Anastasia
Life doesn't promise a bed of roses
Or white knights
Fields of emotions
I'm trapped in darkness
Why me
Save me
To win this twisted war inside me Won't justify the pain
Life doesn't promise a bed of roses
Lightening strikes the pages keep on turning
Help me to be strong
I'm floating in a sea of strange believers
Where do I belong?
I ran into Jess and Liz at Tesco today, at the self service tills. I managed to catch Jesses eye and say hi, despite Liz freezing me out and practically blocking Jesses view of me. We said hi and then they walked off. Literally that was it.
And I realised that’s it, that’s how my entire summer is going to go. Either being completely excluded like I was today, or the two of us being somewhere with others and the tension and in competition to talk to people. Whether they like it or not, people have to choose sides, even if it’s flexible and temporary, they still will and have to. Social occasions will deem it necessary.
It also hit me that I don’t belong to any social group anymore. Liz no longer wants anything to do with me and Luke’s pretty much made it clear he’s on her side. Jess went shopping with Liz today but never even bothers to ask me for a brew or something. I saw Chrish in ASDA on Sunday, and the conversation was brief, I walked off to get my dip and thought she’d follow but she didn’t. Zena will be in Ghana for the summer. Jess Milly is working and hasn’t bothered to see me at all which wasn’t likely. To be blunt, I just don’t have a proper social group. I have friends like Katie-Jane and Nick but I have no actual place where I belong.
I have a job interview on Thursday with ASDA. I don’t know if I want it really, but the money would be useful. If I get it I can see me working all summer because I have sod all else to do and anything would be better than remembering how wonderful last summer was compared this. On the other hand I work at ASDA and I will see even less of Jess, because I barely see her now.
I just……
………..want to go back in time. So badly.
But at least I found my passport for the job interview. It’s been missing for about 7 months now.
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3 comments:
I dont know if real friends mean you have to belong to a group. Take it as it comes, Claire. A day at a time. Plan something. Something exotic, like a trip to the Isle of Man;-)
Hope you get the job at Asda, if you want it. A bit of money never hurts!
ttfn jane
are you suer you want to go back in time?
I often wish that too, but the trouble is, if you go back in time, you have to go through everything again, and all the effort you've put in has been undone... maybe one could go back far enough to undo everything and not bother experiencing anything, but would that really be better?
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