upset people.*

I didn’t go to Chemistry and I’m not going tomorrow. Something in me just can’t face it. I will after Easter but right now there just doesn’t seem any point.

I’m just feeling so flat, tired and empty.

*and no Alistair, before you get worried, you haven’t upset me. I was already upset. So don’t worry.

So yeah, I feel screwed over.

For anyone who doesn’t want to hear how miserable I’m feeling, yet again, click the back button now. There I warned you.

I got screwed over by yet another friend. I’ve defended her when people have slagged her off, I’ve always believed the best in her and she screwed me over. Thanks.

I just feel…………………..

Empty. All I want to do is cry and not stop. I want to scream and lash out at myself but can’t. I want to go back in time to when I felt safe and loved and was happy.

I get told to think positive, but positive about what?

That I’m alone?
I don’t see an end to the tunnel.

It gets easier.
But I’m still alone.

I don’t understand what I’ve done to lose the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I don’t understand why I can’t have it. I don’t understand why I can see people who seem to have found that someone and done nothing to deserve it when I’ve given so much to the universe and I’m deprived of it.

All day something inside of me has been crying. Probably that stupid little girl. I cried during work a little and on the way home. Now I’m going to cry some more because if I don’t let it out then I’ll explode.

See I did warn you I was feeling depressed.

If We’re Trying, So We’re Breaking Free

Breaking Free, High School Musical (told you it would be my blogg title Katie)

I went ice skating today, for the first time in about 5 years. Katie invited me so she didn’t have to go alone and so I didn’t sit at home feeling lonely and full of missingness. I was rather terrified, (to the point of nearly throwing up). Last time I went I’d hurt my ankle a month or so earlier and it wasn’t properly healed so I got round the rink once then gave up because I was in agony.

Despite being more than a little afraid I forced myself onto the ice and grabbed Katie’s hand, (and didn’t let go). Somehow I managed to stay upright the whole time AND figured out to move forwards. At a fairly decent speed. It was fun, I want to go again and practise some more. Next time see if I can skate a little on my own maybe. I’m so glad I went and gave it another shot. It was worth the pain my ankles are giving me now. Thanks so much Katie for today!

AND guess what. My Geek, Josh, won Beauty and the Geek. He won! I am so proud of him, he totally deserved it. Josh rocks! As Jennifer said, there should be more guys like him.

Love and Huggles, Claire

What Goes Up Comes Down, Hits The Ground

Karma, Jessica Andrews

I don’t know what to say. It seems I’m not allowed to blogg what I’m feeling. Which I don’t understand. It feels like I’m supposed to snap my fingers, get over it and stick a smile on my face. Maybe I should just stop blogging. Or maybe I should start pretending.

Last night I wasn’t implying people from the internet have let me down or there the ones who I want to go away. I don’t understand where that’s come from frankly. I don’t want PEOPLE to go away, I want the loneliness to go away, the desperate desire to just be held so it all feels right again.
It occurred to me the other day that the people who’ve been most supportive are the ones on the internet. And Dom. Oh the irony.

I am so fucking lonely.*

Someone said something about Karma today. I used to have a simple philosophy, bad karma doesn’t exist, there’s no such thing as bad luck. If you believe that then you get good things back.
You get back what you put in…..

So I spend my life worrying about other people, jumping straight to them if I know they have a problem. I look after them, let them vent and comfort them. I try so hard to fix them. I go out of my way to help people, total randomers**. I try so hard to be a good person, to make my family proud and make everyone happy.

For all I’ve put in I got 11 blissful months where I woke up every day knowing how lucky I was. I never took it for granted. And now it’s gone. I read my email this morning and promptly spent the entire day crying, or staring blankly at the TV whilst Friends played. I cried so much last night and woke up thinking today would be ok. How wrong could I get?

So what I want to know is what the fuck do I have to do to be allowed to be happy. How long do I have to put in just to get the one thing I want? At exactly what point is Karma going to decide I’ve done enough good deeds.

For people like me Karma doesn’t exist. It's just a never ending cycle of putting out and never getting back.

*I apologise for the choice of words. I don’t normally swear but it seems to fit right now.
**as random a guy in Manchester pleading for money because he hadn’t any to get to the airport. I gave him a tenner because I felt sorry for him, even if I now know he was lying to me. I did the right thing, I figured if I put the good into the universe I’d get it back. Yeah right.

I Keep On Falling

Falling, Alicia Keys

I was fine today. I had a fun Chemistry lesson making bread and mucking around. We made one hell of a mess; in fact the mess came out better than the bread. I was amazed by how few of them knew what 50g flour looked like. One scale was faulty and it took ages before anyone realised. I’d used a different balance but many weren’t impressed they had to reweigh.

Then I came home and did a couple of odd jobs, including my Chemicals homework, which means I should have the weekend to focus on Art.

Whoopty flippin doo.

I hate weekends. I suddenly realised at the end of work that I was going to see no one all weekend. I’ve pretty much gone downhill from there. I just feel like if I don’t ask people if they want to do anything then we don’t and that people are just so wrapped up in their lives they haven’t got a few hours for me. It doesn’t seem like much to ask for a little time with my friends. I’ve spent 2 hours with them this week.
I’ve got a week left till Easter break, 2 weeks off. I’m not looking forward to it. It just means 14days where the majority will be spent on my own.

I’m sorry people, but I’m back pretty much where I was at the start of the week. Bitterly alone and miserable. I’m sorry I’ve let people down. I did try, it was a good day, I was happy and balanced until the end of work.
I’m even sorrier that I’m so wrapped up in my own self obsession and misery that I haven’t blogged about the birth of baby Emma. I just feel like a selfish cow for that. I’m sorry baby.
I’ll use your song Henry when I’m not so low. Sorry.

Ooh Baby Love, It’s Hurting Me

Baby Love, Diana Ross and the Supremes

Badminton day! My aim is improving a lot, or rather my ability to hit the shuttlecock is. It’s nice to have something to whack as hard as you can, much better than hitting your head on a wall. I wouldn’t recommend that, you just end up with a headache and feel even worse. Although I got told off for hitting it so hard, but frankly, I’m making sure the frustration doesn’t build up. So I’ll hit it as hard as I like. Last time I checked you were supposed to give it a damn good whack anyway.

Lancaster is looking far more likely, I discovered this morning that Lancaster will pay me far more to study there than I first though. £2000 is a hell of a big pull. Plus the rabbits.
Helena as most of you know, is now in labour so hopefully next time I blogg there will be another little baby in the world. It’s so exciting. I hope it all goes smoothly for her.

Blergh early start tomorrow, up at 7.15 for Chem. But there’s a silver lining, we’re making bread! OOOO

Love and Huggles, Claire

“I’m so glad I’m your new best friend”

*say in THE most annoying American accent ever! We had some girl saying that all the way to Preston today. Louder and louder. And the story behind it wasn’t even that funny. Grrrrr.

I am feeling better today. I'm still feeling the lonliness but I guess I can learn to live with it somehow. Its been a good day though. Mum and me went to see Lancaster University, which is fabbo. Katie met us off the train and we went for lunch and ended up missing the tour I’d booked us onto, (don’t worry it wasn’t a tour for just me and mum), so we got a private one off Katie. Which was even better. We got to explore the depths of the campus too such an extent we walked out of a building and Katie had no idea where we were. She soon got her bearings but that doesn’t bode well for me. I’m useless with directions. Hehe

Lancaster is totally gorgeous, a lot like Bath, in its looks, which is great because I liked there and I love the look of Lancaster. The university itself if excellent, modern and very stylish. There’s literally everything you could want on campus, I love self contained campuses, its my style of uni. And, even better, there are BUNNY RABBITS living in the hall area. Very tame friendly looking bunnies whom I will no doubt become best friends with if I’m there next year. To sum up, I very much liked it, and was very impressed. Lancaster will pay me more money to go there than any other uni, and if I want to do a placement year* then money matters really. Its now beating Chester by a lot.

I had a wonderful exciting day, thank you so much to Katie for the tour, it was brilliant. Maybe I’ll see you next year. (Screams of “Nooooo” can be heard all the way in Justin’s merkinland.)

Love and Huggles, Claire

*I can only get funding for three years of uni, a placement year makes four. That means on my third year of my degree I would have to fork out for everything. A placement is pretty vital, because it gives makes me highly employable. I will of course be paid for it, but year four could still be very costly. Damn this money.

BUNNIES!! THERE WERE BUNNIES!!!!

Lonliness and it's explanation

I’m feeling better today. The last few days I think I’ve spent venting and trying to unbottle it. I don’t know how well its worked but at least today I’ve been a little more settled. Henry said I worry too much about what people think and to a large extent he’s right. I have a desperate desire to please people, to help them and fix them if they’re unhappy or broken. I also have a desperate need to be loved, for physical affection. The kind that, no matter how many of you wonderful friends I have, cannot be filled by just friendship. It just isn’t the same.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m just lonely. I’m not hurting, I’m just so incredibly lonely.

I tried Henry’s suggestion of finding that little girl, and you know what she said? She didn’t want to hear the things I had to say, she just wanted me to play with her. (This is where the blogg gets rather long and possibly far too much of my life that anyone needed to know so feel free to go read something else). I'm also not trying to make exuses or blame anyone/pass the buck. I'm also aware millions of other people feel like this too.

When I was a little girl I was always very very lonely during holidays etc. I lived too far away from my friends to get there safely, and only really had one “best” friend at Primary School. I was very shy and it’s not unfair to say I simply followed her around like a puppy. I’m like that, I’m happy to follow someone unless I need to put my foot down. Don’t think I was neglected, my mum would play with me when she could but she grew up with lots of friends nearby and three brothers. So making your own fun was much easier. And no matter how big your imagination is it’s not always enough.
I desperately wanted a sister to play with, who would, in typical childhood naivety, be my best friend. Eventually I got her, but it didn’t go to plan. Once she hit that awkward “terrible twos” stage she turned into a violent vicious little monster. A physical and emotional bully who loved nothing more than to cause me pain. Naturally she grew out of it, and I’m not someone who holds grudges, so it’s all forgotten. But we have never had that closeness I wanted to have. I’ve tried but it’s just not going to happen at this stage in our lives. To be honest, we’re 2 only children living in the same house with the same parents.

At High School I ended up in a social group, that was made up of some lovely people but that I never really fitted into. I didn’t smoke or binge drink and as for male attention, well that was non-existent. I was smart and found myself listening to people’s problems when needed. But I was always the one who was left out or the last to know. And there were times when I was bullied and victimised by some of them. In short, I never fitted in and I was acutely aware of it. So I was, still rather lonely. I had a lot of fun, and I coped by building up protective barriers, I relied on my ability to be the class swot for example.

The process of breaking out of my shell started in Y10 when I met Katie. For the first time I had a friend who was so lovely and like me that I wasn’t afraid to be me. Then I hit Sixth Form and met up with people from my primary school I’d not seen properly for years. They rapidly became my best friends. Suddenly I had a huge social group full of the most amazing people ever. I was loving it! Then too my amazement, to top it all off, I found exactly what I’d given up waiting for. Someone who’d fallen off his unicycle one too many time and actually wanted me. It was literally all I’ve ever needed.

So now it’s a case of I’m lonely, I can feel the layers starting to reform. I know I have wonderful wonderful friends but the just aren’t able to feel the void. I want to be held, I never realised how much a cuddle and a kiss can make it all go away. I was better today, I really was. It’s just sheer loneliness that I don’t know how to deal with. The last 2 years I’ve either suppressed it so hard I forgot or not needed to. I’m not particularly sure how I’m supposed to cope with it either.

I tried

I wish I could think of something to write that won’t make people angry or frustrated or annoyed or upset.

I tried and tried during work to be fine and do what everyone’s suggested with the whole exercise thing. Even when I got so frustrated at myself for doing something wrong that I banged my head on the wall I still tried.
Then I discovered the plans I had for tomorrow aren’t going to happen and I felt rejected by Person No3.
I guess I’m supposed to try again tomorrow.

Exercise

Seen as some people seem absolutely determined that exercise is the way to beat this and as they seem increasingly frustrated that I’m dismissing it, I thought I’d explain why. Everyday I do 2 hours of exercise.* Most days that is preceded by a half an hour walk to get to work. On the days I have Chemistry I walk there and back, (one hour of exercise), then walk back at three for work. Thursdays seem to have become a day when I go and play badminton for an hour with the girls. So I do exercise. And it does not make one iota of a difference.
I do not do gyms or swimming pools. It’s one of my ideas of hell. Lets stick you somewhere were everyone can look at you and you can feel so unbelievably self conscious. Yes because that’s going to do me good. I’m sure as hell not paying for it either. I used to dread my PE lessons because I felt so self conscious. I’d rather not set it back a few years thankyouverymuch. And no, going with a friend wouldn’t help either.

I’ve been told to do something that makes me happy. Problem is those things just don’t work anymore. Meeting people for a brew at Tesco used to be all I needed. Meeting for breakfast on a Sunday and then a perootle around was great. I used to enjoy learning but Chemistry just leaves me feeling increasingly stupid. I can’t even produce any art that I’m happy with. I thought about looking into Camp America this summer but all I got from my Mum was to leave it till next year and I realised I didn’t really want to do it anyway. I’d go back to driving but it bloody terrifies me. I’ve never had a proper hobby; I just don’t seem to have the attention span or interest in anything. Last time I expressed an interest in something remotely hobby like my Dad refused point blank to take me and it was impossible to get a bus. I just can’t think of anything that will fill the void or help me. What I want is to be held and have someone make it all go away but I haven’t got anyone to do that.

And I’m sorry if I sound defeatist. When I went to uni and was unhappy I fell apart then sorted myself out by finding out how to get out of that situation. Then I could enjoy my remaining time and take some happy memories away. I handled it maturely and like an adult. But I have absolutely no idea how to handle this and I just can’t see an end in sight to make it bearable.


*if anyone dares to think that cleaning doesn’t count then, frankly, you’re not going to get the rest of the point.

I hate......

I hate my life.

I hate the fact that I get up, survive the day and have to do it again and again and again and again with no end in sight.

I hate the fact that the one person who meant the most to me and made me the happiest is the one person I made miserable. I hate the fact they’re gone.

I hate the fact that if I’m such a lovely, kind wonderful person like everyone claims I am that all I get out of my life is pain and punishment.

I hate the fact that people think finding some new exciting challenge will help me. “Go find a hobby or something to achieve”. Like what? I hate sport, and that leaves pretty much nothing. I can’t even get anything from sixth form anymore. I hate the fact people expect me to get over it all and bounce back.

I hate the fact I can’t pretend to everyone. I wish I could but I just can’t. I hate the fact I’m so damn tired. I hate the fact I have no escape from anything.

I hate everything. I wish to God it would all just go away. I can’t make it go away. I don't even want to wake up tomorrow. Please make it all go away before I do something stupid. Please someone; tell me how I’m supposed to make it all go away.

Belly Up And Bury, Boy, All The Hurt You Feel Today

Midnight At The Lost And Found, Meat Loaf

My lovely weekend is rapidly vanishing. I’ve been looking forward to it for all week. The chance to see Luke would be brilliant I was hoping it would be the boost I needed to try and be happy, and I even made him a lemon cake to take back to uni. Has he been in touch? Nope.

I feel so depressed and bitterly rejected.
I hate weekends.
I hate having no one to share it all with.

Sometimes when a patient at a hospital has injuries that are going to cause a lot of pain the doctors induce a coma to allow them to sleep the worst of the pain away whilst the body heals.

Which seems like a pretty good idea to me right now. Especially given how tired I am. Waking up at four and not sleeping properly again till half seven isn’t very helpful. Now I get to go to bed and cry because I am so tired and sick of being rejected or let down or having to fight for everything. The only thing in my life that was easy, that I never had to fight for and managed to make me completely happy is gone.

Oh and check this out for Divine Justice. I woke up with a headache this morning, at 4. That’ll be God punishing me for lying to Mum then. I wonder what horrible evil thing I did to deserve losing someone I love? Justin, I don’t think God likes me either.

We’re supposed to be happy to be alive whether we like it or not

Meredith, Greys Anatomy

I didn’t go to Chemistry today. I woke up at about 4 and didn’t get more than about 45 minuets sleep between then and 7:15. I was absolutely exhausted, there was no way I was going to make it through the day faking it and not be a ratty little cow like yesterday with people. So I did a horrid thing and lied to my mum. I told her I had a headache and wanted to sleep it off. I got up at ten having managed a little more sleep and feeling a lot more capable of getting through another day.

Which I appear to have managed somehow. And guess what, I get to do it all over again tomorrow. I don’t even have to go to work, which sucks, it at least gives me a proper routine. I hate weekends. I have plenty of homework, and lots I could do for art, but I’m anxious because I don’t like any of the artists I’m supposed to look at.

It’s also decision time for Uni. I’ve had all my offers and haven’t a clue anymore. I know where I don’t want to go, but between Chester and Lancaster I’m not so sure and I’m also suffering from a distinct lack of interest, I don’t care, I don’t want to make the decision. Flip a coin someone.

This evening I was supposed to be going out. That hasn’t happened. I was supposed to be seeing Luke tomorrow, but that doesn’t look like its happening, namely because he hasn’t let me know about anything. I feel rejected and depressed. If it weren't for Ali and AliTV I don't know how I would have made it through the evening, thank you so much!
I was aiming to have a nice busy weekend of seeing people and taking my mind off it all but it’s not looking like its going to happen. I miss Dom. I mss feeling loved and wanted and appreciated. I have this great big hole inside me that I don’t know how to fill. Chocolate doesn’t seem to be working.

I didn’t mean to sound angry yesterday when I said I was sick of people telling me to give it time. I’m not angry and people aren’t being overly comforting. It’s just that particular phrase isn’t exactly much comfort. Virtually nothing is.

*insert title because I couldn't be bothered

No change. I got up, rang the Student Loan People for a balance, did some research for Art, had lunch before I went to play badminton with Jess and Liz. It was fun aside from some guy who works there standing at the door watching some people playing cricket and staring at us. Brilliant, not only do I get to feel uncoordinated but I get to feel self conscious.

I’ve been so ratty today. I’ve spent the whole day pushing it all into a little box just so I can pretend I’m ok. Unfortunately I’m exhausted so it hasn’t really been working. Mums had a go at me so which made me so upset I hurled my packet of crisps across the kitchen, which only managed to break them all without making me feel better. I am so sick of everything today. I’m even sick to death of Friends. I’ve been watching it daily because it never fails to make me smile. But now I’m on the *lovely* episodes where Ross and Rachel are together and Monica’s just stared with Richard. So I want to hurl the box out of the window.
And if one more person tells me to “give it time” I am seriously going to scream. I know everyone wants to be comforting and helpful but seriously, it makes me feel like shit. I draw no comfort from it. Give it time my ass. I would if my brain would shut the hell up and not torture me every second of every damn day with reminding me. When I was miserable in Bath I was able to count it down, and that made me feel better. I work best like that, with dates and schedules. Now all I have is a lovely empty expanse before me where I’m supposed to get to, claw my way through the day just to do it all over again. There is nothing there to look forward to or make me happy for more than five seconds before my brain says “hello, did you forget, YOU SUCK! YOU’RE ALONE!ENJOY HELL”

Lost Without You

Lost Without You, Delta Goodrem

For most of today I bumbled around miserable as hell. I didn’t get to sleep soon enough last night because I cried a lot again. Then I woke up 2 hours too early and didn’t get back to sleep. I was so unhappy all morning, my Chemistry teacher even asked if I was ok at the end of class because I was so quiet. In terms of being low, I was far lower than ever. Being on the brink of tears and trying to pretend to various people you’re ok is exhausting. I still don’t know how to fix myself and I don’t think I can. I haven’t got it in me anymore, I’ve had to fight for everything since September and now I’m just so tired. I just want him to come back and fix this so badly.

All I know is I'm lost without you, I'm not gonna lie
How am I going to be strong without you, I need you by my side
If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye don't know what I'd do ...I'mlost without youI keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I'm lost without you............

Like A Tear Without A Soul

Lonely Girl, Sandi Thom

Today started off, yet again, the way it ended yesterday* I woke up too early and wound myself up to the point of tears and only cheered up with a little help from Justin. Thanks dude, I don’t know what I would have done without you.

I somehow got through Chemistry; thankfully it was a decent lesson where I understood it all. That’ll be a first then. I managed to get some work for art done this evening too. I did something less technical to avoid feeling crap when it didn’t work out. It was peaceful but it hasn’t cheered me up like it should have.

So now I’m rather tired. Pretending you’re fine to parents etc is tiring. I’ve pretty much given up trying to fix all the pieces of myself, it’s too hard and too exhausting. I don’t think I’ve got anything to say that isn’t depressing. Oh look bedtime. Goody.

Love and Huggles, Claire

*yes ok I cried. A lot. Again. I suddenly realised I don’t remember what it felt like to be loved. I’ve forgotten. I know it’s missing but I can’t find the feeling anymore. I want it back so badly but I don’t know how to get it back.

“Vegas isn't designed for people like me...Vegas is not exactly a geek haven.”

Josh, Beauty and the Geek, Episode 5
Oh look a blogg title that isn’t depressing. Yesterdays wasn’t supposed to be either, but Liz and me have been playing Leave by Jojo a lot in her car cause we’d forgotten how good it was.

So today went better than expected, after last night I wasn’t expecting much from today* but I managed not to crash and burn just yet. Having said that the highlight of the day was watching yesterdays Beauty and the Geek, Josh won his first challenge by inviting the most women to his party. Watching him flounder just to approach them was horrible, I felt his pain. Then the delight on his face when he won, and his pride in himself, each episode I get to watch him grow and it’s amazing! God I love that guy.

I wanted to do some drawing today, I desperately need to, but as nothing I did this weekend looks decent I’ve left it. I don’t feel like looking at a drawing and thinking, yep that looks crap. I did do my Chemicals homework, but as I’ll have only got a C that’s nothing to get excited about. My head hurts and I feel fed up. Roll on bedtime.

Love and Huggles, Claire


*I wasn’t feeling very good at bedtime. There were lots of tears as per usual. Then to make it even worse I couldn’t sleep and kept waking up. Normally if I’ve cried I fall asleep pretty quick, so not being able to sleep was even more frustrating.